What I’ve Learned In Pageantry That May Help You In Dating

Use what you got…to get what you want!

I hate to admit it but I love entertaining a crowd. It's so ironic because I’m actually a super shy girl! My family still doesn’t know how I can be so soft spoken and timid in person yet so full of life on stage. I often wonder this myself sometimes! I think it’s because I love to entertain people and make them smile, even for one moment in time. But this irony made me think a lot deeper about people’s gifts and talents and how we can use them to propel us in dating successfully.

Throughout the years, I have entertained people through pageantry, fitness and local community shows.  And the thing I’ve noticed is the variety of people that perform on stage and the tremendous gifts and talents they bring with them to the stage.  Every one of them is different in their presentations. That’s what makes them special and people are drawn to their uniqueness.

The more the person brings their individual strengths to the stage no matter the eccentricity of it, the more that person shines in the eyes of the audience.  The more the person hides their talent or tries to be like someone else, the more their light is dimmed and someone else shines ahead of them. Well, the same holds true for dating, the more we bring our gifts and talents to the relationship, the more our partners love us and the more we hide behind those gifts, the less attractive we become to our partners.

So why do we hide behind those gifts? Well, that’s a great question with a one word answer-fear. Fear sets in and tells us that people won’t like us if we express ourselves. Fear tells us to be like other people. The only problem is that when you become like other people, you lose the essence of who you were born to be in life. You become just another face in the crowd. We must learn to overcome that fear and let our light shine so that others can see it.

You see, I believe everyone has a gift and everyone is here on earth for a reason. Some people have bright, bold personalities while others may have a quiet unassuming personality. Some people have incredible outward beauty (although in the eyes of the beholder!) while others have a quiet, inner assurance. But that’s what makes us all colorful people.  If the world were all full of one color or had one type of people, we would have a very boring world. Your uniqueness makes you attractive to others because it is what you bring to the table.

The more we’re free to express our talents and abilities in dating, the more others will see those talents and reward us accordingly. They appreciate the fact that we are who we are and not like other people.  When you decide to express your own individual self, you move to another level of maturity and wisdom of which others can only aspire to go in life.  You begin to control your own destiny and write your own rules.  You begin to live the life you were meant to live. 

Thanks for reading!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com. 

If you happen to live in the Baltimore-DC metro area, please do inquire about my upcoming workshops.  The next workshop series will be held on Sept 13th in Columbia, Maryland.  If interested, please email us at info@liveloveaspire.com.

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Embracing The 'Invisible Woman': How I Learned To Age & Stay Sexy

Still sexy after all these years. I may not be turning as many heads as I used to, but I'm evolving into a different kind of sexy.

It seemed only a few years ago that I attended my stepmom's 50th birthday party. I remember how cool she was, with all of her kicky, nutty friends, all guzzling champagne and prancing around like Bianca Jagger clones. I remember being the young one, the 30-year-old, the unmarried, child-free punk sporting platinum spiked hair and clad in a man's tux.

I was in awe of these women. I imagined that each one of them went home to closets filled with Chanel and Yves Saint Laurent, and that their bathroom shelves were cluttered with high-end beauty products that a mere youngster like me could only dream of having one day — when I was rich, older and perfected in my female fabulousness. 

These women were lawyers and writers, consultants and artists. They'd each known their fair share of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. Despite the facial lines that told the tale of lives well lived, they were each, in their own individual way, sexy as hell.

I caught up with one of them in the ladies' lounge that night. She was one of those marvelous British beauties, a Julie Christie type, so full of bounce and mischief. Sweeping a stray lock of sandy bleach blond hair out of her eyes, she said to me, "You know, Dori, of all the women here, you are the only one getting any male attention."

That took me aback. I had noticed that a few men had struck up conversations with me, but I didn't pay it any mind. It wasn't really much different from any other day. Besides, I told her, look at what I was wearing. My hair was bleached, my eyes were lined in streaks of black, my skin was alabaster — and I was wearing a tuxedo, which, if I recall, was part of an ensemble that included a top hat and a walking stick. I was Brigitte Nielsen doing Putting On the Ritz. You'd have to be several kinds of blind to not notice me.

She smiled knowingly, and explained to me that it wasn't my outfit that turned heads. It was my youth. She went on to tell me that although she felt she was a popular and attractive woman, barely anyone seemed to noticed her anymore when she walked into a room. She said she felt like she was bordering on transparency: that she was becoming an 'invisible woman'.

I spoke with my stepmother about this and she agreed; her days of turning heads were over. In fact, they'd been over for almost a decade.

I suppose, at the time, I could see their point. I wasn't looking at these women for their superficial beauty — though that was a part of what I noticed. I was looking at them for their sophistication, their worldliness, which I found to be far superior to anything physical. The idea that even these women come to feel invisible to men past a certain age was not even a concept to me at the time. And it certainly wasn't something I'd anticipated for myself.

Recently, a younger woman of 35 expressed this 'invisible woman' idea to me. She said it was already starting to happen to her; that her grand entrances weren't causing the same kind of splash that she had once received — that she wasn't even being catcalled anymore (ironic how we tend to miss things we once loathed). She wanted to know if I, being a card-carrying member of the infinite sophistication and worldliness club, had experienced this, how it had made me feel and what, if anything, I did about it.

Knowing why the she came to me with this question, I initially felt like Ye Olde Crone, and immediately pictured myself draped in the robes of a hag, my once dandy silver-topped walking stick replaced by the dead branch of an old oak tree. But I sucked it up and gave the woman the only answer I thought truthful: "Yes, it sucks. It all bloody sucks."

The truth is, youth — no matter what it looks like — is perceived as beautiful. And even more so, appealing to men. Youth glows. Youth is what allows us to get away with everything. Too heavy? Doesn't matter. Youth makes it look alright. Not particularly attractive? No problem. Youth will gift you with skin that's elastic enough to soften your flaws and an overall vibrance that people pick up on. Put a fine looking 55-year-old woman next to a not-so-fine looking 20-year-old woman, and there's a whopping chance that when it comes down it. the sexual choice is going to be the 20-year-old.

Because, as long as we're hormonal, being someone's sexual choice seems to mean a lot to us. Which brings me to the real answer to my younger friend's question: Yes, I've noticed that I no longer create a stir when I enter a room. And yes, it was a harsh realization, having identified as and interacted with the world for so long as a young, attractive woman. The time I cared most about this transition was back in my hyper-hormonal midlife crisis between the ages 40 and 50. Yes, those damn 40s. That's when you really feel like an invisible woman. All that good skin, all that tight stuff: it starts to get wigglier and wobblier. And that's just the face I'm talking about. Don't even get me started on the body!

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