A little back story - my boyfriend (24) and i (24) have been dating for almost a year and a half. We had a great start, a rocky middle, and were doing wonderfully until a few days ago. I came across an old phone he was using around the mid point in our relationship. I was curious and I snooped (which I know is wrong). I found texts from a girl who lives in a city about 6 hours away that were inappropriate.His phone automatically deletes old texts so I didn't get the whole conversation. But it was January this year and they were having a regular conversation that turned very flirty. (ex: come lay in bed with me, when she said she was going on a run he replied "run your sexy ass over here"). Then he asked her to send him a picture with panties on. She did, it wasn't a very graphic picture, everything was covered. The conversation turned into talking about investing money and then he stopped responding to her texts in general. She texted him a handful of times since and he hasnt responded. I looked in his gallery and found another picture (of her stomach and the top of her underwear, everything covered for the most part) from a week before the first picture. So clearly this happened twice.
I also found a text from a girl who is now seriously dating one of our friends. One night in february, we had our first fight at the bar and I left. She sent him a text at 3 AM thanking him for walking her halfway home. He responded saying he wished her route had been different. She seemed confused and asked what he meant, he said a route including him. The texts pretty much stopped there and I feel confident knowing he didnt actually make a move on her considering she was confused what he was talking about.
I called him out on this and he admitted everything. He said he never physically cheated on me and these were the only incidents. He was extremely sorry and said he stopped all of that and hasnt done anything since. His explanation was basically he didnt want to make an excuse, he knew it was wrong and inexcusable. Basically he just explained his state of mind at the time and his emotions.
He said he was basically freaked out that this was his first serious relationship. We had been doing so well at the beginning and he thought of me as someone he could marry. When things started to not go well, he got confused. He still knew he loved me but was afraid to settle down when we werent actually doing well. He felt awful after the texting with the first girl and he stopped speaking to her. The second girl he said he was so drunk he doesnt even remember sending that text (which isn't an excuse, just he couldnt tell me his state of mind or why).
He basically told me that he knew after he saw the texts with the second girl that he needed to step up and make the decision that I was the one and he was committed. I have seen such a change in his overall behavior since that time period and our relationship has been going so well since. I've glanced through his new phone before and never seen anything questionable. He's told me since then I can look at his phone whenever I want. I dont want this for our relationship at all, I want to trust him enough not to look through his things.
Sorry this is so long. I am having a really hard time getting over this (granted its only been a few days). I just need some advice - anyone think I'm dumb to try and trust him?
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Should I trust him?
Thursday, March 6, 2014
No Trust
I'm going to keep this short for the sake of everyone reading my post.I dated my now gf for 2 years. Within the first year of being a couple we moved in together and at first everything was great. After the second year we started fighting about everything. Then I started noticing that she started accusing me of cheating when I wasn't. I will acknowledge that I wasn't perfect and I did treat her coldly at times, but I never cheated. Again I'm not perfect in no way shape or form. Continuing on, so then after the second year while we were still together she started having an emotional affair with another guy behind my back (from what I've told be her, I really don't know the full truth). I started noticing the changes in her behavior and I approached her and she kept on lying about it. Then one day after I was fed up with all the lies I approached her about how I felt and she broke up with me and told me that on the way out of our place that she wanted to fix things she just needed time.
As we were still broken up we still talked, but I sensed that there was another man in her life. Then one day I broke down in tears in the car right in front of her and when she saw my tears she decided that she wanted to get back together with me and I agreed. I really did miss her and I realized how important she was to me after she left. My life was not the same. After I apologized for how I treated her during the second year of the relationship she then admitted to me that she had an emotional affair with another man while we were together and that she slept with him right after we broke up. I was enraged when I found this out and I screamed like a banshee. After I calmed down and she cried and apologized for what she did, she called the other man and broke it off and told him to never call her again.
She never did talk to the other guy again and I know this because ever since we have gotten back together I have become Mr. FBI. I mean I should work for the government, that's how good I've become. Even though I haven't found any other sufficient evidence to rightfully find her guilty of cheating on me again, in my mind I still believe that she is talking to other people behind my back. My mind keeps on telling me that there is something going on, but I just haven't found the evidence yet.
What can I do to repair my broken trust for her? I truly do love her with all my heart, but a relationship without trust is not a relationship.
Last edited by silencer230; 03-04-2014 at 05:50 AM.(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});
Tell her she needs to earn your trust again.There's nothing you can do. She's the one who has to put in some effort and make you realise she's completely trustworthy now, and you need to let her know that you don't trust her anymore so she becomes aware that she needs to earn your trust back (or the two of you can't be in a strong relationship together).
If you find there's nothing she can do then maybe it's not possible for you to ever learn to trust her again. It's sad when this happens, but you either put the past in the past and just trust her or you walk away.
Trust is the most important things in relationship, so if you lost trust on her so tell her that you are not ready now and also tell her she has to earn your trust. till that time you can be a friend with her, because of that you also find out that she is really interested in you or not..
Here's your problem.Yes you were hurt by her cheating and yes she needs to make an effort to win your trust again.
BUT the problem is with YOU. You say you want to trust her again but here you are claiming to be an FBI and checking up on her. That doesn't help you get over the cheating NOR does it help you start rebuilding trust. I would bet that every time you snooped on her and didn't find anything, you got even more paranoid because you KNOW that she's doing "something" or talking to "someone" behind your back.
Trust me, when your partner cheats on you and you can't trust them, it's extremely difficult to get that trust back. All of your actions lately proves that you cannot trust her. NO matter what she does or how faithful she'll be to you, your hear and mind is filled with doubt, fear, insecurity, regret, and anger. She can be an angel from this point on but you won't believe it until one of two things happen:
1. You stop snooping and give her unconditional trust.
or
2. You break up and don't have to deal with her anymore.Now the question falls back on you. What are you willing to do?
-Alex
If there's no trust, I see no point. No matter how you want that trust back, if you just can't see it, honestly, there is absolutely no point because relationships are built on trust.
You should give her another chance. I she is important to you and you love her very much, then just self control yourself and don`t let fear and paranoia ruin it all. People make mistakes, she probably regretted what she did a lot. Just try to erase the past in your mind and see where your relationship with her will go. And if she cheats on you again in the future, then you will know what to do.You may not create new Love Advice Forum threadsYou may not post repliesYou may not post attachmentsYou may not edit your postsForum Rules
Saturday, August 24, 2013
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