Transition from dating to relationship / boyfriend-girlfriend

Hi

I've been dating a woman for about 6/7 weeks now and it's going great. We see each other about twice a week and text on other days. We've known each other for many years and she's the first girl I've ever dated although she has been in previous 7 yr relationship and dated others.

We've not explicitly labeled it as such but we are exclusive neither of us seeing other people. But I feel like we're in a relationship, from the way we spend time together and my feelings for her. We've not slept together yet and are taking it slowly but the kissing and everything is going well.

Do I bring this up? Or is it too soon? Or should I wait for her to bring it up?

I also wonder whether it sounds too immature to say I really like you will you be my girlfriend (I'm 28 she's 27) so not sure how to put it either!

Thanks for the advice

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Whipping Love Into Shape: 11 Signs You're A Relationship Flogger

One sign? Your idea of love involves a guy making you the "exception" to the rule. Sometimes whips can be cool, but a relationship flogger isn't so fun...

Relationships are tough, and when they aren't working out the way we would like we sometimes stay in them and are hell-bent on changing things around. Perhaps you want your partner to just stop leaving dirty socks on the floor. Or maybe you want to take the next big step in your relationship.

But are these desires turning you into one of the many people who are too busy 'flogging' a relationship to turn it into something it's not? Of course we are not talking about the type of flogging that has to do with a switch, but possibly the verbal kind that has to do with a lot of questions and arguments between you and your partner because the relationship isn't what you envisioned. Still not sure if you're a relationship flogger? Well, here are 11 signs that will definitely clear things up for you.

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1. Relationships are work!
You believe that true love means putting up with everything, through thick and thin. If you're not working harder than a gravel layer on a sweltering hot day, then you don't think you're really in love.

Find out the other 10 signs here: 11 Signs You're a 'Relationship Flogger'

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The Perfect Guide For Relationship Milestones

Love is beautiful when you're in it for the long-term. It's not easy cracking the code on when to take the next step!

Being in a committed relationship is fabulous — it's great to have someone to share the good and the bad with. Of course, the big questions in relationships can be tricky to answer. Here are some solutions to the most common "when to" questions couples so often face.

1. When Should We Go Away Together?
After it’s been established that you’re exclusive, you should plan one night away together as soon as both of your schedules permit. The sooner you go away together, the sooner you find out what someone's really like.

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You learn about your partner's habits and what they're like around the clock — not just on dates. Spending time away from your home, even if it's just for a night, gives you insight into the relationship. It's a good opportunity to learn a lot about the person you're dating — you can see what life is like when the stress of work isn’t hanging over both of you, and there are no interruptions. Besides, a little extra romance is always an added bonus!

Head over to StyleCaster for more useful tips: Your Guide To Relationship Milestones: When To Go Away Together, When To Meet The Parents, More

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10 Signs Your Emotional Baggage Is Too Heavy For A Relationship

If he ignoring you or are you just too needy? I have issues. You have issues. We all have issues! The important part is how we deal with them.

You don't have to be single to wonder whether or not you are ready for a great relationship. In fact, millions of people who aren't really ready find themselves in the middle of relationships. Regardless of your status, you should know the  signs that indicate you aren't ready for what you are doing, or about to do. Once you understand your limitations, then you can go to work on them and ready yourself for a real, loving relationship. Read on to learn the signs that may cause trouble in paradise. 

1. You Blame First, Defend Second
Something goes wrong. What's your first instinct? For many of us, it is to seek someone or something to blame other than ourselves. This may be human nature. It is the next step that really kills relationships. After initially blaming your partner, you set up a wall of defenses to lock the blame in place. Acting defensively automatically turns your partner into an enemy. It's hard to be emotionally intimate with an enemy.

More from YourTango: Feeling Trapped? A 5-Step Process to Release Limiting Beliefs

If your initial reaction is to blame, then put all of your efforts on letting go of defensiveness to act like a team player. 

2. You Think You Own The Other Person
You're in a relationship, so you introduce the others as, "My wife, my husband, my girlfriend, my partner, etc…"

There are two ways to think of the word "My".

A. Mine is a term of endearment. My dearest, my beloved. You are mine in that I love you.B. I OWN you!

Using "my" or "mine" in the sense of ownership is risky business. You are my husband, so you have to do what I say. You are my wife, so you have to put up with me. I own you, so you have to cooperate. Not!

Investing in endearment leads to intimacy. Investing in ownership leads to conflict.

3. You Can't Receive Constructive Criticism 
Does your romantic partner have some feedback for you? Does she have to call in National Guard in order to help make her point? Being open to feedback and constructive criticism is essential in any partnership. In a romantic partnership, such feedback can hit home in devastating ways. For example, perhaps your partner is not satisfied in bed and wants you to step up your game. If you respond like this, you are not able to receive feedback. "How dare you suggest I am anything but a total God in bed! If you're not satisfied, it has nothing to do with me!"

Again, defensiveness isn't going to solve the problem and neither is hanging onto your false sense of superiority. Work together with your partner to resolve these issues and improve your mutual experience of being together.

4. You Agree First, Stab In The Back Second
Ah, the passive aggressive. You think you want to avoid conflict, so you agree with whatever your partner says. Then, you proceed to do whatever you originally had in mind. This, of course, causes a massive conflict! It also destroys your emotional connection and makes an untrustworthy liar out of you. No one wants to be in a relationship with an untrustworthy liar.

5. You Think Your Friends Are All That
Putting friends and social life in front of your primary relationship is a common way to avoid the problems — and the intimacy — of that relationship. Social butterflies, both men and women, sometimes need to learn that making a romantic commitment means letting go of some other commitments. Refusing to scale back your social life in favor of an intimate partnership may mean that you aren't ready.

6. You Have Lazy-Slobbish-Disgusting-Child Syndrome
I don't know if this syndrome is listed in the DSM-V, but it means that you think it’'s funny to pass gas, belch, swear like a sailor, pee on the toilet seat, leave your dirty underwear lying around, chew with your mouth open and generally make a childish nuisance of yourself in front of your partner.

You may even think her disgust is cute. It's not. Her disgust means she actually finds you to be a disgusting person. Next, you'll want her to make love to you, right? If she does, she might be grossed out by that, too, thinking back on your antics throughout the day while you are getting your thrills at her expense. Clean it up if you want a mature relationship. 

7. You Are A Selfish, Petty, Grandiose Narcissist
Partnership is sharing a life together. Sharing a life means sharing stuff, sharing time, sharing emotions, and sharing responsibility. It will involve some sacrifice of your individual desires. That sacrifice should pay dividends, as the two of you are creating something beyond what either of you could do alone. So, you can't keep all of your selfish desires satisfied while simultaneously working toward your mutual goals. 

Have you ever been around a narcissist? It's feelings shockingly dismissive. If you partner is feeling this way, then your relationship is a ticking time bomb, believe it or not.

More from YourTango: Experiencing Self-Hatred? 5 Steps To Heal Your Mind & Soul

8. You're A Whiner!
Things go wrong. What are you going to do? Fix them and work together to do your best as a team. If you tend to whine like a mule, that will break down your team. Now, in addition to dealing with problems, your partner is dealing with a whiner. Whining is a sign of immaturity and it doesn't serve a purpose in a healthy relationship. Keep reading...

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What's Your Relationship with Food?

What is your body saying about your eating habits?

What is your body saying about your eating habits? Even though chocolate has been categorized as an antioxidant, Toblerone does not probably meet the Mayo Clinic's definition of the cocoa that reduces the risk of heart disease, lower blood pressure or improve vascular function. I will admit to keeping a secret stash of Toblerone in my desk at work because as the Christmas season tends to be a busier time of year, my life gets very busy. I'm still working on healthier eating habits. How about you? With metabolism changes and time of year effects, I have started wondering what else is packed into this carefree seasonal eating? Food is a love language and at this time of year, although it's a month of loving family and friends, sometimes it can be so busy that racing to catch my tail can disconnect me from my love connections because I show up stressed!

I want to feel more freedom, body vibrancy, and connected with my feminine self. Weight can be such a barrier to feeling sexy and alive. So let's all be more intentional.

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If you want to take better care of your body, here are some useful things to keep in mind:

? Eat better & enjoy the ritual of each meal.
? Design a personal self-management program to eat better using a mobile phone tracker such as My Fitness Pal.
? Be intentional about how you show up socially (meditate or go for a run before every event so you don’t stress-eat at the event).
? Notice how you feel in your body at social events—tell yourself to relax.
? Do some type of cardiovascular exercise every day to get your mojo going!
? Rather than snacking at night, why don't you have a conversation with someone you love?
? Practice to breathe deeper into your belly at every doorway.

More from YourTango: Five Ways to Keep Your Stresses Down in 2014

When is the last time you felt great in body, mind and spirit? What made you feel that way?

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Jo-Anne Weiler, M.A., R.M.F.T., R.C.C.

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Being open about open relationship

My husband and I have been married 25 years and we have an open relationship. Up until now we've only just had the occasional fling, and none of our friends, all long-time married monogamous people, know that we are open. Now my husband has a girlfriend and we are both very happy about that situation, but here's the problem. Next week he's taking his girlfriend to see a band. We just learned that a close friend of one of our close friends is going too. These people are all long-time married monogamous people. So what to do when the friend sees the husband and girlfriend out at the band? Husband doesn't want to pretend the whole night that they are just friends and not be able to dance close, or even just hold hands. Should he tell the friend right when they meet, this is my girlfriend, my wife knows and it's cool? That would be awkward and weird. Should he just act how he wants and not worry that someone thinks he's cheating? That's a drag. And friend might tell our friend, and we would hate for them to think husband is a cheater and feel sorry for me. Anyone have any other ideas? Thanks!

In my opinion you should be honest It's the easiest and the best solution. There is nothing to be ashamed of, so I don't think it will be awkward if you tell your friends what is going on. Maybe call them before the concert and tell them in advance that your husband is bringing a girlfriend?

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How To Impress Women To A Healthy Relationship

I’ve learned a secret to impressing women that I’m going to share with you right now. It’s a secret that probably not 1 in 1,000 men knows or will ever figure out on his own.

The REASON that most men will never figure out this particular secret is that it’s TOO OBVIOUS.

Let me explain… I personally think that most men feel a very powerful desire to IMPRESS women.
If you watch the way a man behaves when he’s talking to a woman he’s just met or a woman that he’s on a first date with, you can SEE IT.

Maybe you’ve been there yourself. I know I have. Many, many times, in fact. The feeling that you need to impress a woman usually comes along with another feeling:

DON’T SCREW THIS UP

Here are some of the signs that a guy is feeling the need to “impress” the woman that he’s talking to:

1. He tries to only say “cool” things, or things that will “impress” the woman.

2. He acts nervous and stilted during the conversation… sometimes coming across as “formal”.

3. He tries to figure out what the woman wants to hear.

4. If he says something that the woman doesn’t like, he “back-pedals” and tries to change what he said to suit the woman.

5. He doesn’t say anything “risky”, doesn’t tease the woman, and doesn’t do anything to upset her. In other words, when a guy is talking to a woman that he “likes”, he’s usually on his “best behavior” and he’s trying to “put his best foot forward”.

To say it again, MEN FEEL A POWERFUL DRIVE TO IMPRESS THE WOMAN THAT THEY “LIKE”.
And this drive to impress often makes them act UNNATURAL. There’s your first hint, in fact…

How To Impress Women To A Healthy Relationship

Remember at the beginning when I told you that I was going to share a secret with you about how to impress women that not 1 in 1,000 men will figure out on their own?

Well, here it is:

STOP TRYING

If you will just STOP TRYING to impress women, and do the things I’m teaching you instead, women will NATURALLY be “impressed” by you.

What To Do Instead

OK, so you’re out having a cup of tea with a beautiful woman you just met a few days before…She asks you what you do for a living. Should you answer with:

1. “Well, I’m an engineer for a software company that makes sophisticated vector widget plotting algorithms. I’ve been with them for three years, and I’m about to be promoted to ALGORITHM MANAGER.“

2. “I do stunt work. Have you ever seen it in a movie when a hot actor has to reveal his naked butt? That’s my job.”
Well, it all depends on what your outcome is. If you want to try and IMPRESS the girl with your cool high-tech job, then
#1 will work just fine.

Unfortunately, it won’t impress her at all and it will make you sound like a jackass who is trying to sound cool.
If you want to ACTUALLY impress her, try #2.

Most men don’t have the BALLS to say something like this when a woman asks a “serious” question like “What do you do?”
If you REALLY want to make a long-lasting impression, KEEP THE HUMOR GOING.

She’ll say “No, really… what do you do?”

Answer with: “No, really. Haven’t you ever seen it when an actor needs a stunt but? I mean hey… someone’s got to do it”.

There are other things you can do that will impress a woman… and I mean REALLY impress her. But these things aren’t OBVIOUS.

The most IMPORTANT thing you can do to IMPRESS a woman is make her feel a powerful emotional ATTRACTION for you.

This feeling will stay with her long after you have left and gone home.

And it’s the one thing that will drive women to pursue YOU… and try to impress YOU. What’s the best way to do this? Stop trying to IMPRESS women. Stop now.

Have a fantastic day, talk soon..

~Thomas~

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Is Your Best Friend Your Relationship 'Secret Weapon'?

It's true: a best friend can make you a much more attractive partner. You share everything with your best friend... even relationship building skills!

When looking for love, there's no better training than having a best friend. It's in our friendships that we really learn about love, and hone the skills needed to be someone's romantic partner for life. Women have argued with me that because they presently don't have a boyfriend, they can't work on their relationship skills. They feel they have to have a man in their life to "practice on."

While having a man to interact with is helpful, it's really best if we take care of our issues and learn to resolve conflicts before we get involved in a romance. However, many of us believe that a relationship with a boyfriend is too different from our other relationships to make friendships good learning grounds. That's not entirely true.

Let's look at some common areas in which we may need help before we meet The One. Many of us deal with the fear of abandonment, the inability to speak up for ourselves, or the tendency to give too much of ourselves in a relationship. If we work on these issues with our boyfriend or a man we've just started dating, they can be a barrier to love. And this difficulty will be multiplied if the man has his own problems to work out as well. When we don't do the work before we meet the guy, our relationships will have a lot of ups and downs and a lot of unnecessary drama.

So doesn't it seem much better to learn the skills we'll need for a long lasting relationship from a best friend? Of course it does! I think we can agree that with our best friends we're less judgmental, more forgiving and more flexible than we tend to be with our love lives. This is, in part, because we don't feel we have as much at stake (despite how untrue that may be). How we treat anyone in our lives has everything to do with our ability to love.

Here are three ways our best friends can help us with our boyfriends:

1. We can learn better communication skills by being more truthful and authentic. This is easier with our friends because we know they value us and easily accept who we are.

2. We can learn to "let go" with a best friend and not be so clingy. We can lessen the fear that just because someone isn't always around, it doesn't mean they don't love us.

3. We can learn to be more accepting, because God knows, our friends are not exactly like us. They do things we'd never do, say things we'd never say and think things we'd never think. Yet, we accept these differences and don't try to change them. We actually enjoy their "foibles" and don't take them personally.

There is no one better than a good gal pal to teach us about love. They can also make us aware of how good things could be in our love lifes if we didn't "overreact" with men! We'll never get over all our fears and problems, but we will be able to lessen and control them. When you enter into a romantic relationship, instead of wasting time in the ups and downs and drama, we'll be using the time for what really feels good — for love.

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Relationship Questions To Ask For Long-Term Commitment

ProConnect Subscribe to Experts Blog By Janet Ong Zimmerman

"I'm not letting you go 'til you answer #32!" This checklist can make things a whole lot clearer.

Have you been dating a guy you really like for the past few months? Are you thinking you want to be in a long-term relationship with him? If so, you may be wondering when to have "the talk" with him. Instead of rushing to do so, first determine your reasons for actually wanting to be in a committed relationship.     

Reasons based on any variation of, "I'm tired of being single. I'm sick of dating. I'm getting older so I'd better get married soon. What if I don't find someone better?" mean he's not the one you really want. If you're in this situation, he just happens to be the guy in front of you — not necessarily the best guy for you. Wanting to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons guarantees a short-term relationship or a future of unhappiness. Let him go so that he can find a woman who is truly excited to be with him... and so you can find a man who's perfect for you. 

If he's the one you really want, your reasons will include things like "I really like him as a person. I like who I am when I'm around him and when we're apart. I smile just thinking of him. I love being with him." If this describes you, your relationship has the potential for a long-term commitment.

But how do you know what's important to consider in making such an important decision? The following relationship questions will confirm whether or not you're both compatible for the long run. 

44 Relationship Questions To Ask Yourself In A New Relationship
Check in with your inner monologue and answer these relationship questions after you have gotten to know him well enough to get a good sense of who he is.  If you don't know him very well, don't answer these questions until you learn more about him (and don't make a decision about whether he's the guy for you before then, either!). 

About Me

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Do I like how he treats me?Am I a priority in his life?Does he respect me?Do I feel safe around him?Does he accept me for who I am?Am I being my authentic self around him?Can I express myself freely when difficult situations come up?Do I feel secure when we're together and when we're not together?Does he inspire me to be the best version of myself?Is he encouraging and supportive of what I want in life?Is he genuinely happy for me when good things happen to me?Can I live with his quirky behaviors and traits?Do I like him the way he is if he never changes?Am I having fun with him?Do I like who I am when I'm with and without him?Do I feel uplifted when we're together?Do I feel free to pursue my passions, have alone time, and spend time with friends and family?Do my family and friends like him?Do I like his family and friends?Can I see us growing old together?

Now, you'll need to answer some questions about him. (After all, he is the variable factor in this equation)! Keep reading...

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Relationship Coach for Successful Women

Author of forthcoming book, "How to Attract a Man Who Completely Loves and Accepts Me: The Empowering Three-Step Approach to Create True & Lasting Love"

Having a hard time finding success in love?  Take the Love Indicator Assessment. You'll receive a free 6-page report showing where you're at with love, the reasons you haven't found it yet and what you can do to immediately improve your love life.

For more dating and relationship support, join Love for Successful Women's Google Plus Community.

Ready for love?  Contact Janet at janet@loveforsuccessfulwomen.com or 949-278-4792.

Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single SupportOther Articles/News by Janet Ong Zimmerman:By Janet Ong Zimmerman, Rochelle Bilow

Can a one night stand ever turn into more? Should it? Dating coach Janet Ong has some advice for singles that starts even before the night out: consider not hooking up at all. Couples who sleep together too quickly can experience feelings of lust that are confused with love. In a recent segment with HuffPost Live, Ong, along with three other panelists, ... Read moreBy Janet Ong Zimmerman

Some women are convinced that 30 is the new 20 — they put their love lives on the back burner as they climb the corporate ladder, assuming that they have plenty of time to settle down. Then, years later, they realize that they haven't found a partner. Don't let this happen to you! Don't Live Your Love Life According To This Foolish ... Read moreBy Janet Ong Zimmerman

From a young age, girls grow up thinking that a boyfriend will make them happy and that when they find one, life will be complete. Any dating coach will tell you that when this thinking carries into adulthood, single women will focus too much on finding a partner. Trying too hard leads to behaving and acting in ways that end up turning off guys. If all you ... Read moreSee More

It’s a question I get asked often.  How do I know?  Is this is my soulmate?  There are probably...

Take back your power. Learn how to cheat infidelity by not inviting it into your life.

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Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

How to find the right pro for you YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>

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Secrecy, Snooping & Other Relationship Killers

Knock it off. You are not a private investigator. If you're feeling anxious about your partner, the best thing to do is communicate with them.

If we've heard it once, we've heard it a million times: the best relationships are those in which partners can communicate openly, honestly, and without reservation or fear. So why is this so difficult for us to believe? Why do we insist on sneaking around our boyfriend's emails, texts and personal stuff? A relationship and dating expert has some alternatives to help women stop the madness and start truly communicating.

What I'm about to share with you today is very personal to me. I believe relationships should be built on trust, honesty and respect for each other's personal space. What I'm going to give you is a blueprint for building a trusting, loving relationship. Even though some of what I'm about to say may be hard for you to digest and hard for you to resist doing at first, listen closely: it could change your relationship health for the better. 

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1. No matter what your women's intuition might be telling you… never snoop!
A lot of women snoop. They dig into their boyfriend's e-mail. They check all the messages on their guy's phone. I've met a ton of women and almost every one of them has admitted to snooping one time or another into a man's personal stuff when he wasn't around. They call it women's intuition and they justify it by saying they knew something was up. They just wanted peace of mind. 

Never, ever snoop. When you snoop, you will find something. And you'll find something about which you can create a story — even if it's completely innocent. He might be flirting with an ex because he's had a row with you. It's his way of trying to figure things out. Or it could be his way of getting over the argument.

Men process things in totally different ways, and our egos love to be validated by women from our past and women in our present. It doesn't mean he's about to cheat on you. So allow a man to have his personal space. His inbox is his inbox. You can confront him and ask him if he's having an emotional affair, physical affair, or anything else, but don't snoop because you'll find something you don't like. 

2. Trust is built on communication.
If you want to ask a man something, ask him. If things don't feel right, discuss it in the moment. If they still don't feel right, continue to have that conversation. In order to build a trusting relationship, you need to build it from the beginning. A man needs to feel comfortable discussing everything with you.

If a man talks about his needs, wants and desires with you, make sure you respond positively to him. If you ignore what he's telling you he needs from the relationship, he's going to retreat into that man cave, and he's going to pull back emotionally. If there are things you can't satisfy, be open and honest and tell him. Remember that this is a two way street. The relationship may not be what you think.

3. All relationships have nothing but trust.
There should be no secrets. Phone calls should be taken in front of each other. Whenever a friend calls, you shouldn't leave the room or whisper;  it'll create mistrust. You should be able to communicate in front of each other. You should be able to work in front of one another. You should be able to text in front of one another. Life should be an open book. If it's an open book, you'll trust one another.

If you truly can't find it in yourself to trust your partner, look honestly at the relationship and ask yourself some hard questions about whether it's the best match for either of you.

I truly believe that relationships are built on trust. Snooping and not talking honestly and openly are relationship killers waiting to strike. Keep these tips in mind and I guarantee your next relationship will be far more rewarding. We discussed how snooping was a major no-no in relationships, but if you want to discover four more deadly mistakes women make with men, take a look at the free video on my site HERE.

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Survey: What Do You Want From A Dating & Relationship Mobile App?

Have 5 minutes? Tell us what you want in a dating & relationship app. Take our quick survey and help us create the perfect app for you.

At YourTango we're committed to giving you the dating and relationship content that will help you live your best love life. And we can't ignore that more and more of you are getting your information and news (and playing games, browsing Facebook, etc.) through mobile apps. So, we're looking to combine the two. Let YourTango come to you on your mobile device or tablet with the best dating and relationship app you can download.

When we started brainstorming what that app would look like, we knew that you — our readers — would have all the answers. We want to develop an app that helps improve your love life, so why not go straight to the source?

More from YourTango: 5 Mad Men-Inspired Date Night Ideas

Help us create something that you love by taking five minutes to answer our quick survey about your use of dating and relationship sites and apps.

CLICK HERE TO TAKE OUR SURVEY.

All of the information gathered through this survey will remain anonymous and will only be used in the aggregate.

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Thank you for your help!

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Does A Relationship Need Great Sexual Chemistry? [VIDEO]

Are you tired of dating men — only to find that they weren't a match for you after sex? Do you wonder how important sexual chemistry is in a relationship? If so, help is on the way.

In this video, author and YourTango Expert Maya Ezratti explains that jumping into bed with someone too soon can hurt your chances of developing a relationship with that person. "You dont want to sleep with a guy too soon because then you risk ruining the chances of a great relationship that could develop," she says. "If the passion is there and the chemistry is there, it's still going to be there a week or two later." Hold off on sleeping together and get to know each other more intimately. Maya has a few suggestions.

More from YourTango: Newly Single? How To Make A Fresh Start [VIDEO]

Want to learn more? Check out the video above!

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3 Signs You're In A Love-Hate Relationship [EXPERT]

ProConnect Subscribe to Experts Blog By Jess McCann. Posted on Mar 19th 2013.

Is it love or hate? Sometimes it's hard to tell. Are you in a love-hate relationship? Let's find out!

When a girl likes a guy, she will put up with a lot. Flaking on phone calls, cancelling plans and even dropping hints that a long-term relationship is not in the cards. Every day, I receive emails from women desperately seeking advice about how to deal with the object of their affection and frustration. While I can give tips and techniques on how to get him to initiate more texts or how to have that relationship talk, the real question here is why do so many women want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly frustrates and disappoints them?

Are you in a love-hate relationship? Let's find out!

More from YourTango: Still Looking For Mr. Right? You Probably Walked Right Past Him.

1. You only like "the outside." He may be 6'2, drive a Benz and have a wicked cute smile, but he also cancels at the last minute, waits days to call and keeps you on edge at all times. You want him but you also can't stand him and that is because you are smitten with the exterior package he portrays.

Sure, he's good looking, charming and funny but those are all surface-level qualities, and what matters most when deciding to get involved with a man is his core character. Is he a man of his word? Is he someone who puts others first? Does he treat all people with the same respect? Most importantly, how does he make you feel when you're with him?

As I talk about in my book, Was It Something I Said?: The Answer to All Your Dating Dilemmas, these are the more important things to consider, so when you are frustrated by your guy, ask yourself if what's going on here is you love the outside but hate what's inside? Even though you may be wildly attracted to him now, after a few years of being with a man who lacks character, you won't care how cute his butt looks in those jeans. You won't be able to stand the sight of him.

2. He's a prize to be won. You've already invested a few months and although things aren't exactly going well, you'll be damned if you give up and walk away now. But your quest to officially land him has become more about validating yourself than it is about finding true love.

More from YourTango: Top 10 Self-Help Books About Love [EXPERT]

When we get involved with people who are selfish or unreliable (for example) it make us question our worth. It shouldn't, because it's not our fault a guy lacks character but for some reason we tell ourselves that if he liked us more, he'd behave better. Keep reading ...

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Other Articles/News by Jess McCann:By Jess McCann

The following is part of an excerpt from the new book, You Lost him at Hello: From dating to “I Do” – secret strategies from one of America’s top dating coaches (HCI, 2013), by Jess McCann Mallory and Megan are best friends. When they both turned twenty-nine they suddenly began to worry about whether or not they were ever going to ... Read moreBy Jess McCann

Many years ago, before I became a relationship coach, I read a lot of self-help books. Some were good, some were bad, and I always struggled to decide whose advice to take. When I became an author, and submersed myself in the world of self-improvement, it became clear which books had useful, innovative advice for women. With that in mind, here are the top ten ... Read moreBy Jess McCann

I remember in high school the very distinct feeling that I would never understand men. The boys I had dated long-term in both high school and college sent me such conflicting messages that I truly believed men simply didn't have emotions. Not like women did, anyway. After all, how can you tell someone you love them one day, and then blow them off to party ... Read moreSee More

I am on a mission. I am bound and determined to teach women of all ages, throughout the globe ...

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Relationship Advice: 5 More Things Your Mom Never Told You

What did your mom forget to tell you about love? ... but you absolutely should know.

Last week, we gave you five things your mom forgot to tell you about love. Turns out, there's a few more things she forgot to mention.

Remember when your mom found your sex ed book and launched into a diatribe about how "heavy petting" (yes, that was a glossary term) is what led to your consummation? No, just me? Well, lucky you, readers. Either way, when it comes to dispensing knowledge on relationships, there are undoubtedly some things dear old mom left out. Hey, it's her job! Now don't tell her we told you, but here are our five more frontrunners:

More from YourTango: Who Is Pope Francis & What Does He Stand For?

1. Timing > Love
It's possible your mother imparted on you the infamous "timing is everything" wisdom, but it's more possible she opted for the far more optimistic: "love conquers all". The fact is, the first one is true, and the second one isn't. There will be people you'll love in your life, who'll also love you, but that doesn't mean they're the "forever" ones. That may be life's biggest lesson: love isn't always enough. And what's more frustrating, you can be extremely compatible with this person, and everything seems so easy like you've always heard it should be — but if someone's not ready to move forward, they just won't. It's like a boulder, you can't move it on your own and you'll exhaust yourself trying, not to mention waste your time. Still, there is a sliver lining: these same people serve a significant purpose in your life, and more importantly, help both shape your character as well as make you realize what you want and need in a partner.

2. Don't, Um, Suck In Bed
Well, my mom actually did tell me this, in a somewhat round about way, but it was so shocking I'm convinced this isn't normal. When I was in high school, she received a wedding invitation in the mail, and informed me the two people getting married were both virgins; then said this verbatim: "Can you imagine? Talk about missionary position forever." It's only now, more than 10 years later, I realize what she really meant was: don't be afraid to experiment a little before locking it down, and especially with your current significant other.

More from YourTango: 10 Acceptable Pick-Up Lines For St. Patrick's Day

3. Sex Spells, They're A Thing
What is a sex spell, you ask? It's an unexplainable desire and pull towards someone you'd likely never even be in a serious relationship with, but you're both completely infatuated and bonded to despite little to no rational reason. This doesn't always have to equal great sex (though it almost always does), there's just a natural, almost unshakable attraction. And here's the real kicker your mother would never own up to: a true one can be harder to find, and at certain times in your life even more fulfilling, than love. Keep Reading ...

More Relationship Advice From YourTango:

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Long Distance Relationship... over??

Hi I am only new to this but i was wondering if i could get some advice.

I have been in an LDR for the past 9 months to an amazing guy. The problem is neither of us is willing to move so we would be looking at being LDR for 4 more years. I am a single mum of a 6 year old boy (his dad doesn't see him) and I love the area I am in, I have family support, friends, job and I am in university (3 years to go). My SO is in his town where he has just started his university degree (4 years to go). Because his specific degree is not available in my state he wants me to move to him and transfer my degree (which will add another year to my degree). But if I do this I would be moving to a place where I don't know anybody other than him, so i would have no family support, I would also have to give up my job which I love because I can work around my son and I would have to transfer my uni degree to his state. I have asked him to move here and transfer to a similar degree but he doesn't want to as he is doing exactly what he wants at uni. I have also said to him that I am not prepared to do distance for 4 more years until he can move here, but he thinks I am being selfish and that it is only a short time in a lifetime and that we can move back to my state once his degree is finished. One of my biggest concerns is that my son and my mum have a very close relationship and by moving it would be very hard on both of them and I also couldn't see myself happy in his state I would only be moving to be with him. Is it time to end the relationship? And yes we have spoken about marriage and future plans. He has also not yet traveled to my state or met my son, though he paid for my last trip. We have not seen each other since November, as neither of us have had enough money for the flights so our main contact is phone and skype. I am 25 and he is 27.

Last edited by 1988_B; Yesterday at 01:47 AM.

He can't call you selfish for wanting to stay in your own life with your son if he's so steadfastly against leaving his own life -- it's hypocritical and unfair to you. I also think that since he hasn't made the effort to come see you and your son, even if he paid for your trip, he might not be taking it as seriously as you are. It wasn't clear whether you guys have met more than just the once, though you said "my last trip" as though there had been more than one, therefore I'm going to assume that you went to see him more than once. The fact that he's point-blank refusing to budge on it even just to come visit you like you've visited him makes me think that he's just being selfish about it. He just wants to have his own way with it and he can't even make the effort to meet your child, who is obviously such a huge part of your life. If you guys can't come to a compromise on this, then it probably speaks about future problems that you might encounter; in a truly functional relationship, both people have to be willing to sacrifice and bend for the other person sometimes, even when it's not necessarily the best for them. It seems like you've been thinking about it much more than he has, and you seem to be trying much harder to come to a solution that can work for the both of you, whereas he's just planted in his ways and doesn't want to inconvenience himself for you at all.

Based on my experience, compromise is one of the best key for a relationship to work. My husband and I used to be in a long distance relationship too, not just different state, but different countries. What happened was I left my home country, my family, my work and everything to be with my now husband. I know it's so hard as I would be all alone in a new country other than being with my hubby and his family of course. But it still feels so much different being with all the people and the environment that I've gotten used to. But to make our relationship work, one must do the sacrifice, which I did. Between the two of us, I'm the one who's more adaptable and more prepared to leave everything and live in a new country. If no one between you two are prepared to sacrifice, there's no point in being in the relationship. That's just my own opinion anyway.

You aren't selfish. He can't expect you to leave your whole life without any hesitation to just be with him. But maybe you could visit him for a few weeks? Spend some time there with your son - two weeks for example - this way you will know how would it be like to live there and it will be easier to decide what you really want.

Four years may be a short time for you and your boyfriend, but it will represent 40-60% of your son's life. It will significantly affect his sense of safety and connection to the ones he loves.

The only person I would call selfish would be you if you uprooted your son's life and damaged your mother's connection with her grandson for the purpose of pursuing your love life.

His request that you move before even meeting your son and/or your family is disrespectful to you and a very BIG RED FLAG. Controlling and abusive men prefer to isolate women from their support systems and make them dependent on the man. This gives them the power to dictate the relationship. They are very good at finding vulnerable women, charming them and then isolating them.

Of course, he may be a perfectly decent, if somewhat inconsiderate of your life, man. However, I would suggest you get some information about his past relationships and how they ended. The controlling and abusive guy always blames it on the girl. She was "nuts" or cheated on him. He is almost always unable to acknowledge that his behavior was a problem.

In addition to asking you to move, has he tried to get you to alter your life in other ways? Who you talk to?, Who you hang out with?, What you where?, etc.

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Relationship Advice: 5 More Things Your Mom Never Told You

What did your mom forget to tell you about love? ... but you absolutely should know.

Last week, we gave you five things your mom forgot to tell you about love. Turns out, there's a few more things she forgot to mention.

Remember when your mom found your sex ed book and launched into a diatribe about how "heavy petting" (yes, that was a glossary term) is what led to your consummation? No, just me? Well, lucky you, readers. Either way, when it comes to dispensing knowledge on relationships, there are undoubtedly some things dear old mom left out. Hey, it's her job! Now don't tell her we told you, but here are our five more frontrunners:

More from YourTango: Would You Try SEXCEREAL?

1. Timing > Love
It's possible your mother imparted on you the infamous "timing is everything" wisdom, but it's more possible she opted for the far more optimistic: "love conquers all". The fact is, the first one is true, and the second one isn't. There will be people you'll love in your life, who'll also love you, but that doesn't mean they're the "forever" ones. That may be life's biggest lesson: love isn't always enough. And what's more frustrating, you can be extremely compatible with this person, and everything seems so easy like you've always heard it should be — but if someone's not ready to move forward, they just won't. It's like a boulder, you can't move it on your own and you'll exhaust yourself trying, not to mention waste your time. Still, there is a sliver lining: these same people serve a significant purpose in your life, and more importantly, help both shape your character as well as make you realize what you want and need in a partner.

2. Don't, Um, Suck In Bed
Well, my mom actually did tell me this, in a somewhat round about way, but it was so shocking I'm convinced this isn't normal. When I was in high school, she received a wedding invitation in the mail, and informed me the two people getting married were both virgins; then said this verbatim: "Can you imagine? Talk about missionary position forever." It's only now, more than 10 years later, I realize what she really meant was: don't be afraid to experiment a little before locking it down, and especially with your current significant other.

More from YourTango: Are We Sacrificing Our Relationships For Happiness?

3. Sex Spells, They're A Thing
What is a sex spell, you ask? It's an unexplainable desire and pull towards someone you'd likely never even be in a serious relationship with, but you're both completely infatuated and bonded to despite little to no rational reason. This doesn't always have to equal great sex (though it almost always does), there's just a natural, almost unshakable attraction. And here's the real kicker your mother would never own up to: a true one can be harder to find, and at certain times in your life even more fulfilling, than love. Keep Reading ...

More Relationship Advice From YourTango:

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I feel like my relationship is going down the drain. Someone, please help!

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. At first, everything was great. Now, not so much.
He was raised by a single mother, who is a very nice and independent woman. I think he grew up in that mindset, that women need to completely take care of themselves. Meaning, he doesn't take me on dates, and told me that if he did, he wouldn't pay because "girls shouldn't expect to be paid for". If he drives me somewhere, he will ask for gas money, which I have never done to him when I drive. Whenever we do something, it is always split 50/50, or I end up paying for him. He makes more than three times the amount of money that I do. He just never has any, because he will spend it to the last nickel within 3 days of getting his check, on random things he doesn't need. Im really not a materialistic person. This wouldn't bother me, if he didn't ask me for money constantly.

Also, he never stands up for me. Especially with his friends. They will make very mean jokes about me, and he just laughs along with them. His reasoning is "they do that to everyone". He also vents to his friends about our personal problems, A LOT. Im going through a tough time in my life right now, and he shares very personal things about me that his friends don't need to be knowing. He sees no problems with this, even though they make jokes about it to me.
However, last Valentines day, my coworkers asked what I had done the year before for Valentines. I mentioned that I did nothing, because my boyfriend doesn't believe it should be a holiday. Literally, all I said. When he heard that, he flipped out and said I was making him sound like a horrible boyfriend, and I shouldn't be telling other people about his business. Hmm.

We get into arguments over tiny things, and then he flips them way out of proportion. Even when I tell him to please stop, because I don't want to fight. His response the last time that happened was "Of course, so you're right, and I have to f*cking bow to you?". He will never apologize unless I do first, and this is after hours of him ignoring me, because he needs to "calm himself down". We only fight when I'm PMS'ing, which is "just an excuse", according to him. He is very insensitive when we are having an argument. He has made me cry before, told me to shut up, and then left the room and played video games for the rest of the night.

He had been talking to his ex girlfriend a few months ago, and didn't say anything about it to me. When I confronted him about it, he said that its none of my f*cking business who he talks to, because he's "allowed to have his own damn life".

We don't have sex often, and when we do, Im always the one who initiates it. He has turned me down multiple times, usually because he had planned to hang out with his friends that night. Once, it was because he was playing video games, and "had to finish what he was doing first". When it does happen, it is always a race to the finish line. He says he can't slow down, because he won't last as long. He never kisses me or anything during sex, just goes at it until he's done.

I don't know what to do anymore. He is moving out of my house soon, which will hopefully ease some of the tension. Im just at the point where I feel like I might not be in love with him anymore. I definitely love him, he is my best friend. I just can't handle his immaturity sometimes. This is his first serious relationship, none of the others lasted more than 4-5 months. Im not sure if its something Im doing wrong, or if he's just not very experienced in relationships.

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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Best girl ever met....How do i build relationship with her?

I like a girl from my high school. And i think she is perfect! I lived in Canada since 2010 and my English is bad.... I feel very hard to talk to girls. How do i talk to her? Maybe not a "LOVE" relationship, i just want to talk to her and make her laugh. HOW? Any advice?

The girl on the left:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1892099841649&set=t.1006720249&type=3&theater

Be yourself. Trying too hard can come out alot worse than just being you.
When you're together focus your attention on her and ask her a few random
questions which could spark a conversation. Hopefully you'll fall on something
that interests her and she'll be listening. Good luck!

There are many things people can do to make them laugh. You can show or email her a funny video clip. You can email her a funny picture. You can look up funny things online and send / show it to her. By the way, no one is perfect. I think what you are feeling is infatuation. I can use some funny opening lines to make her laugh.

Good luck!

I agree with Claudine... being yourself is always the way to go. If you're planning on having something REAL with this girl, then you're gonna have to give her the REAL YOU. A lot of times, us men get all worked up and start thinking that these ladies want Rico Suave, Superman, or Cassanova.... when in reality, all they're really looking for is a normal guy, that's gonna be good to them, treat them like a lady, make them feel special, and make them feel like a WOMAN. Just be yourself bro, if you really like her, treat her like you like her. If she's feeling you, she'll start to put out those vibes and give you hints. You just gotta be able to pick up on those signs, and be ready to react to them when she throws them at you. Good luck bro!

You may not create new Love Advice Forum threadsYou may not post repliesYou may not post attachmentsYou may not edit your postsForum Rules

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Best girl ever met....How do i build relationship with her?

I like a girl from my high school. And i think she is perfect! I lived in Canada since 2010 and my English is bad.... I feel very hard to talk to girls. How do i talk to her? Maybe not a "LOVE" relationship, i just want to talk to her and make her laugh. HOW? Any advice?

The girl on the left:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1892099841649&set=t.1006720249&type=3&theater

Be yourself. Trying too hard can come out alot worse than just being you.
When you're together focus your attention on her and ask her a few random
questions which could spark a conversation. Hopefully you'll fall on something
that interests her and she'll be listening. Good luck!

There are many things people can do to make them laugh. You can show or email her a funny video clip. You can email her a funny picture. You can look up funny things online and send / show it to her. By the way, no one is perfect. I think what you are feeling is infatuation. I can use some funny opening lines to make her laugh.

Good luck!

I agree with Claudine... being yourself is always the way to go. If you're planning on having something REAL with this girl, then you're gonna have to give her the REAL YOU. A lot of times, us men get all worked up and start thinking that these ladies want Rico Suave, Superman, or Cassanova.... when in reality, all they're really looking for is a normal guy, that's gonna be good to them, treat them like a lady, make them feel special, and make them feel like a WOMAN. Just be yourself bro, if you really like her, treat her like you like her. If she's feeling you, she'll start to put out those vibes and give you hints. You just gotta be able to pick up on those signs, and be ready to react to them when she throws them at you. Good luck bro!

You may not create new Love Advice Forum threadsYou may not post repliesYou may not post attachmentsYou may not edit your postsForum Rules

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Is this relationship over before it even began?

Hi Topgun,

Firstly, you should pursuit your dreams of becoming a pilot. It will be your future so you should give it a priority.

Second, if you really are in love with the girl you should inform her about your plans. Good luck!

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