Should A Guy Thank A Date For Having Sex?

What do women really want after having sex in a dating relationship? Do this before your next date.

Dating question for Hadley:

For 6 Friday nights in a row, I’ve been dating a woman I met online. Last Friday we had sex for the first time, and it was hot. On Thursday, I called her for a date on Saturday, thinking she’d be happy to be upgraded from Friday to Saturday night. But she was upset that I didn’t send her flowers or call her the day after we had sex.

I told her I already bought her 6 dinners and movies, and I gave her two orgasms in one night. “Don’t be greedy,” I said, half-joking. Then she hung up on me. Is a guy supposed to send flowers or say thanks for having sex with a woman you’re already treating to expensive dates?

Dating answer from Hadley:

Treating a woman to 6 dinners and movies is a generous, thoughtful expression of your interest in her, but it does not create a debt that she repays by having sex with you. You’ve just discovered that paying for dates and having hot sex wasn’t enough to win the heart of this woman, after she hung up on you without agreeing to see you again. If you don’t like these results, I suggest you do something new to get the results you want.

How do you decide on a new, improved dating strategy?

First, decide what you want from dating, and then take new action steps to get it.

If you’re dating to find a sex partner and behave in ways that don’t satisfy her emotional needs, then you don’t need to express your appreciation for anything your date does, including having sex. You don’t need to do what a woman wants to make her feel special. You won’t stop dead-end dating, until you decide you want to give and receive more in a dating relationship.

If you’re dating to find love and get the passionate intimacy and undying devotion you deserve in a relationship, then I suggest that you start using the dating and love habits of happy couples, who make your partner feel special, cherished and appreciated every day. How do you start?

You start speaking your date’s love language, which means showing your affection and appreciation in ways that help them feel loved, lovable and more loving to you. How do you identify someone’s love language?

In your dating scenario, you didn’t have to guess or even ask your date, because she actually told you how to speak her love language, by sending flowers and calling to show how much you appreciate being with her. She told you this was important to her, especially after you’ve deepened your dating relationship through sexual intimacy.

What did you do that backfired?

Instead of speaking her love language, you rejected her request. You showed her you’re not willing to do the simple things she needs to feel special, cherished and appreciated, so she disconnected from you. Her action deserves respect, since she was protecting her best interests and well being by moving on to meet a more compatible match who will love her the way she desires and deserves.

Have you ruined your chances with this woman?

Yes, if you’re not willing to speak her love language.

Does she mean enough to you to ask for another chance?

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Thank You for Being a Friend

Aside from the whole money thing, having an entire week off makes me long for my unemployed days, when I could sleep in, not shower if I didn’t feel like it, work out in an empty gym and complete errands without waiting in long lines. This time around, I have the added benefit of having Jenna around.

As far as the apartment goes, Jenna isn’t super in love with it, but she’s not in a hurry to find another one just yet, either. Basically, she said, “It’ll do. Thanks for your help.” Today, we went to a morning yoga class, followed by breakfast.

“I think Ben’s going to propose,” she said while she buttered her toast. “In New Zealand. Do you think so?”

“It crossed my mind,” I admitted. “But I really don’t think so. First of all, we haven’t been together that long. And second of all, I think he’d be too nervous to ask on vacation. What if I say no? Then we’re stuck together on the other side of the world. I really think this is just a vacation.”

“Pretty expensive vacation for just a vacation,” she said. “That’s all I’m gonna say.”

Talk turned to New Year’s Eve. Ben and I had decided we wanted to have a relatively quiet night at home, but we didn’t want to do it alone. We invited Mitchell and Ursula over. Then Jenna, who invited Leslie, and Brad. Then Mark and Chris, Ben’s college rock-climbing buddies, and Chris’ girlfriend Allison. Then Meg and Tex didn’t have plans, so I invited them. And neither did Ben’s friend Caroline. Or Ben’s other friend Neil, who he had reconnected with at Rob and Amelia’s party, and had been in contact with pretty frequently since. Sarah, who was in town, had some invites to big bashes but really just wanted to hang out with a small group of friends, so she wanted to come, too. It was a great group, and I was looking forward to it.

“So things are cool with you and Sarah now?” Jenna asked. She looked skeptical.

“Cool-ish,” I said.

She shrugged. “So who are you hanging out with these days?” she asked.

“Ben, mostly,” I admitted. “Brad. Ursula once in awhile. Meg once in awhile. Marni when she has a party. Jane once in a blue moon.” I hesitated, almost not saying what came next. “I’m kind of lonely, I guess.”

“That’s stupid,” she said, which made me laugh. “Now that I’m back, I don’t want to hear that. You want to go out? You call me. You need someone to talk to?” She looked at me, waiting for me to respond.

“I call you?”

“Damn right.”

I smiled. And then I realized that I haven’t exactly been ostracized by my friends. I’ve just gotten lazy about spending time with them. If I feel like I have no one to talk to, it’s my own fault. I’m hereby adding this to my list of 2011 resolutions: work on my friendships with Marni, Jane, Ursula, Meg and yes, even Sarah, too.

7:29 PM

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