Put your wallet away, girl. Paying is HIS job. Men and women tend to have different perspectives when it comes to love and dating. If you want to know both sides, you've come to the right place. Laurel House (She Said) is a "Screwing The Rules" international Dating Coach and Flirting Expert, and Steve Hansen (He Said) is a Wing Man and Perspective Expert and we are your new go-tos for all things dating, sex, and relationships.
The question today is: who pays on the first date?
She Said
He does. Period. Friends go dutch. Business associates go dutch. Dates don't. What do you want? A friend? A business partner? A job? Or a boyfriend that might lead to a husband? Ladies… never put your credit card down, do the fake reach, or even offer to pay on a date again. I don't care if you’re wealthier, uglier, fatter, less popular, more pathetic, or luckier (to be out with him than he is with you). You are the woman. Your presence and radiance is payment enough on that first date. In fact, it's payment enough on the first several dates (if not all dates). The act of pulling out a credit card or cash from your wallet at the dinner table is a masculine act and it is not for a feminine woman to do.
The bottom line: Paying = providing (masculine). Cooking/gifting = nurturing (feminine).
You can pay in other ways on other dates. You can be responsible for atypical dates — like cooking dinner and buying the ingredients, which is also a serious turn on as it shows that you are a nurturer. Have a special something arranged, like schedule a couples massage at a fancy hotel, a cocktail making class, or arrange an activity like a picnic with wine and an amazing cheese assortment that you pick up from a specialty grocery store.
Now, I'm not saying to go on that date and be a bitch, act entitled, or be dismissive. No. Be sweet, interesting (contribute to the conversation), interested (in what he has to say), effervescent, sassy — whatever you are… be you. But be a confident you. Be your best you.
Now, to clarify, just because he is paying, doesn't mean that you are not a strong, self-sufficient, independent woman. This isn't about independence. It isn't about your ability to buy your own dinner and pay your own way. It's about chivalry.
Another clarification: just because he is paying doesn't mean that you owe him anything after.
The net? Let the man be the man, and the woman be the woman.
He Said
I used to pay for everything when I went on dates without question. No matter where we went or what we did my credit card was out and as I understood it was my duty as a man to pay for the date. As time passed slowly but surely I found myself heartbroken, time and time again, and eventually I became so frustrated that I refused to pay for another first date. Not only was I sick of being heartbroken but I was sick of paying for it. I put up a wall and if a girl seemed interested, I offered a compromise, she would pay for the first date and I would cover the next one. I never felt one hundred percent ok with it, but it was fun and I felt original because I was pretty sure not many guys were bold enough to make the attempt. Although my perhaps questionable tactics worked and I went on lots of dates, they were never with the same person.
It was a great philosophy in theory, just not the best recipe for finding the love of your life. Since then, I have broken through that mental block and have began paying again and doing so proudly.
Guys, in the grand scheme of things, paying for dinner is really just another drop in the well. When you begin dating the right girl, she'll likely do a ton of thoughtful things that may not have been worked into the equation. I know cooking a meal at home can still be expensive, so can a bottle of wine, a case of decent beer, or any of the other amazing surprises women do for us when we're in a committed relationship. If you're at all skeptical about the date and you feel as though it's not worth picking up the tab, maybe a dinner date isn't the right choice, and an evening of drinks and a romantic walk and talk through the park would be a better fit.
Consider dinner an investment. An investment in finding the potential love of your life. Once you find the right one it will have all been worth it and you'll appreciate her that much more in the end.
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Another unromantic date night. A breakup is imminent if you don't correct these issues in your relationship!