How important is physical attraction

TL;DR

I'm currently friends with a sweet, emotionally supportive guy who I may want to date. We connect emotionally and mentally, but I'm not physically attracted to him and I felt that something was missing the second time we went on a platonic outing/unofficial date. Since I have no experience with dating, and I'm aware that attraction is complex and different for different people, I want to know if I should take a chance and attempt a relationship with a great guy who I know wants to bond with me romantically. Keep in mind that the prospect of being in a relationship terrifies me now that I'm actually close to having one for the first time. I'm terrified to the point where I'm over-thinking and over-analyzing the impact that a relationship could have on me as well as my life. I don't want to end up break this guy's heart because I made the mistake of getting into a relationship with someone that I'm not fully attracted to. It would hurt both of us. I'd prefer to tell him that I want to remain friends. At least that way he wouldn't have experienced a close romantic bond with me prior to the "rejection."

Note: My heart has skipped a beat on two separate occasions when I've been around him. I don't know if this is a sign that I'm becoming more attracted to his looks even though I'm not attracted to a few aspects of his physical appearance. I can also see myself being happy with him because he is so supportive, but I still feel like something is missing.

Last semester a guy in one of my college/university classes asked me out to a movie. I've never been good at breaking hearts so I told him "sure" when I really meant no. He said he would get back to me about when he would be off of work, but weeks passed and he never did. Keep in mind that later on the day that he asked me out, I texted him and told him that I would prefer to keep the outing platonic because school was keeping me busy and I didn't want to throw dating into the mix. He said he understood and seemed cool with it.

During the weeks where he didn't contact me outside of school or class, I steadily became more attracted to his personality when we talked and hung out at school. One day as he was about to leave school, I asked him why he never got back in touch with me. He said that he hadn't because he hadn't been sure that I wanted to see a movie with him. Obviously he heard the "no" in my voice even though I said "sure." I told him that I was interested and after dealing with a bunch of scheduling conflicts on both ends, we finally saw a movie together in November. The date didn't end with a kiss just a friendly hug and he made no moves during the "date" or platonic outing because he already knew of my reservations about dating and relationships.

During the time that we spent together on our platonic outing/seeing the movie, I felt a real connection between us. I really enjoyed conversing and laughing with this guy. I saw potential, but decided that I wanted to spend some more time with him outside of school before making a decision. The two of us also went out to dinner in December after establishing that we liked each other and I felt very underwhelmed with the experience for some reason. I felt bored and didn't think we connected as much as we had the previous time. It felt like something was missing, but that might have been due to the fact that I was dealing with allergy problems at the time. I don't know.

The biggest problem that I've been experiencing since November is that I don't feel physically attracted to this guy. The first time I saw him in class last semester, I didn't have a physical reaction (i.e. my heart skipping a beat) and I didn't think to myself, "Oooh! What a hottie!" Even when we talked in class prior to when he asked me out, I saw him as the type of person who would be a friend and nothing more. I'm just not attracted to his looks outside of liking his smile. In fact, some aspects of his appearance turn me off. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth.

The thing that has made things even more complicated is that I can't get him off my mind and my heart has skipped a beat a couple of times when I've seen him after developing an emotional/mental attraction to him. He was also incredibly sweet and emotionally supportive when I needed it at the end of last semester. Having no dating experience, I've never pictured my first relationship being with someone who looks the way that he does. I've always imagined my first boyfriend as someone who had it all: they would be sweet, understanding, could support me emotionally, would want to be in a relationship with me, and they could make my heart skip a beat whenever I looked at them instead of just on one or two occasions.

Any help or advice would be appreciated! I'm already terrified at the prospect of heartbreak in a first relationship as well as the way a relationship would change and impact my life. The fact that he's holding out/patiently waiting for me isn't helping. I should make a decision sooner rather than later so he doesn't have to keep holding out for me. I'm not anxious at the prospect of telling him that I'd prefer to remain friends since I'll be rejecting him, but it looks like that might have to happen because I feel like something is missing from my attraction to him.

Last edited by brighterthansunshine; Yesterday at 09:13 AM.

Hmm, I think he is confused. You seem to be sending him mixed signals. No one wants to feel that they are second choice or a pity date. Attraction is not the only component o a relationship. If you are interested go with it. However don't just keep wasting his time. However I read your post and it sounds like you are liking the prospect of having someone to date and not so much this guy. You can't really force it. He can probably sense it too. There will be other people. It sounds like you should wait for someone you really want and not just someone who has shown interest.

The two outings that we went on were platonic, not romantic. I drew that line with him from the start and made it clear that I was hesitant about dating and/or entering a relationship with him. He currently thinks that I like him because it has honestly taken me a while to come to the realization that my lack of physical attraction to him is my biggest reason for backing away. So, it's currently my job to tell him that I would prefer to remain friends. That way I'm not wasting his time like you said or making him wait.

I agree that I should wait for someone that I want as opposed to someone who has merely shown interest. This is only the second guy that has shown romantic interest in me so far. In both situations it has been difficult for me to step back from feeling flattered and happy and realize that I don't return the interest. I almost feel bad upon realizing that the interest isn't mutual. :/ It's because I really don't enjoy being a heartbreaker. It's not fun to do, but it's necessary.

Last edited by brighterthansunshine; Today at 08:56 AM.

In the beginning, physical attraction isn't important at all. In fact, if I were you, I'd definitely go for it with this guy! He seems to be extremely tuned in to your needs and tries hard to make you comfortable by being careful about your reservations. He wants more, but he's willing to step back and not pursue anything unless you are comfortable with it. Also, from what I read, the two of you enjoy a close and wonderful friendship. That's one thing that can actually be vital in a relationship. The two of you are comfortable around each other, and you have the foundations of a friendship that could lead to a strong romantic relationship.

If you do decide that you want to try a relationship with him (which I would suggest, since you two seem compatible and have a great friendship foundation) I would ease into it slowly, just to make sure that you don't get in over your head and get overwhelmed. Maybe sit down and talk to him - tell him that you're not completely sure of your feelings yet, but that you know that you care about him and feel a close connection to him, and that you'd like to try a relationship.

As for physical attraction - if you start to develop feelings for him, that will come as well. I've dated guys who weren't considered attractive, because I enjoyed their personality. As time went on, and we got to know each other, they started looking better and better!

In the end though, I won't sugarcoat it - if you do try for a relationship, the friendship will change. If you guys do end up working out - that's a good thing, because now you'll move from being close friends to lovers. But if you end up breaking up, it may be a bit awkward and hard to get things back to the way they were. I'm not saying it will be impossible, but you want to keep that in mind. It is a risk...but sometimes taking a risk is worth the reward you'll get at the end.

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