Boyfriend issues.. fantasy / online

Hey,

My boyfriend and I met almost a year ago on okcupid and after only speaking briefly decided to meet in person and totally hit it off. It's been a whirlwind, and it's been the best love I've ever been in. We have sooooo much fun together, and we love each other's families, etc. It's basically perfect.

We are different personality types (I am a capricorn and he is a cancer) so naturally he keeps a lot to himself. I have had a weird feeling though, since the beginning. I have really good intuition and I can sense things and since being together I have sensed he has had a hidden agenda online.

It's now at the point where I'd love to move forward with him
In the future but something is off.

He's sneaky about his phone and conversations and shares little with me in terms of sexual fantasy. I'm very open and sexual and I love porn so I'm always probing him to share more with me but he rarely does.

I definitely crossed the line, but I looked through his phone to find what kind of porn he likes so I could satisfy him to another level (valentines day is right around the corner). What i came across was shocking and it led me to look further and I'm scared of what I've discovered.

I looked in his history and found a ton of bbw porn. Which is cool, everyone has their thing. But I looked further and realized it's more like forums and stuff, which requires accounts, etc. I then looked at his skype which I've seen him use in the past and wondered why (all his friends live in the same city , etc) and there always seemed to be a lot of convos. But I brushed it off and figured maybe all his friends use it or something. I looked this morning, he is having weird sexual conversations with multiple people about food in a dirty sexual way. It's very confusing. He is having conversations with these girls about how sexy they look, requesting pics, asking them to talk dirty, etc. It makes me sad because he rarely says those things to me and I mean, I'm a decent looking young female with good style.

It's a sensitive topic and I didn't want to reach out to friends but I desperately need advice.

Do I confront him? What would I even say? What should I be feeling?

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Why Your 'Issues' Are Causing You To Make Bad Dating Decisions

He didn't want to be your boyfriend...but you persisted. Sometimes what makes a person feel attracted to another comes from a place of unresolved issues.

How can you tell if you're always falling for the wrong type of person? It's always feels right, after all. To start, ask yourself if you can relate to the following three statements.  

Repeatedly drawn to people who do not want to be in a relationship with you.Repeatedly in relationships that are dramatic and don't end the way you'd want them to.Repeatedly not developing feelings for people who treat you well.

If you are guilty of any of the above, your relationship choices are likely coming from unresolved personal issues.

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In my therapy practice, I've seen too many people in pain because a person they are convinced is right for them chooses not to be in a relationship with them. Usually these people tell me, "But this person feels so right for me. I can't imagine myself with anyone else! Is it possible for something that feels so right, to be wrong?”

The answer is yes. Sometimes what makes a person feel attracted to another comes from a place of unresolved issues. And when you're operating from a place of unresolved issues, it can actually be dangerous to trust your 'instincts'. Here are a few examples of repeatedly falling for the wrong person, even though it feels right. 

A woman who finds herself particularly attracted to angry men out of a desire to heal him with her love, something her mother was unsuccessful at with her angry father.A man who finds himself repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable women, trying to get the love from her he so desperately sought from his emotionally unavailable mother.A person who feels compelled to get the approval of someone who won't give it to them out of a need to validate their worthiness because of earlier experiences that made them feel unworthy.

These are just some examples of the many ways filling a need, re-enacting an old wound, or trying to right a wrong from the past subconsciously contributes to who people seek love from, and who they're not interested in for a relationship. Sometimes the very love or treatment they crave is available to them in the form of potential partners that come into their lives, but if they don't have to struggle for it, they may not recognize it because it does not feel familiar, and they may let it pass them by.

Even in a working, committed relationship some of the attraction is coming from a place of unresolved issues. The difference is that it's happening between two available, capable partners that are just as or nearly as interested in working through it. And that work can be very fulfilling and bring the couple to an even deeper level of love when it's mutual. But without a partner that's available and interested in the work, a person can end up repeatedly hurt or disappointed. The result is chasing after a relationship that they want but are not going to get and unavailable for the love they want, in relationships they can get.

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Commitment Issues & Men: Are You The Problem?

If all your boyfriends have had commitment issues, consider the common factor. Do you believe all men hate commitment? Discover why that's nothing but a myth.

"Men don't want commitment!"

I've heard this statement for years, and it typically comes from the mouth of a frustrated single woman. Now, if this notion is true, how do you explain all the guys in happily committed relationships?

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Meaningless stereotypes like this drive me crazy. In all of my years of experience as a dating expert, the only women I hear talk this kind of nonsense are women that have come from bad relationships. A man has broken their heart, and now she holds some kind of grudge against the entire male population.

Well, I have news for these women. Not all men are the same. You can't say that all men don't want commitment, any more than you can assume all women are marriage-crazy. There are plenty of guys who want to commit. I have thousands of male clients desperate to find a special woman to fall in love with. They want a deep, special connection with someone, and they want to settle down. So not only is the phrase "men don't want commitment" wrong, there are tons of guys who do!

Here's what I've found in my years as a dating coach: The women who talk about guys in this way tend to have the same type of relationship over and over again. They're stuck in a routine of falling for the wrong kind of men, and end up disappointed time and time again. If you consistently choose a type of man who doesn't want to commit, well, you'll never be surprised by one who does.

Life is all about learning from our experiences. If you've had a bad relationship in the past, look at what you learned about yourself from it. Figure out what mistakes (if any) you made, and use those disappointments to get clear on what you really want from a man.

Sure, some men won't commit. When I was in my 20s I wouldn't have dreamed of settling with one woman. I was playing the field and having a great time. The thing is, years later, those experiences helped me discover what sort of woman I wanted to commit to, when I finally felt ready. So, knowing that some guys out there aren't ready — how do you avoid a guy who doesn't want to commit?

When you start dating someone, find out exactly where they are on their dating journey. Have they recently left a relationship and want to have some fun? Are they just playing the field? Or do they want to meet that special someone for life? Once you know the answer, you MUST respect whatever path this person is on. There's no point trying to change a man who tells you he won't commit. You wouldn't want him to try and question your goals, would you? Maybe he'll change in time, but forcing the issue is going to push him away.

Remember, who you date is YOUR responsibility. If you only ever go out with players, you must expect them to hurt you. If you only date quiet, passive men, you're always going to have to be the one who takes the lead.

Successful dating is all about taking responsibility. If you don't like the way your relationships end up, alter the kind of guys you date. Figure out what you want from a man and look for ones with those characteristics.

There's no use blaming the whole of mankind because you've had a bad experience in the past. It makes you look and sound bitter, and trust me ladies, that isn't attractive!

For more dating advice for women CLICK HERE to visit David's website.

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This girl has some strange issues..

Afternoon/Evening,

I've posted here before but I didn't get much help. It's regarding this girl who I've somewhat been involved with for about 8 months now. I know her unlike anyone else. We are really close and we know almost everything about each other. She does find me sexually attractive and we have done stuff. But I have never got her to actually commit to a true relationship with me.

Before we start, I know what her problem is; she has attachment issues with her ex boyfriends. She can't let them go. And because I've never been her BF I can't fall under that category I suppose. Although she can't let me go either. But because she can't let go of the past, it makes it hard for her to start something new with someone she's been involved with before. if that makes any sense. I'm the old/new guy... If that made it any easier.

I guess I'm a nice guy. I'm not proud nor unhappy about it, because I am who I am. I'm not into the games and bullshit just to get a girl in the sack for the night or even a little fling. I treat girls with respect. I flirt with them, and mess with them in the fun way. I do not get clingy. When something doesn't go my way, I don't ***** and whine about it. I'm just a calm, nice, fun guy.

I just got out of a relationship with another girl. And she just got out of a relationship with another guy. I know your instantly thinking "rebound"... No, that isn't the case. And no, I have not gotten friend zoned either. I keep control over what goes on, and I come off as a mystery to her. Anyways, her bf was being weird and drama filled. So she asked me for advice. I told her that she needs to ask herself; is this relationship going to help her in the long run. we talked all that night and next day and that next day she broke up with him. We talked on and off for a week or so, until she told me she's starting to feel it all again. I told her I was too. A few days go by and she fell asleep before she read one of my texts so I text her the next evening. I wanted to know if I was just a Plan B all along for her or if she really feels something for me.

So, I ask her. She tells me I have never been a Plan B for her sake. She told me She felt more for me than any other guy. The times before she missed her ex. Not that she knew it would help her in the long run. But only because she missed it an knew she could be "short term happy". She's missed me as well. She wants us to work out, she just doesn't know. Which has always been a red flag for me. She's going to therapy now and she want's to be able to sort through all her feelings.

So I determined: she is into me, likes me, will always have feelings for me, and wants us to work out. But, she wants to keep texting; which I take to be "on talking terms" I am asking what do I do now? I just told her we need to give it time so we can figure things out. So now no contact has been set in place personally by me. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

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