Hi I am here to get some help maybe if there is someone or maybe there is someone with a similar situation I could talk to.I guess I better start. It's about me and my friend let's call him K. .
Me and K. have known eachother since summer of 2005. It actually was an incidental meeting xD He and his family moved opposite to our house.
Me and my friends were playing soccer outside and I saw his sister, she was shy but not to me because I met her the day before and was playing a little bit with her. ( she was about 3 or 4 years old) She wanted to play with me again, we needed people to play anyway because a few weeks ago friends from us (they were brothers) moved away and the little girl with her family moved in.
My friends asked me to ask the little girl if her brothers would like to play with us, just for fun.
I did it, and after a while they came outside. One who was like 4 years older than me, another one who was probably 7 or 8 and K. who was a year older than me.
We played till lunchtime then everyone went home. Me and him were the first to return to play soccer again, so we sat down and started talking for about 20- 30 minutes.
After that he joined a sports club were I was and our friendship began.
Our friendship was differend than all my others, a good different I think xD
Except sometimes it was like a love and hate relationship. We went from talking and seeing eachother everyday for 4-5 months to not talking at all for 2 or 3 months. But neither of us knew the reasons at the end or we thought it was a stupid reason and it couldn't be it because it was a small one. We then forgot about it and acted like it never happened.
2009 he had to go to another school which is at the same street like ours but has another focus you could say...
Anyway in the same year I figured out that I am a Lesbian well I thought so. I never thought about any guy except him but back then I thought it was just a friends thing. ( Oh how wrong was I :D )
About 6 Months later I wasn't that sure anymore. I started to notice guys and slowly espacially K.
So I just called myself Bi. I couldn't tell anyone anyway because I live where people "hate" homosexual people. Sadly my brother found out, but that's another story.
In Apri or May '10 I started to talk to K. again because since he left we almost never did.
August I got to the same school he went we both are in 10th grade. He was supposed to be in grade 11 but he had to repeat the year.
On the first day he was showing me around and we spend the breaks together. (15min, 15min, and once a week + 45 min & we were waiting for the bus together)
When we were standing outside I asked him why we didn't talk last year. He said that he didn't want to be near me, I felt bad but he said he needed time to himself but he does not want to stop talking to me again because he missed me.
Later on we made promise to eachother to never go back to our old ways and just stop talking because we are friends and friends aren't weird to eachother. I know it was weird but we were children back then ( 16 and he 17).
It went really good till December 2010. I think it was the 17th when we were at school and our school had problems with the heater because of the cold and snow. At 10 am we were send home but the next bus would only drive home at 12.
So we went to his grandparents apartment. I met them before so it wasn't weird at all. But the thing is that everyone always thought we were a couple so did they. We spend about 40 min explaining that we aren't, when we finally did his aunt came by and it started all again xD
When we decided to go we said our goodbyes and his grandma said something like "I hope that you and your gf will visit soon again and stop lying about not beeing in love" oO
When we were walking I god alot of compliments and how I lost so much weight ( I was always thin but something happened that I gained aloot of weight. In about a month I lost 15 Kg (35lbs). And then again 4 kg ( 8.8lbs). But he liked me aswell back then.
December 19th we were texting and he asked me why we were just friends. I only replied with "what do you mean". And he said that he had feelings for me. I acted like I didn't because back then I tried to tell myself I didn't.
Reality was that I did have feelings. But:
-I was insecure about my body and cutting myself
-I wasn't sure about my sexuality BI or LESBIAN??? That's why I didn't want to hurt him I told myself because what would I do if I figure out I am gay. Or what if a girl comes around? He wouldn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to get hurt.
-Since I was insecure about myself I thought I didn't deserve him and I was never good enough
-Another reason or excuse for me was that I told myself "What if it was just a joke and he'd just play me because of these so called "friends" he had, who were mine aswell but we werent anymore
I had alot of them but sadly I did hurt him aswell as me but I would only feel how much later.
When I told K. that I only wanted to be friends he said it was fine and I was right because in a few months we would probably have an argument and not talk to eachother for a week or so.
After that night we stopt talking again, but that time I knew the reason. He needed time to himself. In April I felt the worst I had. Like I said I lost alot of weight back, but it was because I was starving and purging. Which I had stopped. I was fine even thought I had gained 6 Kg.
In April stopped labeling myself which was the good part. But the bad one was that I missed him too much and I figured I'd talk to him again and finally tell him.
I found out he was seeing someone and he was about to ask her to be his gf. So I didn't tell him. That night I started to purge and cut myself again. They were the deepest cuts I ever did :/
He tried to text me everyday after that or whenever I was on FaceBook. But I guess he figured out I wasn't much interested in talking to him because I only replied to every question with one or two words only. When the truth is I wanted nothing else as talking to him. But there was this girl I couldn't stop thinking about. The girl he was seeing at the time, she was beautiful, much more then I could ever be. I had no chance and I couldn't deal with it.
August was fine again. After and in school we made small talk and I found out that things with the girl didn't work out. I was ready to tell him. I was finally better than before. I had more self esteem, had a better relationship with food and wasn't cutting myself about 2months. I even told a friend of mine that I don't label myself and I am in love with him.
One day I wanted to ask him to maybe meet me on the weekend to hang out like we did before. But before I could even ask I read a status for everyone to see.
K. is in a relationship with " girls name "
I wished him good luck. That night I was crying the whole night, never falling asleep.
It was horrible and good at the same time.
Because whenever I logged in FB there were love- letters to eachother.
It broke me, but at the same time I was happy, happy because he found happyness. They even got engaged. But December 18th 2011 they broke up. One day and one year before we would have been toghter if I'd have said yes.
After that he completly changed.
He started seeing a couple of girls at the same time. Got more often drunk and things like that.
One thing before he changed was that he invited me to spend the New Year's with him. But I didn't because I remembered how we once did want to spend it together but didn't. That night when he didn't show up I was all alone.
But New Years I spend with my parents, his parents and little sister.
His mom said when we were alone that she'd wish us both happyness but sadly she could see that we weren't, then she said that, he was happy whenever he was spending time with me or he'd sit in his room she'd walk in and he'd close the page but most of the time she sees it was me he was texting.
But it was too late, he changed to much. I couldn't blame him. I was the only one who did make the biggest mistake of their life.
In March 2012 we were texting like all the time before even when he was with his girlfriend. It was the first time that we didn' stop talking after 4 Months or so. At that we laughed.
April or May he was complaining about missing a girlfriend. I asked him if I should help him with that, it was only a joke but he said yes. It hurt but I didn't let it show.
I suggested some, but he didn't like them. So I asked him what he'd look for in a girl.
I fiited everything. I texted back :" Well I don't smoke, I am shorter than you, I am not under 16, I am good at school and I am a half russian. But it's not what you're looking for, sooo"
He answerd " Why not?"
I wanted to write back "Because I love you and it'd scare you how much I do and I am Fat. I am and never will be good enough." But I only replied: " Because it'd be arrogant to say I am, myself"
He only said "If you think so. K"
I forgot to mention that he and I was driving together by car to school since February 2012.
We kept talking till June of this year normaly, but I didn't say I have feelings for him because he was seeing girls and I was still not that self-secure, because believe me those girls are beautiful.
We stopped talking because of exams but we still said hey to eachother. Then we started our summer jobs, whenever he was not working I was and when I was home he worked.
Now that School for me started we slowly talk again. He has to go to school once a week and sometimes twice. On these days we will be driving again together.
At this time he is seeing no one at least that's what he told me.
I am 18 now and he is 19. We still live in the same street. And at the moment we talk sometimes. But the reason I am insecure is about the girls who like him.( They are more beautiful than me)
That was my story for now.
I was wondering what you think.
Like do you think we have a chance? Should I tell him? If I do maybe you have some tips how? And maybe some Signals that I now that he still likes me as more than a friend? Is it selfish of me to think that after all he still likes me And gives me a chance?
What is more Important to you the looks and what friends say like "gosh shes's ugly or she's beautiful?" or personality?
I hope someone will actually answer me . But if not it is fine I guess because at least it felt good to write it all down.
Idunno (:
Don't crowdsource your love life. Trust your gut. Other people's opinions used to influence me to a fault. Then I started trusting myself.
Just kidding, but I'll do my best.