Hi I am only new to this but i was wondering if i could get some advice.I have been in an LDR for the past 9 months to an amazing guy. The problem is neither of us is willing to move so we would be looking at being LDR for 4 more years. I am a single mum of a 6 year old boy (his dad doesn't see him) and I love the area I am in, I have family support, friends, job and I am in university (3 years to go). My SO is in his town where he has just started his university degree (4 years to go). Because his specific degree is not available in my state he wants me to move to him and transfer my degree (which will add another year to my degree). But if I do this I would be moving to a place where I don't know anybody other than him, so i would have no family support, I would also have to give up my job which I love because I can work around my son and I would have to transfer my uni degree to his state. I have asked him to move here and transfer to a similar degree but he doesn't want to as he is doing exactly what he wants at uni. I have also said to him that I am not prepared to do distance for 4 more years until he can move here, but he thinks I am being selfish and that it is only a short time in a lifetime and that we can move back to my state once his degree is finished. One of my biggest concerns is that my son and my mum have a very close relationship and by moving it would be very hard on both of them and I also couldn't see myself happy in his state I would only be moving to be with him. Is it time to end the relationship? And yes we have spoken about marriage and future plans. He has also not yet traveled to my state or met my son, though he paid for my last trip. We have not seen each other since November, as neither of us have had enough money for the flights so our main contact is phone and skype. I am 25 and he is 27.
Last edited by 1988_B; Yesterday at 01:47 AM.
He can't call you selfish for wanting to stay in your own life with your son if he's so steadfastly against leaving his own life -- it's hypocritical and unfair to you. I also think that since he hasn't made the effort to come see you and your son, even if he paid for your trip, he might not be taking it as seriously as you are. It wasn't clear whether you guys have met more than just the once, though you said "my last trip" as though there had been more than one, therefore I'm going to assume that you went to see him more than once. The fact that he's point-blank refusing to budge on it even just to come visit you like you've visited him makes me think that he's just being selfish about it. He just wants to have his own way with it and he can't even make the effort to meet your child, who is obviously such a huge part of your life. If you guys can't come to a compromise on this, then it probably speaks about future problems that you might encounter; in a truly functional relationship, both people have to be willing to sacrifice and bend for the other person sometimes, even when it's not necessarily the best for them. It seems like you've been thinking about it much more than he has, and you seem to be trying much harder to come to a solution that can work for the both of you, whereas he's just planted in his ways and doesn't want to inconvenience himself for you at all.
Based on my experience, compromise is one of the best key for a relationship to work. My husband and I used to be in a long distance relationship too, not just different state, but different countries. What happened was I left my home country, my family, my work and everything to be with my now husband. I know it's so hard as I would be all alone in a new country other than being with my hubby and his family of course. But it still feels so much different being with all the people and the environment that I've gotten used to. But to make our relationship work, one must do the sacrifice, which I did. Between the two of us, I'm the one who's more adaptable and more prepared to leave everything and live in a new country. If no one between you two are prepared to sacrifice, there's no point in being in the relationship. That's just my own opinion anyway.
You aren't selfish. He can't expect you to leave your whole life without any hesitation to just be with him. But maybe you could visit him for a few weeks? Spend some time there with your son - two weeks for example - this way you will know how would it be like to live there and it will be easier to decide what you really want.
Four years may be a short time for you and your boyfriend, but it will represent 40-60% of your son's life. It will significantly affect his sense of safety and connection to the ones he loves.You may not create new Love Advice Forum threadsYou may not post repliesYou may not post attachmentsYou may not edit your postsForum RulesThe only person I would call selfish would be you if you uprooted your son's life and damaged your mother's connection with her grandson for the purpose of pursuing your love life.
His request that you move before even meeting your son and/or your family is disrespectful to you and a very BIG RED FLAG. Controlling and abusive men prefer to isolate women from their support systems and make them dependent on the man. This gives them the power to dictate the relationship. They are very good at finding vulnerable women, charming them and then isolating them.
Of course, he may be a perfectly decent, if somewhat inconsiderate of your life, man. However, I would suggest you get some information about his past relationships and how they ended. The controlling and abusive guy always blames it on the girl. She was "nuts" or cheated on him. He is almost always unable to acknowledge that his behavior was a problem.
In addition to asking you to move, has he tried to get you to alter your life in other ways? Who you talk to?, Who you hang out with?, What you where?, etc.
Making a long distance relationship work is hard, but it's not impossible to do it.