Untangling The Sticky Science Of Dating And Physical Attraction

Just not feelin' it? Try talking to him! Men dismiss women based on looks all the time. Is it OK for the ladies to do the same?

Let's talk about attraction — that illusive chemistry thing. If your dating life isn't going the way you'd like, it's time to chat about this pesky little subject. One of the biggest dating mistakes I'm seeing at my website, www.JulieFerman.com, is that today's modern-day woman often dismisses a guy too soon, before she knows enough about him to make a smart decision about his date-worthiness.

Many women veto a man because he's not her physical "type" — oh my, these women are sabotaging themselves without even knowing it. Don't be that girl. I've been interviewing, coaching and matchmaking with male and female clients for over 20 years, and I've found the very biggest distinction between men and women with regard to dating is that we girls can and do develop romantic attraction over time. Men? Not so much, sadly. It's harder for men to break past physical barriers, but women are much more able.

More from YourTango: How To Be Irresistible To Men

I ask this question to each single person I interview:

"Have you ever met someone whom you didn't find attractive initially, but then later, over time, as you really got to know that person you found that you did develop "the hots" for this person?"

Well, women have responded yes to that question around 85 percent of the time. But the men I've interviewed? Sadly, less than 5 percent of them have said yes.

Is this fair? Is this right? Well, maybe not, but it's just the way it is. It's not that men are shallow or superficial; it's really just a matter of biology. If a guy isn't attracted to a woman, he simply can't respond. His equipment just doesn't work. And um, we like their equipment, don't we?

I have a gentleman client at www.JulieFerman.com who's super cute and fit — essentially, your basic "It Guy." And yet he's only attracted to very slender Asian women. No other type of woman can get a chance with him. Another of my personal matchmaking clients is a guy who likes Kardashian curves and he just can't seem to develop attraction with a woman who's a hard-body runner type.

The smart way for women to date is to really consider the men who are attracted to you, rather than pining away for or chasing after the guy who catches your eye.

If you're doing online dating, you simply must post two key photos: a clear, current, happy-looking face shot, and you absolutely, positively need to also post a body shot. An up-to-date version of your bod (not in a bikini!) because you want to show off who you are.

The men who reach out to you? You've got a shot at them, so give them a chance. If the men you're attracted to aren't responding to you, then you're barking up the wrong tree, be it online or in real life. What about that guy who's hot for you but is not quite on target for you in terms of physicality? Go on a date with him. If he meets your top three critical criteria, give him a second date. If he is interested and attracted and pursuing you, give him a third date. If there's just no magic for you after three dates, it's OK to let him go at that point. Keep him as a friend, though, if you can.

So many men make the mistake of dismissing someone before they get to know them. Don't make that same error.

To be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals, be sure to register privately with me at www.JulieFerman.com

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How important is physical attraction

TL;DR

I'm currently friends with a sweet, emotionally supportive guy who I may want to date. We connect emotionally and mentally, but I'm not physically attracted to him and I felt that something was missing the second time we went on a platonic outing/unofficial date. Since I have no experience with dating, and I'm aware that attraction is complex and different for different people, I want to know if I should take a chance and attempt a relationship with a great guy who I know wants to bond with me romantically. Keep in mind that the prospect of being in a relationship terrifies me now that I'm actually close to having one for the first time. I'm terrified to the point where I'm over-thinking and over-analyzing the impact that a relationship could have on me as well as my life. I don't want to end up break this guy's heart because I made the mistake of getting into a relationship with someone that I'm not fully attracted to. It would hurt both of us. I'd prefer to tell him that I want to remain friends. At least that way he wouldn't have experienced a close romantic bond with me prior to the "rejection."

Note: My heart has skipped a beat on two separate occasions when I've been around him. I don't know if this is a sign that I'm becoming more attracted to his looks even though I'm not attracted to a few aspects of his physical appearance. I can also see myself being happy with him because he is so supportive, but I still feel like something is missing.

Last semester a guy in one of my college/university classes asked me out to a movie. I've never been good at breaking hearts so I told him "sure" when I really meant no. He said he would get back to me about when he would be off of work, but weeks passed and he never did. Keep in mind that later on the day that he asked me out, I texted him and told him that I would prefer to keep the outing platonic because school was keeping me busy and I didn't want to throw dating into the mix. He said he understood and seemed cool with it.

During the weeks where he didn't contact me outside of school or class, I steadily became more attracted to his personality when we talked and hung out at school. One day as he was about to leave school, I asked him why he never got back in touch with me. He said that he hadn't because he hadn't been sure that I wanted to see a movie with him. Obviously he heard the "no" in my voice even though I said "sure." I told him that I was interested and after dealing with a bunch of scheduling conflicts on both ends, we finally saw a movie together in November. The date didn't end with a kiss just a friendly hug and he made no moves during the "date" or platonic outing because he already knew of my reservations about dating and relationships.

During the time that we spent together on our platonic outing/seeing the movie, I felt a real connection between us. I really enjoyed conversing and laughing with this guy. I saw potential, but decided that I wanted to spend some more time with him outside of school before making a decision. The two of us also went out to dinner in December after establishing that we liked each other and I felt very underwhelmed with the experience for some reason. I felt bored and didn't think we connected as much as we had the previous time. It felt like something was missing, but that might have been due to the fact that I was dealing with allergy problems at the time. I don't know.

The biggest problem that I've been experiencing since November is that I don't feel physically attracted to this guy. The first time I saw him in class last semester, I didn't have a physical reaction (i.e. my heart skipping a beat) and I didn't think to myself, "Oooh! What a hottie!" Even when we talked in class prior to when he asked me out, I saw him as the type of person who would be a friend and nothing more. I'm just not attracted to his looks outside of liking his smile. In fact, some aspects of his appearance turn me off. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth.

The thing that has made things even more complicated is that I can't get him off my mind and my heart has skipped a beat a couple of times when I've seen him after developing an emotional/mental attraction to him. He was also incredibly sweet and emotionally supportive when I needed it at the end of last semester. Having no dating experience, I've never pictured my first relationship being with someone who looks the way that he does. I've always imagined my first boyfriend as someone who had it all: they would be sweet, understanding, could support me emotionally, would want to be in a relationship with me, and they could make my heart skip a beat whenever I looked at them instead of just on one or two occasions.

Any help or advice would be appreciated! I'm already terrified at the prospect of heartbreak in a first relationship as well as the way a relationship would change and impact my life. The fact that he's holding out/patiently waiting for me isn't helping. I should make a decision sooner rather than later so he doesn't have to keep holding out for me. I'm not anxious at the prospect of telling him that I'd prefer to remain friends since I'll be rejecting him, but it looks like that might have to happen because I feel like something is missing from my attraction to him.

Last edited by brighterthansunshine; Yesterday at 09:13 AM.

Hmm, I think he is confused. You seem to be sending him mixed signals. No one wants to feel that they are second choice or a pity date. Attraction is not the only component o a relationship. If you are interested go with it. However don't just keep wasting his time. However I read your post and it sounds like you are liking the prospect of having someone to date and not so much this guy. You can't really force it. He can probably sense it too. There will be other people. It sounds like you should wait for someone you really want and not just someone who has shown interest.

The two outings that we went on were platonic, not romantic. I drew that line with him from the start and made it clear that I was hesitant about dating and/or entering a relationship with him. He currently thinks that I like him because it has honestly taken me a while to come to the realization that my lack of physical attraction to him is my biggest reason for backing away. So, it's currently my job to tell him that I would prefer to remain friends. That way I'm not wasting his time like you said or making him wait.

I agree that I should wait for someone that I want as opposed to someone who has merely shown interest. This is only the second guy that has shown romantic interest in me so far. In both situations it has been difficult for me to step back from feeling flattered and happy and realize that I don't return the interest. I almost feel bad upon realizing that the interest isn't mutual. :/ It's because I really don't enjoy being a heartbreaker. It's not fun to do, but it's necessary.

Last edited by brighterthansunshine; Today at 08:56 AM.

In the beginning, physical attraction isn't important at all. In fact, if I were you, I'd definitely go for it with this guy! He seems to be extremely tuned in to your needs and tries hard to make you comfortable by being careful about your reservations. He wants more, but he's willing to step back and not pursue anything unless you are comfortable with it. Also, from what I read, the two of you enjoy a close and wonderful friendship. That's one thing that can actually be vital in a relationship. The two of you are comfortable around each other, and you have the foundations of a friendship that could lead to a strong romantic relationship.

If you do decide that you want to try a relationship with him (which I would suggest, since you two seem compatible and have a great friendship foundation) I would ease into it slowly, just to make sure that you don't get in over your head and get overwhelmed. Maybe sit down and talk to him - tell him that you're not completely sure of your feelings yet, but that you know that you care about him and feel a close connection to him, and that you'd like to try a relationship.

As for physical attraction - if you start to develop feelings for him, that will come as well. I've dated guys who weren't considered attractive, because I enjoyed their personality. As time went on, and we got to know each other, they started looking better and better!

In the end though, I won't sugarcoat it - if you do try for a relationship, the friendship will change. If you guys do end up working out - that's a good thing, because now you'll move from being close friends to lovers. But if you end up breaking up, it may be a bit awkward and hard to get things back to the way they were. I'm not saying it will be impossible, but you want to keep that in mind. It is a risk...but sometimes taking a risk is worth the reward you'll get at the end.

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Is it normal to feel physical chest pain after a breakup?

The love of my life left me a week and some days ago. And as you can imagine, I've been under a great deal of stress and pain.

But at times, I feel this physical pain in the middle of my chest. It feels like my heart beats very slowly and painfully. It feels really weird, and it also messes with my breathing. It's starting to scare me a bit.

Is this normal? Has it happened to anyone else?

Yes this happened to me too, it was moments of feeling ok and then out of nowhere this feeling just hits you, almost like a panic attack at times with the difficulty breathing. Its a really awful thing to be going through Things will gradually get better though the more you distract yourself and find ways to relax

Sorry for your pain edweird256. Yes it happens to the best of us when we've fallen hard. Particularily when it was a great love. I've been there. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. This too shall pass with time. You just have to take one day at a time and then one day you'll start to feel better than the last. Brighter days are ahead of you.

I think this is the effect of the stress you are under. It's so hard to deal with a broken heart. Harder than anything I think. When my heart was broken I didn't feel healthy either. This is normal. But maybe you should consider going to a doctor? He could run some tests just to make sure everything is 100% ok. Being under stress is so harmful.

I'd agree that it's normal. It's happened to me as well, along with being on the verge of throwing up for weeks on end. One thing you can do that might help is to cut out caffeine for a while, if you consume caffeine, that is - for me it's always made me more susceptible to heart palpitations and anxiety.

Yes, I should think so. I have experienced that kind of pain in the chest, too. When I am very distressed by some extreme emotional upheaval in my personal life, I do find it difficult to breathe. Each time I draw a breathe, I feel a pain in my chest. When I find my emotional balance again, the pain goes away by itself. I hope you will feel better soon, too.

It's normal. Just anxiety and stress dealing with the breakup. Your brokenhearted and feeling overwhelmed with everything. I've been there and done that. You will be okay, just keep holding on.

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