Secrecy, Snooping & Other Relationship Killers

Knock it off. You are not a private investigator. If you're feeling anxious about your partner, the best thing to do is communicate with them.

If we've heard it once, we've heard it a million times: the best relationships are those in which partners can communicate openly, honestly, and without reservation or fear. So why is this so difficult for us to believe? Why do we insist on sneaking around our boyfriend's emails, texts and personal stuff? A relationship and dating expert has some alternatives to help women stop the madness and start truly communicating.

What I'm about to share with you today is very personal to me. I believe relationships should be built on trust, honesty and respect for each other's personal space. What I'm going to give you is a blueprint for building a trusting, loving relationship. Even though some of what I'm about to say may be hard for you to digest and hard for you to resist doing at first, listen closely: it could change your relationship health for the better. 

More from YourTango: How To Cater To A Romantic Man

1. No matter what your women's intuition might be telling you… never snoop!
A lot of women snoop. They dig into their boyfriend's e-mail. They check all the messages on their guy's phone. I've met a ton of women and almost every one of them has admitted to snooping one time or another into a man's personal stuff when he wasn't around. They call it women's intuition and they justify it by saying they knew something was up. They just wanted peace of mind. 

Never, ever snoop. When you snoop, you will find something. And you'll find something about which you can create a story — even if it's completely innocent. He might be flirting with an ex because he's had a row with you. It's his way of trying to figure things out. Or it could be his way of getting over the argument.

Men process things in totally different ways, and our egos love to be validated by women from our past and women in our present. It doesn't mean he's about to cheat on you. So allow a man to have his personal space. His inbox is his inbox. You can confront him and ask him if he's having an emotional affair, physical affair, or anything else, but don't snoop because you'll find something you don't like. 

2. Trust is built on communication.
If you want to ask a man something, ask him. If things don't feel right, discuss it in the moment. If they still don't feel right, continue to have that conversation. In order to build a trusting relationship, you need to build it from the beginning. A man needs to feel comfortable discussing everything with you.

If a man talks about his needs, wants and desires with you, make sure you respond positively to him. If you ignore what he's telling you he needs from the relationship, he's going to retreat into that man cave, and he's going to pull back emotionally. If there are things you can't satisfy, be open and honest and tell him. Remember that this is a two way street. The relationship may not be what you think.

3. All relationships have nothing but trust.
There should be no secrets. Phone calls should be taken in front of each other. Whenever a friend calls, you shouldn't leave the room or whisper;  it'll create mistrust. You should be able to communicate in front of each other. You should be able to work in front of one another. You should be able to text in front of one another. Life should be an open book. If it's an open book, you'll trust one another.

If you truly can't find it in yourself to trust your partner, look honestly at the relationship and ask yourself some hard questions about whether it's the best match for either of you.

I truly believe that relationships are built on trust. Snooping and not talking honestly and openly are relationship killers waiting to strike. Keep these tips in mind and I guarantee your next relationship will be far more rewarding. We discussed how snooping was a major no-no in relationships, but if you want to discover four more deadly mistakes women make with men, take a look at the free video on my site HERE.

More from YourTango: How To Balance 'Me' With 'We' In Your Relationship

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Can you see each other too much

Hi all

I have been seeing a lovely lady for a few months now, we normally meet up once a week to spend quality time together, which means the whole afternoon / evening. In between meetup’s we keep communicating in various ways. She now feels we should spend more time together, even if it is for shorter periods.

Just wondering if anyone has any views or experience on how often is healthy for a relationship to meet up, without smothering each other and affecting our normal lives?

Thanks

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"lots of love" and other mixed messages...can't see where this guy is willing to go..

Hi all,

Apologies in advance for the very lengthy story ...
I met this guy (D) two years ago through my work. I live in Belgium and he lives and works in the UK. I work in an international NGO and the company for which he works is amongst our members. So now and then we get to meet. Since our first encounter, he has been very kind to me. Shortly after that first encounter, I helped him fix some hotel bookings for a meeting we were organizing and that he was going to attend. The meeting was a huge 3 day bash in Liechtenstein.On site, at one of the side meetings a guy who hadn't registered for it sort of roughhoused me and D came to the rescue . At that time, I had just been hired after 3 months as a temp and my boss was somewhat snooty with me. D witnessed him snapping his fingers at me during a coffee break and D had been previously told by one of my senior colleagues( who had befriended me since day 1 and who's nickname is Charlie aka "Charlie's angels") that my boss was sort of mobbing me ... so D came to me and asked how could I stand being snapped at? I told him in a jokey tone that my boss was so stressed out he was having hallucinations and was mistaking me for Jeeves ( famous butler character in PG Wodehouse's book)... D burst into laughter and asked how the hell I knew who Jeeves was ...And that's how the story began... during the rest of the 3 days of conferences and evening bashes, he would now and then come to me to start a conversation ... For instance: I was standing almost in front of the chart where all the airport shuttles were stated and he would ask me where the chart was ...and after that asking my help to locate his own schedule.... and so on so forth...We parted in a very friendly way and that was that for 2010 and in fact at the time, I just thought he was kind and very handsome, but not much more as I had just called it quits with my son's father ... and I didn't feel in the mood for flirt at all!
In 2011, we were going to Istanbul and he phoned me again to seek my assistance for hotel bookings, which I gladly gave :-). On site, there was some sort of evolution. I was bumping into him a lot... so much that it didn't look like a coincidence anymore. Every now and then, when I was popping of of our "on site office" bam, I bumped into D who also took the opportunity to make some small talk.... Okay, he needed to pass in front of our office to get to his room but ... :-) If I was carrying something heavy, he would insist on helping me , did I go upstairs by foot, he would follow suite... and even once in the lift, he sort of started flirting... The thing is I have a necklace with a key ( symbol of the hotel concierges:I worked for 7 years as a front desk clerk in a 4**** hotel) and so, when we were alone in the lift, he was intently looking at my necklace and said" very nice key you have there , I wonder where it leads to...", I answered him some gibberish about the key but didn't reply directly to his question. Instead, I asked had he shaved his beard... To which he said: "yep, this morning, do I look any younger ? ( D is 13 years my senior) ... Well, at the time, again , I didn't take any hints ... although I found him very attractive and kind... He was just so above my league (hierarchy wise and also experience, education...)... Arrives 2012 and another big bash is scheduled for April in Belgrade. During the planning stage, I notice there is a cock up in his colleague's flight plan and so I very diplomatically mail his colleague with him in copy. Ensued an incredibly long string of mails where each time he was in cc for info , he answered me ...like he wanted to get the conversation going on... and my, oh , my was I happy to see his mails popping in my inbox! April arrives and I go to Belgrade to be onsite...On the day 0 of the big 3 day bash, shortly after arriving at the hotel, guess who pops up in our "office" , casually enquiring if I was done with my work and was I going to attend the welcome cocktail... At my arrival at the cocktail I get the hint from my very good pal "Charlie" that my arrival had had a tangible effect on D who is tentatively making a beeline towards me in what is supposed to be a nonchalant manner... He tried to start a conversation with me in a casual way but I was so shy all over sudden that I cut the conversation short... later on he eventually caught up with me and we chatted for a bit, the rest of our stay there, I will spare you as it was on the same flirty tone... With D teasing me or paying me compliments ... Upon departure , we said, see you next time with a deadline for a huge conference in Qatar in October, then he said, maybe earlier, sweet wishful thinking .... on both our parts I have to say. Turns out he had to attend a meeting I was organizing for a Committee in Brussels. He had a problem with registering which I fixed and he sent me a short but very nice mail with the others concerned in CC it said: "L, Your'e a star it's Official!". When I saw that email and the ones that followed I was besides myself. He and my two other contacts were taking turns complimenting me ... for things I deem absolutely normal. That day, I befriended him on FB as earlier in Belgrade, he had sort of tried to know whether I was on FB , then, again, I didn't take the hint either ... Within, minutes, he accepted my request and from that day onwards we were communicating now and then via FB. Well, mostly him to begin with... I didn't want to appear too clingy ...then progressively , I also commented on his posts. One day, I posted I was going to go to London and his reaction was really speedy... he immediately proposed a drink ... Which onsite became drinks+supper+stroll along the Thames... seasoned with dollops of compliments on both sides. I had already fallen hard for him, but did my best not show it too much. He was going off on holidays the day after with friends . There , with his gang of dudes, they apparently met some gals and one fell for him. So hard, she is all over him like a rash. Posting things on his wall, left, right and center ... Putting a photo of them both as her profile pic(last week or so) , (when he didn't change anything relevant in his info), 2 weeks ago, I commented on one of his shares because it was unavailable outside the UK, so I was saying , "arrgh too bad" His reaction startled me as I wasn't expecting any reaction on that silly post of mine :-) " Well, There is 1 way to solve that problem:-)" Meaning I guess: "come to London"... I answered a bit too noncommittally as I didn't want him to think I was all over him like the other woman. The he started posting all the gold medal stamps RMG was producing for TeamGB.... In the meantime, we communicated a good deal last weekend and he even thought about my birthday. Last weekend , I received a postcard from him at my home adress. Concluding with "lots of love" when he never ever signed like that before... Just xx . When I thanked him in a FB private message ending with lots of love too , the conclusion of his answer was "I'm glad the card hit home. How sweet... :-). Means he is happy that I answered lots of love too ? guys please help me grasp the bigger picture, I feel like I'm in love with a riddle, an extremely kind and handsome riddle, but a riddle all the same ... Or is it our respective jobs ? or is it the age gap, he is worrying about ... , or am I pushing him away without doing it on purpose... Oh, BTW, when I logged in on FB to thank him, I noticed his groupie had changed her profile pic again and he wasn't in the picture anymore, when he was still in the pic24 hours before? Coincidence?

Am at loss and I really do love him to bits even if I try to appear as cool as a cucumber :-) out of fear of rejection...
By the way, i'm a Leo girl and he's a Libra guy. I'm not in all that astrology thing on a day to day predictions basis but I already noticed you could find some personality similarities in persons who were born at the same period of the year.

Please help me! Advice is strongly needed here

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"We cannot imagine now living without each other and our little angel"

Jacques and Tatiana met in a chat on the site Anastasia in March 2011.

Jacques :

"I liked the photo of Tatiana and especially her smile and blue eyes. I received a letter from her before, but did not answer. When I saw Tatiana in the chat realized that it is fate."

Tatiana:

"I also liked photo of Jacques, but did not seen the video. We had a lot of jokes and sometimes serious talking in the chat. And finally we exchanged contact information and many hours talking in Skype.
We fall in love with first look and can’t stop to talk. After a month of dating I visit Jacques in South Africa.Previously, I could not imagine that I first visit a man not in my country. It was an unforgettable trip! A month later, Jacques came to Ukraine.We met with the families of each other and realized that the different of cultures not really important and we have a lot of common. After 9 months after dating we have born a girl! It was hard to choose a name for this beautiful girl and we give name of the site on which met each other - Anastasia! We cannot imagine now living without each other and our little angel)"

Jacques:
"We have not  decided  yet in which country will we live, but it is not the main thing.The most important thing that we are together!
Thank you very much AnastasiaDate for the connection our hearts!"

Jacques- Krugersdorp, South Africa

Tatiana- nikolaev, Ukraine

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"We cannot imagine now living without each other and our little angel"

Jacques and Tatiana met in a chat on the site Anastasia in March 2011.

Jacques :

"I liked the photo of Tatiana and especially her smile and blue eyes. I received a letter from her before, but did not answer. When I saw Tatiana in the chat realized that it is fate."

Tatiana:

"I also liked photo of Jacques, but did not seen the video. We had a lot of jokes and sometimes serious talking in the chat. And finally we exchanged contact information and many hours talking in Skype.
We fall in love with first look and can’t stop to talk. After a month of dating I visit Jacques in South Africa.Previously, I could not imagine that I first visit a man not in my country. It was an unforgettable trip! A month later, Jacques came to Ukraine.We met with the families of each other and realized that the different of cultures not really important and we have a lot of common. After 9 months after dating we have born a girl! It was hard to choose a name for this beautiful girl and we give name of the site on which met each other - Anastasia! We cannot imagine now living without each other and our little angel)"

Jacques:
"We have not  decided  yet in which country will we live, but it is not the main thing.The most important thing that we are together!
Thank you very much AnastasiaDate for the connection our hearts!"

Jacques- Krugersdorp, South Africa

Tatiana- nikolaev, Ukraine

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Can two lonely souls meet each other in this world?

Can two lonely hearts be together or it’s just a beautiful dream?

I had been lonely for 10 years…
My previous marriage was destroyed and I thought that my life was over…
I didn’t believe that happiness would knock on my door again. I had the life which million lonely people had…I worked a lot and I tried to stay at job till the late evening because no one was waiting for me at home…
But one day my life was changed…
I want to thank you Anastasiadate.com for their help…They changed my life forever and ever…
George Sand said "There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved."
I came to this site with a strong desire to meet a good man and create a family.
Karl was the first one who sent me a letter…it was sincere, tender and breathtaking. We have been together for 2 years but I still have his first letter and I will have it till the end of the world.
His words touched my heart and I was very happy to continue our communicate…I stopped to stay at job till the late evening and I must confess that I preferred to run home because I knew that a letter from my dear Karl was waiting for me in my mail box. We communicated for some months…I felt that we put our hearts and souls into our letters and we really liked each other.
Then Karl proposed me to meet him in the real live…My heart was singing as I dreamed about a personal meeting but I was afraid to propose him this…
He came to my apartment with a big bouquet of my favorite roses…It was the happiest day in my life…We spent some wonderful and unforgettable days together and understood that we were created for each other. The next time we met each other in Croatia and we had a wonderful holiday. It was full of happiness, joy and love. Dear Karl, "If I know what love is, it is because of you!"
After our holiday we started to do our papers for a fiancée visa K1 for me. I understood that I couldn’t live if my beloved man was not with me…
It took us 9 months to take all papers and pass an interview in the embassy but the happiest day came at last. My beloved Karl came to Kiev and we went to the embassy together. He was waiting for me outside but he was near as he was in my heart. After some days we had a flight to the USA and our lives were changed completely. You know every morning we wake up together and feel like we are the happiest people in the world. Every evening we thank the Lord for our happiness.
So, we started to prepare everything for our future marriage and this day came in a month…It was not a big wedding. There were just I, my beloved man, his daughter, his son and his brother but we were the happiest in the world!!!
My beloved Karl, “You’re my beloved man, you are my loving husband, you are my leading star…Your words are my food…. You are everything for me."
I love you very much, my beloved husband.
Dear friends, please don’t be afraid to be happy!!! I know it’s a challenge to meet your special one and your soul mate but if you have faith in your heart it will help you to move mountains!

Irina - Lugansk, Ukraine

Karl - South Carolina, USA

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Other People's Drama

“So do I go?” Ursula asked.

No, you absolutely should not go, I thought.

“Do you want to go?” I asked.

“Yes and no,” she began. “I mean, he’s leaving. I want to see him before he goes. But on the other hand, I’m so angry that he’s leaving. He’s running off to Chicago to be with that annoying comic girl instead of staying here to work things out with me. The idea of going seems humiliating. But if I don’t go, than it seems like I’m too upset to handle it. I want to appear strong, even though I don’t feel that way right now. Maybe I should go with a date. Should I bring a date?”

No, you absolutely should not bring a date, I thought.

“It’s an option,” I said without any real conviction.

“No, that’s a bad option,” she said, making me breathe a sigh of relief. “K., I don’t want him to go.”

“I know,” I said gently. “If it makes you feel better, Ben really does think this is temporary insanity on Mitchell’s part, and that he’ll realize it once he gets out there and come back.”

“He’d stay out there and be miserable before he’d admit he made a stupid decision,” she said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, he’s stubborn that way.”

In the end, Ursula decided that she was going to go to the going away party, but that she was going to show up on either the early side or the late one, where the crowd was likely to be smaller. I told her that once she figured out her timeframe, I’d make sure I was there so she’d have some lady reinforcements. When I got home, I called Ben.

“I talked to Mitchell,” he said. “He said he wasn’t really paying attention to the invite list, and didn’t mean to add Ursula.”

“Well, she’s going,” I said. “Do you believe Mitchell?”

“I think there was something subconscious going on there when he invited her.”

“Any word from the big boss lady?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Not yet. I checked in today, and she said she was still figuring things out on her end.”

To be honest, I was hoping to hear something along the lines of, “They said I’d have to be in North Carolina full-time, so I turned down the job, and then sent out 10 resumes for jobs here in the city.”

In a way, I think Ben’s being as stupid as Mitchell is. Neither one of them is looking at all of their options. They’re just gravitating toward the easy one that’s been offered to them. Mitchell doesn’t have to get back together with Ursula, but he doesn’t have to run halfway across the country and jump into a relationship with someone he barely knows, either. He could stay here, deal with his feelings, and maybe meet someone new when he’s ready. Ben, likewise, doesn’t have to settle for being miserable at his current job or take one in North Carolina. He can explore other possibilities, or even create new ones for himself.

I never realized how similar Ben and Mitchell were before. Here’s hoping Ben and I never have to deal with a real breakup, because I’m guessing it will be about as fun as Mitchell and Ursula’s has been.

Posted at 8:11 AM

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Other People's Drama

“So do I go?” Ursula asked.

No, you absolutely should not go, I thought.

“Do you want to go?” I asked.

“Yes and no,” she began. “I mean, he’s leaving. I want to see him before he goes. But on the other hand, I’m so angry that he’s leaving. He’s running off to Chicago to be with that annoying comic girl instead of staying here to work things out with me. The idea of going seems humiliating. But if I don’t go, than it seems like I’m too upset to handle it. I want to appear strong, even though I don’t feel that way right now. Maybe I should go with a date. Should I bring a date?”

No, you absolutely should not bring a date, I thought.

“It’s an option,” I said without any real conviction.

“No, that’s a bad option,” she said, making me breathe a sigh of relief. “K., I don’t want him to go.”

“I know,” I said gently. “If it makes you feel better, Ben really does think this is temporary insanity on Mitchell’s part, and that he’ll realize it once he gets out there and come back.”

“He’d stay out there and be miserable before he’d admit he made a stupid decision,” she said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, he’s stubborn that way.”

In the end, Ursula decided that she was going to go to the going away party, but that she was going to show up on either the early side or the late one, where the crowd was likely to be smaller. I told her that once she figured out her timeframe, I’d make sure I was there so she’d have some lady reinforcements. When I got home, I called Ben.

“I talked to Mitchell,” he said. “He said he wasn’t really paying attention to the invite list, and didn’t mean to add Ursula.”

“Well, she’s going,” I said. “Do you believe Mitchell?”

“I think there was something subconscious going on there when he invited her.”

“Any word from the big boss lady?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Not yet. I checked in today, and she said she was still figuring things out on her end.”

To be honest, I was hoping to hear something along the lines of, “They said I’d have to be in North Carolina full-time, so I turned down the job, and then sent out 10 resumes for jobs here in the city.”

In a way, I think Ben’s being as stupid as Mitchell is. Neither one of them is looking at all of their options. They’re just gravitating toward the easy one that’s been offered to them. Mitchell doesn’t have to get back together with Ursula, but he doesn’t have to run halfway across the country and jump into a relationship with someone he barely knows, either. He could stay here, deal with his feelings, and maybe meet someone new when he’s ready. Ben, likewise, doesn’t have to settle for being miserable at his current job or take one in North Carolina. He can explore other possibilities, or even create new ones for himself.

I never realized how similar Ben and Mitchell were before. Here’s hoping Ben and I never have to deal with a real breakup, because I’m guessing it will be about as fun as Mitchell and Ursula’s has been.

Posted at 8:11 AM

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