Not sure how to move forward

Hey bro,

I've been in your position. Hopefully I can shed some light.

It's good that you built up an initial rapport with her before getting her contact information. You didn't linger for too long, and that's extremely important. You MUST remain a mystery to this girl, and she has to be made aware of that.

Anyway, I don't like how you asked her to hang out. Friends hang out. At the end of the night they watch movies. Potential lovers go out on dates. At the end of the night they are either engaging in passionate raw sex, or increasing attraction to ensure another get-together.

Women want men who know what they want. In addition they want men who also have the confidence to go after it and get it. Slow to respond is a good sign, she does not want to appear eager. Don't be temped to match her timing with texts. Just respond when you're available to do so. Also, never use a phone to text or talk to build rapport with a girl. That's what talking face to face is for. Only use your phone to organize in-person meetings, and that's it. If she texts you do not ignore her! But keep your responses vague and short, while being respectful. Drop the hint you're not interested in talking to her through a screen. Ask her out on a date, a definite date. This includes a place and a time. Do NOT ask her to hangout. If she cannot make the suggested date you proposed, and tries to offer an alternative one. Do this: Respectfully decline. The last thing you want to convey to her is that you can be easily manipulated, and controlled. Do this, and she effectively has your balls in her hands. You become her man girlfriend who beckons at her call. She does not want to make decisions. She just wants to show up and look hot. You have to be the one who decides on all the details.

There is also a difference between persistence and chasing. The latter of which will land you a solid rejection 100% of the time. Forget all the Hollywood movies you watched growing up. They are a load of BS. That guy never gets the girl in real life. He is more likely to get a restraining order.

You want her to chase you.

Men have the ability to differentiate between logical decision making and emotional interpretation. From an evolutionary standpoint, ancestral males who mixed emotion with rationality found themselves in a "one down" position. They were hesitant. They were over analytical. And that cost them either their potential mating opportunities, resources, or ultimately their life.

The answer lies in female emotion and logic. The truth is women have no idea why they feel attracted to one man vs. another, despite what might come out of their mouthes. Any woman spewing what they view as logic to counteract this sound and valid argument is dead wrong. Now if you really like her, it might seem hard not to shower her with praise and attention. If you do, you will get rejected. Give her some attention and then withdraw. She will think you're a mysterious bad-ass. Just treat her like any other girl, including the ones you have no interest in. And she will come crawling to you. I guarantee it. She'll wonder where you went and start pursuing you.

Happy Hunting

Beauty Store from Amazon

do I need to let him pursue me? or can I be forward?

Here's my question, I've known this guy for a year now. We've had kind of a complicated relationship/friends with benefits type relationship all along. Yes, slept together many times.

He's also said goodbye to me a few times, and then our lives keep crossing paths again and it's like we're back where we left off.

Anyway - I'm a songwriter and musician. He works as a music manager and booking bands/events, etc. That's actually how we met. I feel like I'm trying to ride the line of pursuing him and letting him know how much he means to me, but trying to keep my distance so he can pursue me and chase after me. How much of a factor is that for guys? Being the one who does the pursuing? If someone's too available, is it a turnoff?

I've written a couple songs about him before, and he knew they were about him. I have one that I just finished, that I'd really like to send to him and say, "I wrote this for you," but I also don't want to be too forward or too overwhelming if he's not ready for that.

So....thoughts??? Do I need to let him chase after me? Is it okay to give him a gift (a song) first? Or should I hold off?

With this guy, we've already been together several times and have shared quite a bit, but it still truly feels like a very complicated relationship, one I don't want to do something to ruin it completely.

Beauty Store from Amazon

One Step Forward

After much deliberation, I decided telling Ben about the email was the lesser of all evils. But I was going to frame it in concern over the possibility that Lori was right about Ben's feelings. He came over in the early afternoon, and I poured us both some coffee and sat down next to him on the couch to broach the subject.

"I have to ask you something," I said. "Lori mentioned that she thought you were going to be upset about my dress shopping with Amy, and I just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything you weren't telling me."

Ben gave me a What the hell are you talking about? face.

"When did you talk to Lori?" he asked, looking confused.

"She emailed me. She was worried about you."

Ben rolled his eyes. "Show me the email," he said.

"I'm pretty sure I deleted it," I lied, not wanting the situation to get any more out of control than it already had.

"I'm a tech guy, K. I'm pretty sure I can retrieve it."

"I told you the gist of it," I said. "Why do you have to read it?"

"Because I'm trying to decide how mad I should be right now. Please excuse me for a minute."

Ben walked to my bedroom, taking his cell phone out of his pocket on the way. He shut the door behind him. I heard muffled talking, and then jumped a little when a couple of choice four-letter words came through the door loud and clear. After a few minutes, Ben calmly walked back into the living room and sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry about Lori," he said, staring straight ahead, quiet rage on his face. "Lori has a bad habit of putting her nose where she shouldn't. And I'm sorry I didn't just tell her in the first place. I should have, and made it clear that I was OK with it, and that she should be too, or at least keep her mouth shut about it."

"It's fine," I said, lightly rubbing his arm.

"This was all my father's idea, you know," he said.

"It was? Wait, which part?"

"All of it. He's the one that suggested she invite you, and discouraged her from asking Lori. It's pretty typical. He doesn't really think ahead. He just thinks 'What's the easiest course of action right now?' To him, you were the easiest, most accommodating choice, and Lori was the hardest, least accommodating."

"He must be a terrible chess player," I said.

Ben looked at me like he wasn't sure how to react to a joke in the middle of all the drama. Finally, he laughed. "He is. He really, really is." He pulled me over to his side of the couch, resting my head on his chest and wrapping his arms around me.

"You really like Amy?" he asked.

"So far," I said. "She seems really nice."

"All right. Let's invite her and my father down to dinner. If I accept the fact that this wedding is happening, Lori will, too, however grudgingly."

"Grudgingly for you, or for Lori?" I teased.

"Both," he said. "Only I'll be much better at hiding it."

Posted at 7:41 AM

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