'The Secret' To The Law Of Attraction? It's A Bunch Of B.S.

It's gonna take a little more effort than that, honey. Blaming yourself for not thinking the right thoughts invites stress and self-doubt—not love.

It's been seven years since the publication of the wildly popular self-help book The Secret, which was featured on Oprah twice and has sold almost 20 million copies (yes, in that order). The principle at the book's core—the Law of Attraction—still holds many under its Vulcan mind-meld grip, despite the take-downs, harsh criticism, and parodies. (On that note, please watch this interview with Barbara Ehrenreich on The Daily Show—it's so worth it.)

I can see why: Who wouldn't want to believe that all you have to do is think the right thoughts and the love (or car, or job, or money) of your dreams will find you?

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The Secret, written by Rhonda Byrne and published in 2006, featured a cadre of "new thought" leaders (including James Ray, who not long after The Secret was published, was found guilty of negligent homicide in the deaths of three people who participated in his insane sweat lodge exercise). Citing quantum physics and the ubiquitous Law of Attraction, these experts teach that like attracts like, and that your thoughts function as cosmic magnets that draw toward you whatever you project.

Think good thoughts, get good things. Think bad thoughts, get what you deserve.

But let's take a look at how key premises of the Law of Attraction can do you more harm than good in the search for love and partnership.

1. If you want to meet a man, make room for his imaginary car in your garage.
A woman featured in The Secret swears that the reason she hadn't met someone special yet was because she was taking up all the room in her garage and sleeping in the middle of the bed. Once she cleared up the garage to make room for her fantasy man's imaginary Honda Prius and started keeping to her side of the bed,  what do you know? He appeared!

Correction: Make room in your life for someone special.
Look, if you like sleeping in the middle of your bed, by all means. My god. It's your bed. Sleep the way you want. As for the garage theory, sure, it is a good idea to make room in your life for another person. And while that may warrant a huge de-cluttering, it could just mean purging your ex's stuff. But that's just one aspect. You should also clear room in your schedule—to go on dates, to go out with friends, to accept invites to dinners rather than justifying another night in and wait for someone to stroll in and occupy the space you've cleared for him.

2. You make bad things happen by thinking them.
Rhonda Byrne says that your thoughts don't just control your life, but the world around you. You create the world with your thoughts.

Did you catch that? You can control the universe with your mind! This is also widely known as delusion.

And this is also where The Secret and I part ways. This is the ultimate sucker punch of the Law of Attraction, because it essentially shifts the blame of misfortune to you. Car accident? Your fault. Cancer? You manifested it, whether you like it or not. 

According to the Law of Attraction, you are a powerful transmission tower, emitting frequencies out into the universe more powerfully than any manmade machine. It's as if every fearful or worried thought was a draft of an email in your mind that you never intended for anyone to see, but—surprise!—the Law of Attraction hit "send" and now it's out there!

Correction: Stop writing bad endings for yourself.
You don't control the world with your thoughts—but you do control your actions with them. And if you think, and thus act, as if nothing and no one good is coming your way, it can be hard to stay open to possibility. I don't think you're magically manifesting lousy boyfriends, but you may be saying "yes" to men with the expectation that they will suck, because you already know they do. And voila! You aren't psychic. But you are intuitive, and you're right.

Changing the way you approach people, situations, and pretty much every interaction you have with another human can and will affect the outcome. So rather than assume the worst, or blame your errant thoughts for creating karmic shifts, be aware of the thought patterns that keep you stuck. You don't have to avoid all negative thoughts (good luck with that), but you must look at them with curiosity and compassion so that you can begin to shift your behavior in the world—and the way people respond to you. 

3. You're not manifesting hard enough.
Some women believe they're just 10 pounds shy of being able to meet the right guy. If I were just thinner, taller, smarter, funnier, they think, love would be mine. Of course, you and I know love is not a beauty pageant or a talent contest.

But even if you have come to terms with who you are and how you look (no small feat, to be sure), you can start to wonder, Well, if nothing’s 'wrong' with me, then why aren't I in love/coupled/married by now? That's when it's easy to fall prey to the lure of magical thinking—essentially, that it's your fault for not thinking hard enough or wanting it bad enough.

Wrong.

Let's get one thing straight: You are not alone/uncoupled/sans husband because you didn't visualize correctly or because you've acted as if you've already received the thing you want. Blaming yourself for not thinking the right thoughts compounds stress and self-doubt, and is no better than castigating yourself for not being the right weight.

Correction: Thoughts are nothing without action.

I knew a woman years ago who wanted a partner desperately. She spent a good chunk of time visualizing him: what he would look like, sound like, be like. She had a version of this perfect partner fully crafted in her mind, down to the fact that he loved Eggs Benedict, owned a cat and subscribed to Rolling Stone magazine.

Then one day, she met him. Or someone very similar (turns out he's allergic to eggs and subscribes to the New Yorker, but close enough). She fell instantly in love. She believes, in some ways, that those focused hours of thought created a psychic current that drew him directly to her.

No, they didn't. She put a profile on JDate.

In other words, you and I both know that thoughts devoid of action are nothing but whims. Your thoughts are the first step; ask any cognitive behavioral therapist. But while thoughts lay the groundwork, they cannot do the work for you. You have to go out and do a thing. That's a crucial part of the equation that many people who lean on The Law Of Attraction miss entirely.

This isn't about what the Universe wants. It's about what you want. Sorry, the world does not work by remote control. And those who tell you that all you need are positive thoughts are lazy and risk-averse. (Read my rant on how fate is not your friend.)

Here's where motivation guru Lisa Nichols makes good sense: "Your ability to generate feelings of love is unlimited...love everything you can. Love everyone you can. Focus only on things you love, feel love, and you will experience that love and joy coming back to you."

This I do believe in: That you must love to be loved. And love isn't a happy thought; it's an action, an effort. If you dream of love but act out of fear, you're not going to find what you want. Except you don't need a quantum physicist to tell you that.

What do you think of The Law Of Attraction? Sound off in the comments!

Terri Trespicio is a lifestyle expert, writer, and coach in New York City. Visit her at territrespicio.com and on Twitter @TerriT.

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Untangling The Sticky Science Of Dating And Physical Attraction

Just not feelin' it? Try talking to him! Men dismiss women based on looks all the time. Is it OK for the ladies to do the same?

Let's talk about attraction — that illusive chemistry thing. If your dating life isn't going the way you'd like, it's time to chat about this pesky little subject. One of the biggest dating mistakes I'm seeing at my website, www.JulieFerman.com, is that today's modern-day woman often dismisses a guy too soon, before she knows enough about him to make a smart decision about his date-worthiness.

Many women veto a man because he's not her physical "type" — oh my, these women are sabotaging themselves without even knowing it. Don't be that girl. I've been interviewing, coaching and matchmaking with male and female clients for over 20 years, and I've found the very biggest distinction between men and women with regard to dating is that we girls can and do develop romantic attraction over time. Men? Not so much, sadly. It's harder for men to break past physical barriers, but women are much more able.

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I ask this question to each single person I interview:

"Have you ever met someone whom you didn't find attractive initially, but then later, over time, as you really got to know that person you found that you did develop "the hots" for this person?"

Well, women have responded yes to that question around 85 percent of the time. But the men I've interviewed? Sadly, less than 5 percent of them have said yes.

Is this fair? Is this right? Well, maybe not, but it's just the way it is. It's not that men are shallow or superficial; it's really just a matter of biology. If a guy isn't attracted to a woman, he simply can't respond. His equipment just doesn't work. And um, we like their equipment, don't we?

I have a gentleman client at www.JulieFerman.com who's super cute and fit — essentially, your basic "It Guy." And yet he's only attracted to very slender Asian women. No other type of woman can get a chance with him. Another of my personal matchmaking clients is a guy who likes Kardashian curves and he just can't seem to develop attraction with a woman who's a hard-body runner type.

The smart way for women to date is to really consider the men who are attracted to you, rather than pining away for or chasing after the guy who catches your eye.

If you're doing online dating, you simply must post two key photos: a clear, current, happy-looking face shot, and you absolutely, positively need to also post a body shot. An up-to-date version of your bod (not in a bikini!) because you want to show off who you are.

The men who reach out to you? You've got a shot at them, so give them a chance. If the men you're attracted to aren't responding to you, then you're barking up the wrong tree, be it online or in real life. What about that guy who's hot for you but is not quite on target for you in terms of physicality? Go on a date with him. If he meets your top three critical criteria, give him a second date. If he is interested and attracted and pursuing you, give him a third date. If there's just no magic for you after three dates, it's OK to let him go at that point. Keep him as a friend, though, if you can.

So many men make the mistake of dismissing someone before they get to know them. Don't make that same error.

To be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals, be sure to register privately with me at www.JulieFerman.com

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How To Use The Law Of Attraction To Find Your Soulmate [EXPERT]

ProConnect Subscribe to Experts Blog By Nanice Ellis. Posted on Apr 8th 2013.

Love yourself and others will be attracted to you! Follow the law of attraction and find the love of your life!

The law of attraction is the belief that "like attracts like" and that by focusing on positive thoughts, we can bring about positive results. By understanding and following this simple rule, you will be empowered to attract a lifelong partner. There is nothing you cannot be, do or have when you know how to activate and use this unlimited power that lies within you. Here are 10 ways to use the law of attraction to find and keep your soulmate.

1. Be positively clear about what you want in a mate. Each "failed" relationship has given you clues about what you want in your ideal partner. The problem is many women and men focus on the negative instead of the positve. For example, by saying that you don't want a man who "puts his work before the relationship" you are focusing on a man who puts work before love and that is the desire you are unconsciously sending out through your energy.

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The good news is, if you know what you don't want, you know what you do want. Your power to create lies in your ability to choose thoughts that are positively clear, so that you can tell the universe exactly what you desire. ("I want a man who puts me first and loves me unconditionally.") You can tell if your affirmation is positive or negative by the way it makes you feel. If it makes you feel great, it is positive. If it makes you feel bad, it is negative. It's that simple! If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, simply turn them around and start focusing on the positive. You will immediately feel better and you will be in alignment with love.

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2. Continue to dream it. If you are ready for love, one of the best things you can do is get lost in day dreaming about your perfect mate. As you imagine your ideal partner, the universe receives these images as indicators of what to create in your life. In your imagination, you can create and improve on your desired relationship it until it meets your highest ideal. Once you have that ideal image in your mind, replay it over and over until one day soon you will find yourself actually living it. The power of your imagination is unstoppable and can transform your love life. Keep reading ...

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On the way home from power yoga, there was a man with a sign, asking for monetary help. Whenever I see someone asking for money, I always give. The giving is not out of sympathy or feeling sorry for the person. I see everyone equally powerful and entitled to  their own individual expression.  If I come across someone seeking help, that means that that ... Read moreBy Nanice Ellis

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How To Use The Law Of Attraction To Find Your Soulmate [EXPERT]

Love yourself and others will be attracted to you! Follow the law of attraction and find the love of your life!

The law of attraction is the belief that "like attracts like" and that by focusing on positive thoughts, we can bring about positive results. By understanding and following this simple rule, you will be empowered to attract a lifelong partner. There is nothing you cannot be, do or have when you know how to activate and use this unlimited power that lies within you. Here are 10 ways to use the law of attraction to find and keep your soulmate.

1. Be positively clear about what you want in a mate. Each "failed" relationship has given you clues about what you want in your ideal partner. The problem is many women and men focus on the negative instead of the positve. For example, by saying that you don't want a man who "puts his work before the relationship" you are focusing on a man who puts work before love and that is the desire you are unconsciously sending out through your energy.

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The good news is, if you know what you don't want, you know what you do want. Your power to create lies in your ability to choose thoughts that are positively clear, so that you can tell the universe exactly what you desire. ("I want a man who puts me first and loves me unconditionally.") You can tell if your affirmation is positive or negative by the way it makes you feel. If it makes you feel great, it is positive. If it makes you feel bad, it is negative. It's that simple! If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, simply turn them around and start focusing on the positive. You will immediately feel better and you will be in alignment with love.

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2. Continue to dream it. If you are ready for love, one of the best things you can do is get lost in day dreaming about your perfect mate. As you imagine your ideal partner, the universe receives these images as indicators of what to create in your life. In your imagination, you can create and improve on your desired relationship it until it meets your highest ideal. Once you have that ideal image in your mind, replay it over and over until one day soon you will find yourself actually living it. The power of your imagination is unstoppable and can transform your love life. Keep reading ...

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http://www.nanice.com/
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Specialties: Empowering Women, Life Transitions, Self-Esteem, Spiritual

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How important is physical attraction

TL;DR

I'm currently friends with a sweet, emotionally supportive guy who I may want to date. We connect emotionally and mentally, but I'm not physically attracted to him and I felt that something was missing the second time we went on a platonic outing/unofficial date. Since I have no experience with dating, and I'm aware that attraction is complex and different for different people, I want to know if I should take a chance and attempt a relationship with a great guy who I know wants to bond with me romantically. Keep in mind that the prospect of being in a relationship terrifies me now that I'm actually close to having one for the first time. I'm terrified to the point where I'm over-thinking and over-analyzing the impact that a relationship could have on me as well as my life. I don't want to end up break this guy's heart because I made the mistake of getting into a relationship with someone that I'm not fully attracted to. It would hurt both of us. I'd prefer to tell him that I want to remain friends. At least that way he wouldn't have experienced a close romantic bond with me prior to the "rejection."

Note: My heart has skipped a beat on two separate occasions when I've been around him. I don't know if this is a sign that I'm becoming more attracted to his looks even though I'm not attracted to a few aspects of his physical appearance. I can also see myself being happy with him because he is so supportive, but I still feel like something is missing.

Last semester a guy in one of my college/university classes asked me out to a movie. I've never been good at breaking hearts so I told him "sure" when I really meant no. He said he would get back to me about when he would be off of work, but weeks passed and he never did. Keep in mind that later on the day that he asked me out, I texted him and told him that I would prefer to keep the outing platonic because school was keeping me busy and I didn't want to throw dating into the mix. He said he understood and seemed cool with it.

During the weeks where he didn't contact me outside of school or class, I steadily became more attracted to his personality when we talked and hung out at school. One day as he was about to leave school, I asked him why he never got back in touch with me. He said that he hadn't because he hadn't been sure that I wanted to see a movie with him. Obviously he heard the "no" in my voice even though I said "sure." I told him that I was interested and after dealing with a bunch of scheduling conflicts on both ends, we finally saw a movie together in November. The date didn't end with a kiss just a friendly hug and he made no moves during the "date" or platonic outing because he already knew of my reservations about dating and relationships.

During the time that we spent together on our platonic outing/seeing the movie, I felt a real connection between us. I really enjoyed conversing and laughing with this guy. I saw potential, but decided that I wanted to spend some more time with him outside of school before making a decision. The two of us also went out to dinner in December after establishing that we liked each other and I felt very underwhelmed with the experience for some reason. I felt bored and didn't think we connected as much as we had the previous time. It felt like something was missing, but that might have been due to the fact that I was dealing with allergy problems at the time. I don't know.

The biggest problem that I've been experiencing since November is that I don't feel physically attracted to this guy. The first time I saw him in class last semester, I didn't have a physical reaction (i.e. my heart skipping a beat) and I didn't think to myself, "Oooh! What a hottie!" Even when we talked in class prior to when he asked me out, I saw him as the type of person who would be a friend and nothing more. I'm just not attracted to his looks outside of liking his smile. In fact, some aspects of his appearance turn me off. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth.

The thing that has made things even more complicated is that I can't get him off my mind and my heart has skipped a beat a couple of times when I've seen him after developing an emotional/mental attraction to him. He was also incredibly sweet and emotionally supportive when I needed it at the end of last semester. Having no dating experience, I've never pictured my first relationship being with someone who looks the way that he does. I've always imagined my first boyfriend as someone who had it all: they would be sweet, understanding, could support me emotionally, would want to be in a relationship with me, and they could make my heart skip a beat whenever I looked at them instead of just on one or two occasions.

Any help or advice would be appreciated! I'm already terrified at the prospect of heartbreak in a first relationship as well as the way a relationship would change and impact my life. The fact that he's holding out/patiently waiting for me isn't helping. I should make a decision sooner rather than later so he doesn't have to keep holding out for me. I'm not anxious at the prospect of telling him that I'd prefer to remain friends since I'll be rejecting him, but it looks like that might have to happen because I feel like something is missing from my attraction to him.

Last edited by brighterthansunshine; Yesterday at 09:13 AM.

Hmm, I think he is confused. You seem to be sending him mixed signals. No one wants to feel that they are second choice or a pity date. Attraction is not the only component o a relationship. If you are interested go with it. However don't just keep wasting his time. However I read your post and it sounds like you are liking the prospect of having someone to date and not so much this guy. You can't really force it. He can probably sense it too. There will be other people. It sounds like you should wait for someone you really want and not just someone who has shown interest.

The two outings that we went on were platonic, not romantic. I drew that line with him from the start and made it clear that I was hesitant about dating and/or entering a relationship with him. He currently thinks that I like him because it has honestly taken me a while to come to the realization that my lack of physical attraction to him is my biggest reason for backing away. So, it's currently my job to tell him that I would prefer to remain friends. That way I'm not wasting his time like you said or making him wait.

I agree that I should wait for someone that I want as opposed to someone who has merely shown interest. This is only the second guy that has shown romantic interest in me so far. In both situations it has been difficult for me to step back from feeling flattered and happy and realize that I don't return the interest. I almost feel bad upon realizing that the interest isn't mutual. :/ It's because I really don't enjoy being a heartbreaker. It's not fun to do, but it's necessary.

Last edited by brighterthansunshine; Today at 08:56 AM.

In the beginning, physical attraction isn't important at all. In fact, if I were you, I'd definitely go for it with this guy! He seems to be extremely tuned in to your needs and tries hard to make you comfortable by being careful about your reservations. He wants more, but he's willing to step back and not pursue anything unless you are comfortable with it. Also, from what I read, the two of you enjoy a close and wonderful friendship. That's one thing that can actually be vital in a relationship. The two of you are comfortable around each other, and you have the foundations of a friendship that could lead to a strong romantic relationship.

If you do decide that you want to try a relationship with him (which I would suggest, since you two seem compatible and have a great friendship foundation) I would ease into it slowly, just to make sure that you don't get in over your head and get overwhelmed. Maybe sit down and talk to him - tell him that you're not completely sure of your feelings yet, but that you know that you care about him and feel a close connection to him, and that you'd like to try a relationship.

As for physical attraction - if you start to develop feelings for him, that will come as well. I've dated guys who weren't considered attractive, because I enjoyed their personality. As time went on, and we got to know each other, they started looking better and better!

In the end though, I won't sugarcoat it - if you do try for a relationship, the friendship will change. If you guys do end up working out - that's a good thing, because now you'll move from being close friends to lovers. But if you end up breaking up, it may be a bit awkward and hard to get things back to the way they were. I'm not saying it will be impossible, but you want to keep that in mind. It is a risk...but sometimes taking a risk is worth the reward you'll get at the end.

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