Need Help Being An Attentive Boyfriend? There's An App For That!

It looks like someone found his new favorite app. Those loving texts just got a lot more automated. Is this app a wingman or relationship-killer?

It's a new month, which of course means it's time for a bunch of new apps to shake up your love life. The newest? Well, the refreshing thing about it is that it's not another superficial, hot-or-not dating app — or one to help you plan your threesome.

Instead it's helping guys get a little bit more comfortable with their sensitive sides, or arguably, helping them avoid it by getting a computer to do it for them. It can easily be used to fake emotions to make their girlfriends happy — until the guys get caught that is.

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The new Android app is understandably called "BroApp" and it sends automated text messages to the lady of their choice. In order to have some control over the messages, you can select a pet name to be included in the messages like, "sweet pea" and "honey."

You can pre-write text messages or select ones from options given by the app. And don't worry, to make sure an automated message won't be sent while the "bro" is with his girlfriend (how awkward would that be?), the app can recognize his partner's WiFi. These bros think of everything!

The founders of the app told Wired that the tool will help maximize the user's relationship and the receiver will see that their partner is engaged in their relationship. I guess that is true, but wouldn't it only give the girlfriend a false sense of security in the relationship if the bro isn't really invested in it to remember to send her a simple text? It seems more like a temporary fix, if anything.

So does this app actually interest guys? Would they really outsource affectionate text messages? Well, we went out asked for you.

Sign Me Up, Now.
"Sounds kinda dangerous, but anything to communicate less on the phone. It's actually kinda funny you brought this up, because my girl moved down to Florida and since communication has been tough to say the least. I believe in 30 sec conversations, not 3 hour ones. A phone is tiring, you gotta hold it up to your head, and usually I am focused on something else while I am on the phone," says J.D., 23

"Absolutely! It would allow me to think less! I would select from the options given." says Barry, 27

"I might, not a fan of the name personally. But I do like the idea behind it," says Josh, 21 "It could have practical uses. If you're drunk it could potentially keep me from texting people when I shouldn't be."

This Is A Joke, Right?
"If I had a girlfriend and I rely on the BroApp, it would be like the BroApp is dating my girlfriend. Could you even imagine if someone's girlfriend found out that he was using the BroApp? It takes away from the relationship being genuine and this BroApp makes it more automated," says Marty, 22

"It's not a good app because what if the text you scheduled doesn't make sense to send if your girlfriend is trying to have a conversation. I'm assuming you're scheduling for an hour later or more when you're drunk or something and wouldn't be able to text," says Sean, 23.

"I feel as though the compliments would be empty; not as meaningful. Plus, it seems like it insinuates a cover up if you're cheating in a relationship," says Brice, 23

What do you think about BroApp? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below.

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Being open about open relationship

My husband and I have been married 25 years and we have an open relationship. Up until now we've only just had the occasional fling, and none of our friends, all long-time married monogamous people, know that we are open. Now my husband has a girlfriend and we are both very happy about that situation, but here's the problem. Next week he's taking his girlfriend to see a band. We just learned that a close friend of one of our close friends is going too. These people are all long-time married monogamous people. So what to do when the friend sees the husband and girlfriend out at the band? Husband doesn't want to pretend the whole night that they are just friends and not be able to dance close, or even just hold hands. Should he tell the friend right when they meet, this is my girlfriend, my wife knows and it's cool? That would be awkward and weird. Should he just act how he wants and not worry that someone thinks he's cheating? That's a drag. And friend might tell our friend, and we would hate for them to think husband is a cheater and feel sorry for me. Anyone have any other ideas? Thanks!

In my opinion you should be honest It's the easiest and the best solution. There is nothing to be ashamed of, so I don't think it will be awkward if you tell your friends what is going on. Maybe call them before the concert and tell them in advance that your husband is bringing a girlfriend?

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10 Ways To Stop Being Afraid Of The Single Life

"What's the point? I have a body pillow and a vibrator, no reason to settle." New research shows that people who fear the single life often settle for less.

Afraid of being single? A recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that you're in good company. University of Toronto researcher Stephanie Spielmann found that people who fear the single life often "settle for less in love; they're more likely to cling to unhappy relationships and more willing to date duds!"

With all of the negative stigmas that come with being single, like turning into a "cat lady" or becoming a "spinster," Spielmann found that many who participated in this study were willing to settle for less in order to avoid those fates.

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We surveyed some single ladies who have put all those insecurities aside – these women are single, proud, and certainly not willing to lower their standards! Read on to find out what they had to say about how they overcame their fears of being single.

"One day I just woke up, looked in the mirror, and realized how much of a severe disservice I would be doing to all the single bachelors in New York City by holding my single, hot self hostage and unavailable." — Alli Zack, 26

"After my first big heartbreak, my mother told me, 'You won't be happy being with someone until you can be happy when you're alone. Take yourself to a movie, out to lunch, for a walk in the park. Just get comfortable doing things on your own, that way you won't need another person to make you feel satisfied. When someone finally does come along, it will be an extra bonus having someone to share the things you already enjoy doing on your own.' On occasion, I'll still take myself out to lunch or stop at a random bar and have a drink. If I can feel fine doing those things alone, which I do, it’ll feel especially nice when I meet someone to do them with." — Kara Howard, 25

"I would rather be single and happy than in a relationship that's not right, where you have to walk around on eggshells. Plus, I like my freedom! I can stop at the local bar on my way home and stay as late as I want to without worrying about someone who is waiting up for me all the time."— Valerie Stone, 52 

"People talk about single life like it's a condition — seeing it as something to be scared of doesn't make sense to me. You're still you whether you're in a relationship or not. Right now, I'm enjoying getting to know different people, spending more time with my friends, and taking the time I need to figure what it is I actually want in a relationship. It will happen when it happens. I'm certainly not running after one, that's for sure." — Melissa Santos, 32

"Sure, it would be nice if there were someone special in my life, but I'm very happy with my life the way it is. I feel like men and relationships complicate everything, in some cases for the better, and some for the worse. I'm happy; independent I don't want to be a 'we' right now." — Becca Ronzoni, 26

"When the first wave of photos that displayed scrawny fingers dazzled in diamonds hit my social media, I asked myself simply and ridiculously: What's wrong with me? All before asking myself: Why am I not them? And do I even want to be in their spot now? But when it comes to love and marriage and finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with — through expanding waistlines and wrinkles — you can't feel rushed. There shouldn’t be a timeline or a deadline and no matter what, you shouldn't settle down just to settle. After many stern talks with myself in front of mirrors displaying a face filled with worry and single girl woes, I began to accept the fact that single just means one thing: I'm going to be okay." — Jen Glantz, 25, author of the book All My Friends Are Engaged and founder of the website The Things I Learned From

"I think the key is really being comfortable with who you are and what you want, not just in a relationship but in life in general. I like to think of dating as one of my many hobbies and try not to take it too seriously. I treat myself as a priority and know that I'm much better off being the best version of myself possible solo than a lesser me but with a companion. There are only so many hours in a day and I like to keep my list very VIP — I only surround myself with people that I think are amazing and that I can learn and grow with, not just with guys but with friends as well! If you're not keeping the best company, what's the point? I have a body pillow and a vibrator, no reason to settle." — Erica Romero, 25

"Every time I've dated a guy, I [found] I was doing it for a convenience. I realized I was dating out of necessity or for some gain, and it was never because I actually liked the guy. I don't want to be defined by a relationship. I want to make myself happy and figure out what makes me happy and confident before I start dating another idiot just because I feel obligated to have a boyfriend or to get a "plus one" on all the wedding invites that I'm suddenly getting. I'm not going to settle or waste my time on another dud. And in the meantime, that one single girl (me!) is way happier and more pleasant than all of her coupled up friends!" — Nicole Gravlin, 24

"For the past several years, I have been single and I'm not afraid at all, in fact I quite embrace it. I actually, prepare yourselves: Do Not Want A Boyfriend. I am 26 years old and am still working on solidifying a career. I have bigger fish to fry than figuring out who I'm going out with this weekend, or whether he sort of likes me or REALLY likes me. That being said, if someone came my way who inspired me to factor them into my life I would, but it is not a priority. You cannot be a good partner for anyone until you are a good whole person by yourself, and that includes nourishing your soul on your own, without relying on someone else to do it for you." 
— Allison Rerecich, 26

"I'm a single mother. Being so committed to my career, it's actually not that hard to defeat the 'sulking single syndrome.' But one incident in particular made me proud of my confidence in being single. A while ago, one of my friends proposed to his girlfriend of five years. While discussing it with my sister, I asked when she and her boyfriend would tie the knot. She said, 'I don't know. I'm just waiting for him to grow up.' They've been together for almost four years. I don't have the patience to wait four years on ANYTHING. Especially not waiting on someone to act his age or to treat me with the respect and love I deserve." — Nikki Robinson., 24

How did you overcome your fear of being single? Tell us in the comments below.

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The Ultimate Guide To Being A Wingman

You booze, you lose … both of you. Guys reveal what it really means to take one for the team, so your buddy can live the dream.

In lieu of National Singles Week, online dating megasite Zoosk surveyed over 2,300 singles to get some perspective on what makes a quality wingman. Some of the highest scoring wingmen characteristics included trustworthiness and an ability to "fill in holes in the conversation." 

We polled guys to see what makes the ideal single man's partner in crime, and we couldn't help but giggle at the results. We're on to you fellas …

Just Go With It:
Remember that time the two of you had that crazy Project X-esque rager last year? No? Well, if your friend is going on about it — you were there, and it was epic … even if it didn't actually happen. It's not only crucial to talk him up, but equally important to back him up … no matter what, according to Ryan, 24. "Talk up your dude, and go with anything he is saying."  C.J. agreed with this one as well. "Always go with what your friend says, no matter how crazy the story sounds."

Chill With The Drinks:
According to Chuck, 23, the worst thing a wingman could do is get wasted. "Don’t get sh*tfaced to the point where your friend has to stop hitting on his conquest and take you home."  Since your duty as a wingman is to help your friend seal the deal, there won't be much sealing going on if he's in a cab with you, and his girl is getting hit on by other guys at the bar. You booze, you lose…both of you. 

Talk Your Boy Up … Within Reason:
This one was a pretty unanimous response from almost every guy I interviewed. "It's important to talk your buddy up, but not too much to the point where he can't live up to the expectation," said C.J., 21.  So while it's cool to drop hints that your friend is totally doable, there's no point in deeming him with an artificial UFC championship title — he's going to look stupid, and you're going to be in the dog house.  

Don't Pounce:
There she is — your buddy has spotted her across the bar, and he's going to go for it. Should both of you wander over to her at the same time?  Probably not, according to Kenan, 22. "Never converge on the same girl," he said. "Two dudes rolling up to a girl randomly would be a little too much." Also, remember that being a gentleman goes a long way.  "Above all else (as goes for any courting situation), don't be too aggressive. Neither you, nor your boys are going home with any phone numbers if you don't keep the respect level high."

Play It Cool:
Ernie, 24 cautions his wingmen to stay cool in front of the girls he's trying to hit on. "A friend of mine does this all the time. If he sees me talking to a hot girl he'll try to show off for her which in most cases ends up embarrassing both of us and ruining my chances." Chuck is also wary of his friends blowing up his spot in front of his prospective girl. "Whatever you do, don't say any embarrassing stuff that you'd usually say when you're hanging out with your friend."

Know When To Shut Up:
"Don't be the center of attention," said C.J. "You'll be drawing her interest towards you and not the person you're wingman-ing."  Dave, 38, agrees that it's not cool to over-do it by stealing the limelight. "There comes a point in the conversation where you have to think to yourself 'My work here is done,' and walk away. 

Know How To Handle Her Friends:
So you've done your job. Your friend looks like an all-star and his girl is giggling and hair-flipping all over the place … so now what are you supposed to do with her (potentially irritated) friend? The feedback on this one actually surprised me. I expected most guys to see it as their "wingman duty" to hook up with the girl's friend, even if he wasn't originally into her. Turns out, the whole "take one for the team" responsibility doesn't always hold true. "You do have to occupy her friend, so she doesn’t become a cockblock," says Ryan. "But you don't have to hook up with the friend just because your dude is hooking up with a babe.  My job is to keep her entertained until my man accomplishes the objective … not necessarily to get with her."

Girls Make Great Wingmen:
Er…wingwomen? Either way, this was another overwhelmingly unanimous response. "Girls make great wingmen," said Chuck. "When two guys approach a girl, it can be overwhelming. When another girl is around, the girl you're hitting on is more comfortable, and also sees that you're not a douche because you have female friends."  Jason, 25, seconded that opinion.  "Would you believe a guy or a girl more if they were talking up a friend?" he asked. "When a girl talks up a guy, it sounds way more sincere."  However, Carrell, 24, cautions, "A girl can't seem too pushy about it though, because they she makes both of you look crazy."

What do you think it takes to be a great wingman? Tell us in the comments below.

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What's So Crazy About Being Single And NOT Looking?

All the single ladies! Whether temporary or indefinite, can a woman ever just be single without being a pity case?

I can't even begin to count the number of times people have said to me, "Dori, you need a boyfriend," after learning that I'm single. What's worse is their reaction when I don't chime in with a disgruntled, "Don't I know it!"

I easily accept the reality of my relationship status — single — and this seems to perplex people. That my life doesn't revolve around nailing down Mr. Right strikes both friends and strangers as odder than should be allowed, and drives them into frenzied trances of speculation. Between the doubt and the advice they're just dying to give, it only takes but a few moments for them to vault me up on to the platform of their projected pity where they can lavish me with counsel.

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I can always see it coming too. The furrowed brow of concern, the gentle hand of commiseration resting cautiously upon my own. Sometimes their solicitude will come in the form of a shy comment; something to the effect of, "I just worry about you. You deserve better."

"Better than what?" I might ask them, knowing full well what their answer will be. "Better than being alone, of course. Nobody wants to be alone."

But is being alone — whether temporarily or indefinitely — really all that bad? When I explain to those who care that I have come to a place in my life, post-divorce, where I feel more comfortable with detachment rather than attachment, the result of their friendly psychoanalysis is always the same: I'm either kidding myself, in denial, on some kind of head trip where I believe I'm superior to others, or I'm just too lonely to admit that I'm shut down and afraid to fall in love again. After all, who could be happy in such a state of non-attachment? The Buddha?

Well, I'm not the Buddha, nor do I aspire to be the Buddha. I'm just me, a woman who's been madly, desperately in love before; a woman who's had many great loves and many great losses. I've felt the all-encompassing warmth of being in love, and I've lived for years and years in full acknowledgement of love's infinite healing qualities. I have loved love, and have spent a life knowing that by being in love, I was living a full life, a human life. The act of loving someone and being loved in return, without a doubt, allowed me to feel like I was a complete person. Love is what made life worth living.

Until of course, I was pulverized by love.

While the old adage, "once bitten, twice shy," has meaning, the reality of the slogan—for most of us—should read, "85,000,000 times bitten, twice shy." We don't really get the point until we've been squashed, annihilated and eradicated by love—and even then I'm not sure we get it. When we finally ask ourselves, "Hey, whoa...do I really want more of this love stuff?," ironically, most of the time the answer will be, "Why, yes. Yes I do. In fact, give me another helping. Even though my heart has been charred into cinders, I believe there’s still something inside this old cage of bones that’s worth destroying."

What a bizarre bunch of Buddhas we are, this human race of ours.

So, why do we crave this attachment when we know from experience that it has the potential of delivering so much pain? I think if we had even the slightest hint of what real, permanent separation from the person we love felt like we’d never venture forth to seek love in the first place. It's like marriage; we don’t marry to get divorced, we marry because we want to achieve the ideal, and that is to stay in love forever. Not only that, but I suspect we also marry because we think we can grab the 'brass ring', that it’s ours for the taking so long as we believe.

Oh sure, at the dawn of a romance, we pretend to be all grand and worldly about the reality of being in love. We tend to shoo away any hints at our own weakness, which, in a way, is like creating a disclaimer that acknowledges failure as an option. But it's nothing we can't deal with because, well, we're such advanced souls and naturally we can take it should something as silly as failure happen. That's why we glibly say things like, "Yeah, I know it's not going to be perfect." But the truth is, we're not always prepared for it to be anything less than perfect. Because once we're in love, we're sunk.

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As soon as that attachment takes hold, even the slightest variance may be interpreted as a threat to the union. For those of us whose sensitivity levels are off the charts, we become neurotic, paranoid and possessive. We are so involved and invested in the security of this thing that if for some reason we detect even the slightest breach in the unspoken contract of love, we start to break down, bit by bit. For every ounce of pleasure that we derive from the coupling, there is now an equal amount of worry and fear. The fear isn't so much about the present state of the affair as it is about what the end will feel like should the worst of all possibilities come to pass.  Keep reading...

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11 Animals Who Can Relate To Being The Awkward Third Wheel

Barging in on your date? This dog has no shame. Look who's tagging along ... again.

There's probably nothing worse than being the only single person in a room full of couples who are in love, cuddling and making kissy faces at each other. (Ugh.) And these animals feel your pain. Almost in protest, they're butting in and making things awkward for couples everywhere.

1. Oh hey. Don't mind me.

Tumblr

2. You're in my spot.

Heavy.com

3. What are you staring at?

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4. That's great, but look what I can do.

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5. Excuse you!

Catgifpage.com

6. Wait for meeeee!

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7. This is so not cool.

Tumblr

8. Who's the third wheel now, ladies?

http://cheezburger.com/7163587584

9. Et tu, Fluffy?

Catgifpage.com

10. Like literally, the third wheel.

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11. Oh, is this a date thing? Never mind.

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How To Flirt With Strangers Without Being Creepy [EXPERT]

love-o-matic Find an Expert

ProConnect Subscribe to Experts Blog By Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan. Posted on Mar 18th 2013.

Love lurks in the aisles at Wal-Mart. Seven ways to meet the love of your life at Wal-Mart, of all places.

Psychology Today conducted a study on love-at-first-sight. Believe it or not, Wal-Mart topped the list of places where people encounter irresistible strangers. The study was based on "missed connection" notices posted on Craigslist.

So, how can you take advantage of this trend? Here is a list of seven dating tips to make yourself more approachable and increase your chances of interacting with men at major retail stores:

More from YourTango: Hi, Pookie: Why Women Nickname The Men They Date [EXPERT]

1. Smile and make eye contact. I call these two actions "flirting basics" and both make it easier for men to approach you. As a single woman, this is something you want to be more conscious of. The more approachable you are, the more men will take the chance to walk over and say hello. In addition, when you smile, you automatically look more attractive. You can't go wrong when you smile brightly at a man who catches your eye.

2. Be friendly. This is the place to turn up the charm! If you are a naturally bubbly person who interacts easily with people, why not try it while shopping? Being friendly and warm is like sharing your own personal brand of sunshine which creates positive interactions with people that are memorable. The more people you meet, the better your chances for finding "the one."

3. Look up from what you are doing. To be more approachable, be aware of your environment. Every once in a while, look up from whatever you are doing. As a dating coach, I can't tell you how many men have asked me why women in the grocery store are so unfriendly. My bet is that you are focused on shopping and leaving the store as quickly as possible. The solution? Take an extra 5-10 minutes so you look around and connect with people.

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4. Break the ice. Be brave and say something! Most men are flattered when a woman strikes up a conversation. This is another way to make a man's job of approaching you easier. You can talk about anything from the store, to the weather, to what's for dinner. Keep reading ...

More flirting advice from YourTango:

Other Articles/News by Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan:By Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan

The Atlantic Monthly recently ran a very entertaining article on why women give nicknames to the men they date. The author explained that she and her girlfriends often share every little detail about dating, but fail to share the most intimate detail — the man's name. For these women, not revealing the man's real name worked like a hedge against ... Read moreBy Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan

According to a recent Atlantic Monthly article, there is only a tiny window for a woman to get married at the "right time." This is because younger women in their 20s feel pressured by parents and friends to focus on education and career. The intention is to get established before being distracted by love. The piece points out that looking for a ... Read moreBy Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan

If winter has cramped your social life, take your cues from crocuses ready to poke their heads up and blossom. The time for winter hibernation is over! Human nature makes nearly everyone yearn for spring romance. This desire is coded into your DNA and harkens back to more primitive times. So, take advantage of what comes naturally and get ready to ... Read moreSee More

Would you be willing to spend 1 month intentionally working to improve your relationship?

If you make the commitment to conquering the past, you will discover in the present.

Hate shopping? Surly sales staff, long lines...tune in for ways to save the day...and your temper!

Have a dating or relationship question?

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Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

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How To Stop Being Clingy In Relationships [VIDEO]

love-o-matic Find an Expert Ask an Expert Feeling the urge to call a guy you've been dating ... again? Watch this helpful video instead! By CDO Maya Ezratti Rewarding Relationships

LOVEBUZZ BLOG Who Is Pope Francis & What Does He Stand For? 10 Acceptable Pick-Up Lines For St. ... ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS

Do you often sabotage your relationships because you can't let guys do the pursuing? Want to know how to resist the urge to be a stage-five clinger? If so, help is on the way.

In this video, dating coach and YourTango Expert Maya Ezratti explains that it throws off the romantic balance for guys when you—as a woman—aggressively pursue them. "Distract yourself, do anything else but chase down a guy," she says. "When women pursue men, it's going against nature." So what do you do to occupy your mind? She offers a few suggestions.

More from YourTango: Why You Always Attract The Wrong Guys [VIDEO]

Want to learn more? Check out the video above!

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How To Stop Being Clingy In Relationships [VIDEO]

Do you often sabotage your relationships because you can't let guys do the pursuing? Want to know how to resist the urge to be a stage-five clinger? If so, help is on the way.

In this video, dating coach and YourTango Expert Maya Ezratti explains that it throws off the romantic balance for guys when you—as a woman—aggressively pursue them. "Distract yourself, do anything else but chase down a guy," she says. "When women pursue men, it's going against nature." So what do you do to occupy your mind? She offers a few suggestions.

More from YourTango: Why You Always Attract The Wrong Guys [VIDEO]

Want to learn more? Check out the video above!

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What to do next - dating an old crush while being separated

I've been separated for nearly 6 months now and right before xmas, an old crush (Ann)from before my marriage asked me to be her date to a Christmas party. I happily accepted, thinking it was more of an "appearance" date and that it would be nothing but fun. She even said there wouldn't be any making out or sex. A few days later, her best friend asked me the status of my marriage, and at that time, we were trying to work things out. A couple of days later, Ann canceled the date and said it was because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. This gave me the impression that she might have been more interested than I had first thought and I told her that I had a very intense crush on her right before I started dating my wife. To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well but said it was important that I was trying to work things out with my wife and that we remain friends. About 2 weeks after that, it quickly became apparent that my wife and I were never going to work things out and we both lost the ability to care and are not even on talking terms. It's over, done, and not ever going to work. I gave Ann and her daughter xmas presents right before I went out of town for 2 weeks for xmas and she seemed so happy and texted me saying I was an amazing person and we'd hang out when I got back.

A bit about Ann. She's a single mom to an amazing little 6 year old girl and the dad remains in the picture-he lives in town and see's his daughter almost on a daily basis. On the other hand, he doesn't pay a dime towards child care and that brings her a huge amount of stress in her life. Ann grew up with 3 siblings and a single mom who worked her finger to the bone supporting her kids. Her mother had a very, very close relationship with Ann, they were almost inseparable and even slept in the same bed for many years. She's a perfectionist and it's quickly apparent that she devotes her entire life to her daughter and is an amazing mom. She's 100% self sufficient and works very hard and is very proud of that. She said, since she grew up with her mom having boyfriends that would constantly come and go. She hated that as a kid and she vowed to never give her daughter that life. This means we can only hang out when her daughter is at her dad's house and that her house is for her and her daughter only. I respect that to the upmost and I do not want to do anything that would infringe on that at all.

Anyway, back to the timeline. When I got back from vacation, she popped up on chat one night and was asking me about my "situation" and I told her that we weren't' trying to work things out anymore and I was only trying to stay involved in my stepson's life. Her b-day was coming up and she said she didn't really have plans for her b-day night but was to going to a concert the next week as her belated b-day celebration. She was going with friends and invited me along and said if I went, it was going to be her best b-day present. Also before that, we spoke on the phone and she talked about taking a trip with me right when I got divorced and we'd call it my divorce celebration. The night before the concert, she invited me to her house and we had an amazing time hanging out and later went out for drinks and came back to her house and watched documentaries until early in the morning. I said I had to go and she walked me out to the car and gave me a vice-like hug and I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. About 5 minutes from leaving her house, she called and texted me saying I could stay at her house and that she was worried about me driving. I drove back and we slept together and things went as far as making out and falling asleep in each other's arms. The next night, we went to the concert and then went back to her house to sleep. When we walked in the door, she grabbed me and kissed me and we went upstairs to sleep. This time the make out session was more intense and when I left in the morning, she texted me and said she had a great time hanging out with me for the last 2 days.

So, after that, I was walking around in a state of bliss. The more I learn about her, the more amazing and perfect I find her and it just feels "right" when we're together. I've even had a few friends comment over the years that we would make a great couple.

We didn't talk for a few days after that and this is where I think I started making mistakes. I texted her over the weekend saying "I hope this isn't bad to say but I'm kinda missing you". I didn't receive a reply until Monday and she called me and we spoke about it. She said we had to talk about being married and said this was the "only" problem and if it wasn't for this, we'd be dating now. She said for right now that she likes hanging out with me but, since I was married, at this time there would be "NO feelings at all" from me. She said she was a little bit freaked out when she got the text but also said she was feeling the same thing and that she had an amazing time hanging out and that she loved sleeping with me. She told me that if it wasn't for me being married, we'd be together. She even said her best friend was saying that I was great for her and she said her friend doesn't ever say that. About an hour after the phone conversation, she texted me this: "You make me smile. I am into you, for sure. Good night". I think I made the mistake of replying something that sounded way to eager and enthusiastic.

She lives in the next town over, about 30 mins away from me and I'm often in town a couple times a week. When we spoke a few times that week, she asked me if I was in town and stopping by and I called her one night and said I was going to be in town and if it was ok if I stopped by. Her daughter was at home that night, upstairs sleeping. We had a great time but she kept being jumpy when she thought her daughter woke up and might come down the stairs. I made the mistake of assuming I could crash at her house again and she said definitely not since her daughter was at home. She was very adamantent about it and I apologized and felt stupid for assuming that this was ok. Out the door, she gave me a hug but no kiss and told me to text her when got home. I texted her and she said "thanks for hanging out, we'll talk soon". My sensitive side was hurt because she seemed different than the last time we hung out, but my rational side was telling me that she was only reacting this way because her daughter was there and she's only sticking by her promise to her daughter that she didn't want to give her a life of strange guys coming and going. I texted her the next morning and apologized for assuming I could stay over there and she never replied and I haven't heard a peep from her since-3 days ago. This has happened so fast and we aren't at the point where we talk on a daily basis so this really isn't strange we haven't spoken since then but I'm getting a gut feeling that I may have pushed this too fast or she's having second thoughts. The bottom feels like it's dropped out - it doesn't feel right.

I want to be extremely careful to respect her relationship with her daughter and I fully realize and respect that we can't get closer until I'm divorced but I've got a knot the size of Texas that's saying her feelings might have changed or I may have messed up in some other way. I've resolved to give it a couple of more days to see if she'll contact me before I break down and call her. I don't want to give her the impression that I'm a needy or suffocating guy and I'm afraid of being seen as too eager which can be a turn off.

I don't know what's the best way to proceed at this point and I'm worried about screwing this up if I haven't already.

One very important thing needs to happen here and you know that. It is making your divorce final. Once that roadblock is out of the way I do think you need to pursue something further with Ann because I feel you two could have a lovely relationship. I don't blame Ann for wanting to only see you while her daughter is with her father. Her daughter is quite young and it can be quite challenging trying to explain to a six year old that mommy is interested in someone other than daddy (even though they aren't together and her daughter is aware of this fact) and she wants to be absolutely sure that she wants to be with you and that there are no major complications in the way before introducing you to her daughter. You know this and you wonderfully understand how touchy this issue is. You are going to have to let time be your ally here. I don't think you have messed anything up at all to be honest but you are going to have to temper your feelings just a little bit so you don't make any impulsive requests or decisions. Let these issues work themselves out and in the meantime keep slowly working on making the best of the time you do get to spend with Ann. I think she was just quite nervous about spending time with you while her daughter was in the home and she may be busy at the moment. I think you should try calling her in a few days if she hasn't contacted you by then.

You are dating a young mom who has the wisdom to contain her behavior in spite of what her feelings might be saying. Clearly she likes you and would like your relationship to grow but she has made the decision to 1) not expose her daughter to a parade of men, 2) not get too involved with a married man, 3) not go too far sexually with a married man who may not become available.

You, on the other hand, are ready to 1) forget the rules too fast, 2) not contain yourself until you are divorced and truly ready for another relationship, 3) nearly falling to pieces because she doesn't answer every text you send. The fact that you are jumping into a relationship while still married suggests you have trouble being alone and/or you lack the wisdom to know that some time truly single would be good for you. That you freak out when she doesn't respond reinforces that message. She may not be seeing this, but she will at some point if you don't pull it together.

Show her you have the maturity to handle yourself and a relationship. Getting some counseling would be a good start.

I'm not saying you've blown it, but you are behaving like a boy instead of a man (which at this stage is probably what she wants for herself and her daughter). If you really think this relationship has potential, then contain yourself and do what you need to do to make it happen. Focus on finishing off your marriage if it really cannot be saved. Spend some time understanding why your marriage failed--both your part and hers.

If you are going to date Ann, then be more deliberate about it. Set up dates or even a regular date night so you can get to know each other. Then stop the constant texting or end them with NRN (No Reply Necessary). The lack of regular contact will give you plenty to talk about when you are together.

I really appreciate your feed back on this. First of all I want to clarify a few things. If you look at it, she's the one who's initiated 90% of everything. She's the one who first asked me out, started talking about going on trips together, got in touch w/ me when I came back from vacation, asked me multiple times about my "situation", talked about being compatible, called me back to her house to spend the night, said me showing up to the concert as her best b-day gift, texted me back after spending the night with her and said she had a good time hanging out with me for 2 days, and then texted me this ""You make me smile. I am into you, for sure". I really feel like I've been following her lead.

As far as my marriage, we are working on getting the papers drawn up asap and I'm actually doing a lot of therapy to work on things that I brought to the marriage that helped lead it to it's demise. Ann knows this and we've talked about things quite a bit.

I wasn't looking for another relationship in any shape or form because I'm trying to work on myself. This materialized and I feel like I'm making an exception with her for a few reasons: 1.) We've been friends for at least 8 years so we already know a lot about each other, share many of the same friends, and I think she's somebody exceptional enough to take a chance on and wait a bit for to see if there might be a time when things are right. 2.) We've both said we had feelings for each other and I feel this is a situation that deserves a consideration on my part.

I respect her situation more than anything and for my own well being, I do not want to have a relationship with her daughter in any shape or form right now because I'm a step dad and I already have a close relationship with my wife's son and I emotionally do not feel it's right for me to be another stepdad right now. This also falls in line with her wishes. The real dad is fully in the picture and Ann feels that she's not ready to bring someone new into her life unless it's done very slowly and carefully.

Right now, until I am divorced, I don't want to do anything except spend time with her and get to know her better. You both are definitely right, I need to contain myself and chill out. I have nothing but the greatest respect that she doesn't want to be "that woman" and I don't want to her to be "that woman" either. I don't want to be "that guy" either.

I would suggest you work on divorcing. Inform her you are divorcing your wife and you enjoy her company. One thing you may want to consider, you hanging around her, having sex with her and going places with her may cause problems for both you and her during your divorce. Take care of your divorce and then step up the relationship with her. Sounds to me she doesn't want to get any deeper vested in the relationship so anyone will get hurt.

It sounds like you are trying to make the right moves. Use your therapist to help you chill out and don't be in a hurry with this relationship.

Good luck

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Am I being insecure or are my worries valid?

Hi,

[please read the entire post before commenting - i really appreciate all your opinions]

I met this girl online on a dating site she is 30, me 31... in the beginning, she came off as someone who got around, had a bunch of male friends and she even made comments like "i get around with men", "i'm not sleeping with anyone else yet"... so I never took her seriously... then, about 2-3 months after we met she had a male friend come over her house and stay over for a week... again, i was just looking at this as a casual thing... to her defense, i never took my dating profile off because i felt she was messing around, and I doing the same...

more and more time passed, and fast forward seven months.. things have become a bit more serious, we are spending weekends together (before we didnt), and her mom comes from overseas to visit, and i spend time with her as well... but one day, she gets a call, and while i didn't hear it, her boss's wife accussed her of cheating with him (she works for a small construction company)... so after this, i became very suspicious and starting looking at her computer when possible, and came across an old email account, where she basically admitted to getting around with men (including married men, professor!, etc) and being interested in women... i think she realized i had snooped, because she said that those emails were not her, they were her ex-bf impersonating her to talk to other girls... anyhow, this makes me more suspicious but time keeps passing... finally, we book a vacation trip to the islands... now, by this time, i'm thinking things are getting more serious, because she has also done nice things for me... cook, clean, like wife sort of attributes... but then one day she gets a call from a married "friend" that is referenced in her old email account, and she agrees to hangout with him, the day after her period ends.. at that point, with me next to her, i couldn't take it anymore and told her i couldn't see her anymore, that she her male friends were really sexual friends etc...

she agreed not to see him or any other male friends, and confessed they were once romantic, even though she denied it until i threatened to end it on the spot... i know later she did stop talking to these people (or at least from what i know), and has since become more trustworthy.... she has given me her phone password, and talked about children with me, introduced me to her close friends / family...

now the problem now is that she has just gotten a new internship, and it requires her to travel, overnight... she has a one week trip in texas coming up in two weeks.. and i feel like im not sure if i can trust her... i feel like its too easy to mess around away, and being lonely in a hotel room... i know, cause i used to travel for work alot and i know what goes on... in one hand, even without a history, i'm not so sure i would trust easy...

i'm so torn... i feel like if i end it, what happens if i meet another girl who has to travel for work... then i'll be in the same boat. would you guys trust someone like this? i feel like most wouldn't...

I feel like your worries are completely valid. She has a long history of doing what she wants (whether she was in a faithful relationship or she was having flings, you didn't elaborate). Do you know if she ever remained faithful throughout a committed relationship? Have you two sat own and officially had a discussion about being committed to one another and one another only? If you haven't talked about it then you could have a lot of miscommunication going on. I feel like her traveling could be a huge problem and it's not because you can't trust people on business trips, but because she's displayed untrustworthy behavior before. If you guys are in a committed relationship then let her go on her trips but constantly access the stuff she's given you passwords to. If you find even a smidgen of evidence that she's cheating, break it off. She's not going to change at that point and you're better off finding someone who can stay faithful and committed to you.

"Twenty of 'em wrapped up tight in silk"
- Lana Del Rey ; Hundred Dollar Bill (Unreleased Track)

She was cheating on some guy while messing around. I feel like she has been serious with me though - I've been keeping a watchful eye. But I also have come to the conclusion of what's the point of going out with someone if there going to be 1000 miles away for days at a time. It just seems
So perfect to cheat.

She has been in other relationships that he was committed in but I think she got hurt and hence maybe her looseness. She is really good to me at times like I said earlier which makes me so confused.

I feel like your worries are completely valid. She has a long history of doing what she wants (whether she was in a faithful relationship or she was having flings, you didn't elaborate). Do you know if she ever remained faithful throughout a committed relationship? Have you two sat own and officially had a discussion about being committed to one another and one another only? If you haven't talked about it then you could have a lot of miscommunication going on. I feel like her traveling could be a huge problem and it's not because you can't trust people on business trips, but because she's displayed untrustworthy behavior before. If you guys are in a committed relationship then let her go on her trips but constantly access the stuff she's given you passwords to. If you find even a smidgen of evidence that she's cheating, break it off. She's not going to change at that point and you're better off finding someone who can stay faithful and committed to you.

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The Bright Side Of Being Single [EXPERT]

ProConnect Subscribe to Experts Blog By Life Coach Kelly Rudolph. Posted on Dec 31st 2012.

Are you happy being single? Plus: Are you a teepee or a skyscraper? Find out!

If you don't know how to be happy when your single, chances are, your relationships will always teeter on the brink of doom. Why? Because the "right guy" for you when you're unhappy being single likely feels the same way as you — he's unhappy being single, too. And two people who are unhappy being single in a relationship together, well, that's a disaster waiting to happen.

More from YourTango: Does Your Definition Of Happy Make You Unhappy? [EXPERT]

Here's what I mean. Picture two, emotionally healthy, happy people standing next to each other having a relationship. They are both standing tall like skyscrapers, happy to be together but also individually complete when separate. Now picture two unhappily single people leaning on one another. They look like a teepee. If one falters, they both collapse.

See the difference? Being happy single doesn't mean you don't want a relationship. It means you get to attract a happy, single man into a healthy relationship.

If you're thinking to yourself that relationships mean having someone to help you get through life, you may need to take a closer look at your life. Life isn't something to be gotten through. Life is to be lived, loved, laughed, danced and celebrated, which can only truly happen with two people who recognize they are complete on their own.

Once you know how to be happy single, once you enjoy time with friends and alone without needing a relationship to validate your existence, then, when you're in a relationship, you'll have a lot more fun. Plus, you'll be that mucy more likely to attract someone who knows how to be happy single as well. The relationship will be created by two, mentally and emotionally healthy people instead of two needy people. Doesn't that sound like more fun? Keep reading ...

More from YourTango: Single On New Year's? New Tradition Beats Resolutions [EXPERT]

More advice for singles from YourTango:

Get more expert advice! Author, Life Coach, Personal Development Coach, Speaker/Presenter, Spiritual Healer

Kelly Rudolph
Certified Life Coach | PWRful Results Coach | Dragonfly Process Practitioner
PositiveWomenRock.com

Specialties: Life Management, Life Transitions, Stress ManagementOther Articles/News by Life Coach Kelly Rudolph:By Life Coach Kelly Rudolph

We all have our own definition of happy. Have you ever considered that yours is making you unhappy? When we picture certain events happening in our lives before we can be happy (promotion, marriage, new home), we look for those specific situations and set ourselves up to miss out on many experiences that may have lead us to happiness in a different ... Read moreBy Life Coach Kelly Rudolph

Being single on New Years Eve inspires most women to seek company (even if it's bad) to avoid being alone. The thought of beginning another year single is almost overwhelming and inspires despair, anxiety, desperation, fear and depression. Even if a less than desirable relationship ended during the year and you are better off for it, there is still a stigma ... Read moreBy Life Coach Kelly Rudolph

As women, we are excellent at creating ourselves as victims and martyrs. This is the time and here is the first step to break the ugly cycle and move on to being powerful instead of tragic! Martyr - A woman who suffers by choice and wears it as a badge of honor. This is a woman who will settle into a bad relationship or job situation and allow everyone to ... Read moreSee More

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Q&A: Am I Being Too Untrusting?

Question from Kirsten B.: My boyfriend always logs into my Gmail account to get access to YouTube, but lately, he’s been asking for my Facebook and Twitter passwords too. I’m just not comfortable letting him have access to those accounts. Am I being too untrusting?

Answers from Our Love Experts:

Tristan Coopersmith, Love Stylist: In my honest humble opinion, it isn’t a matter of your level of trust but rather motive on his part to access your accounts AND motive on your part for wanting to prevent that access. Why does he want in? Has he been accusing you of naughty online behavior? Or does he just look at a password swap as a rite of relationship passage? And for you…why are you withholding? Do you have something to hide? Want to keep your electronic flirting options open? Or is it just a matter of wanting to preserve your independence and privacy? Once you determine both of your motives, I think you will gain clarity on your choice to give up the passwords or not.

Suzanne Oshima, Matchmaker: No, you’re not being too untrusting at all! There isn’t any reasonable explanation as to why your boyfriend needs to have access to your Gmail, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter Accounts. If you don’t give him your passwords, he will probably try to spin it and say that you’re hiding something from him. However, it appears that your boyfriend is the one who is insecure and doesn’t trust you. I always tell my clients: if you feel the need to “spy” on your boyfriend or girlfriend through their email or Facebook accounts, then that’s a clear indicator that it’s not a healthy relationship. When it comes to relationships, trust is the true foundation of a good one.

Paige Wyatt, Reality Star: You are not the one that’s being untrusting; he is. I’m sure he has his own Facebook or Twitter account, which means he’s only using your’s to spy on you. He probably doesn’t care what your friends are doing; he wants to know who you’re talking to, what you’re talking about and if there’s any reason that he should be worried. Invasion of privacy is a big red flag in a relationship! You have a right to keep your passwords private, and by wanting access to your accounts, he’s violating that right. If you two are in a serious, healthy relationship, you should be able to talk to each other and share your concerns rather than spy on each other. Ask him why he wants the passwords; be understanding, open and honest with each other. A lot of times men aren’t trying to be offensive or untrusting; they are just a little insecure, and it’s our job to relieve those worries.

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Finally Being Honest...Sort of

On Saturday:

“K., why are you being so weird?” Ben asked.

“I’m not being weird.”

“You’re being weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Just… weird. You’ve been weird for about a week now. What’s going on with you?”

“Can you describe the weird?”

“K., you know you’re being weird. Just tell me what’s up.”

“I don’t think I’m being weird. Nothing is up.”

Ben sighed. Clearly my “wait and see” approach is not going as well as I had hoped it would. I may be bad at communicating my feelings, but I’m even worse at hiding them. If only I’d gotten better at the latter, I never even would have had to bother working on the former. (Joking. Sort of.)

On Sunday, Ben tried a different approach: guilt. Behold:

“K., we promised to always be open and honest with each other. I can tell that something is bothering you, and I wish you’d tell me what it is so that we can deal with it.”

My mind raced. How could I tell Ben what’s wrong without telling him what’s wrong? I suddenly remembered Jenna’s advice.

“It’s just… I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately,” I said, finally.

“And?”

“And I feel like I need to know what we’re doing here. Where we’re headed.”

“What? Where is this coming from?”

“It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.”

“Why?” Ben was looking at me like I was a puzzle he was trying to solve. Which, in that moment, I guess I was.

“Because we’ve been together for almost a year, Ben. And aside from you asking me to move in with you a couple of times, we haven’t really talked about where this relationship is going.”

“A year isn’t a long time, K.,” he said, gently. “I assumed we were still figuring things out. Or figuring each other out. I’m certainly still trying to figure you out.”

“What’s to figure out about me?” I asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said, his voice taking on a hard, sarcastic edge. “Maybe the fact that you’ve been acting like a total freak for the past week, and now you’re giving me some made-up crap about what’s bothering you instead of telling me what your problem is.”

“My problem?” I asked, getting defensive. “I told you what my problem is, and it’s not made-up crap. And you’re avoiding the issue.”

“What issue, K.?!” He was clearly exasperated. “That you don’t know where this relationship is going? No one ever knows where any relationship is going! Relationships go places, K. Organically. You don’t sit down and write out a timeline for what’s going to happen when.”

I felt deflated. He had changed his mind about asking me to marry him. For whatever reason, he didn’t think it was the right time. I also felt angry. At him, at myself, and at the universe, for letting me find that stupid ring.

“Could you not explain the facts of life to me like I’m a 5-year-old?” I asked. “I could do without your condescending tone.”

We did that half-making-up thing that you do when you don’t want to fight anymore, but have resolved nothing. I went home, and he didn’t call. I’m sure we’ll talk again tonight, but I honestly have no idea what to say. Ugh, relationships are freaking hard.

Posted at 08:37 AM

Find your date here

Finally Being Honest...Sort of

On Saturday:

“K., why are you being so weird?” Ben asked.

“I’m not being weird.”

“You’re being weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Just… weird. You’ve been weird for about a week now. What’s going on with you?”

“Can you describe the weird?”

“K., you know you’re being weird. Just tell me what’s up.”

“I don’t think I’m being weird. Nothing is up.”

Ben sighed. Clearly my “wait and see” approach is not going as well as I had hoped it would. I may be bad at communicating my feelings, but I’m even worse at hiding them. If only I’d gotten better at the latter, I never even would have had to bother working on the former. (Joking. Sort of.)

On Sunday, Ben tried a different approach: guilt. Behold:

“K., we promised to always be open and honest with each other. I can tell that something is bothering you, and I wish you’d tell me what it is so that we can deal with it.”

My mind raced. How could I tell Ben what’s wrong without telling him what’s wrong? I suddenly remembered Jenna’s advice.

“It’s just… I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately,” I said, finally.

“And?”

“And I feel like I need to know what we’re doing here. Where we’re headed.”

“What? Where is this coming from?”

“It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.”

“Why?” Ben was looking at me like I was a puzzle he was trying to solve. Which, in that moment, I guess I was.

“Because we’ve been together for almost a year, Ben. And aside from you asking me to move in with you a couple of times, we haven’t really talked about where this relationship is going.”

“A year isn’t a long time, K.,” he said, gently. “I assumed we were still figuring things out. Or figuring each other out. I’m certainly still trying to figure you out.”

“What’s to figure out about me?” I asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said, his voice taking on a hard, sarcastic edge. “Maybe the fact that you’ve been acting like a total freak for the past week, and now you’re giving me some made-up crap about what’s bothering you instead of telling me what your problem is.”

“My problem?” I asked, getting defensive. “I told you what my problem is, and it’s not made-up crap. And you’re avoiding the issue.”

“What issue, K.?!” He was clearly exasperated. “That you don’t know where this relationship is going? No one ever knows where any relationship is going! Relationships go places, K. Organically. You don’t sit down and write out a timeline for what’s going to happen when.”

I felt deflated. He had changed his mind about asking me to marry him. For whatever reason, he didn’t think it was the right time. I also felt angry. At him, at myself, and at the universe, for letting me find that stupid ring.

“Could you not explain the facts of life to me like I’m a 5-year-old?” I asked. “I could do without your condescending tone.”

We did that half-making-up thing that you do when you don’t want to fight anymore, but have resolved nothing. I went home, and he didn’t call. I’m sure we’ll talk again tonight, but I honestly have no idea what to say. Ugh, relationships are freaking hard.

Posted at 08:37 AM

Find your date here

Finally Being Honest...Sort of

On Saturday:

“K., why are you being so weird?” Ben asked.

“I’m not being weird.”

“You’re being weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Just… weird. You’ve been weird for about a week now. What’s going on with you?”

“Can you describe the weird?”

“K., you know you’re being weird. Just tell me what’s up.”

“I don’t think I’m being weird. Nothing is up.”

Ben sighed. Clearly my “wait and see” approach is not going as well as I had hoped it would. I may be bad at communicating my feelings, but I’m even worse at hiding them. If only I’d gotten better at the latter, I never even would have had to bother working on the former. (Joking. Sort of.)

On Sunday, Ben tried a different approach: guilt. Behold:

“K., we promised to always be open and honest with each other. I can tell that something is bothering you, and I wish you’d tell me what it is so that we can deal with it.”

My mind raced. How could I tell Ben what’s wrong without telling him what’s wrong? I suddenly remembered Jenna’s advice.

“It’s just… I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately,” I said, finally.

“And?”

“And I feel like I need to know what we’re doing here. Where we’re headed.”

“What? Where is this coming from?”

“It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.”

“Why?” Ben was looking at me like I was a puzzle he was trying to solve. Which, in that moment, I guess I was.

“Because we’ve been together for almost a year, Ben. And aside from you asking me to move in with you a couple of times, we haven’t really talked about where this relationship is going.”

“A year isn’t a long time, K.,” he said, gently. “I assumed we were still figuring things out. Or figuring each other out. I’m certainly still trying to figure you out.”

“What’s to figure out about me?” I asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said, his voice taking on a hard, sarcastic edge. “Maybe the fact that you’ve been acting like a total freak for the past week, and now you’re giving me some made-up crap about what’s bothering you instead of telling me what your problem is.”

“My problem?” I asked, getting defensive. “I told you what my problem is, and it’s not made-up crap. And you’re avoiding the issue.”

“What issue, K.?!” He was clearly exasperated. “That you don’t know where this relationship is going? No one ever knows where any relationship is going! Relationships go places, K. Organically. You don’t sit down and write out a timeline for what’s going to happen when.”

I felt deflated. He had changed his mind about asking me to marry him. For whatever reason, he didn’t think it was the right time. I also felt angry. At him, at myself, and at the universe, for letting me find that stupid ring.

“Could you not explain the facts of life to me like I’m a 5-year-old?” I asked. “I could do without your condescending tone.”

We did that half-making-up thing that you do when you don’t want to fight anymore, but have resolved nothing. I went home, and he didn’t call. I’m sure we’ll talk again tonight, but I honestly have no idea what to say. Ugh, relationships are freaking hard.

Posted at 08:37 AM

Find your date here

Finally Being Honest...Sort of

On Saturday:

“K., why are you being so weird?” Ben asked.

“I’m not being weird.”

“You’re being weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Just… weird. You’ve been weird for about a week now. What’s going on with you?”

“Can you describe the weird?”

“K., you know you’re being weird. Just tell me what’s up.”

“I don’t think I’m being weird. Nothing is up.”

Ben sighed. Clearly my “wait and see” approach is not going as well as I had hoped it would. I may be bad at communicating my feelings, but I’m even worse at hiding them. If only I’d gotten better at the latter, I never even would have had to bother working on the former. (Joking. Sort of.)

On Sunday, Ben tried a different approach: guilt. Behold:

“K., we promised to always be open and honest with each other. I can tell that something is bothering you, and I wish you’d tell me what it is so that we can deal with it.”

My mind raced. How could I tell Ben what’s wrong without telling him what’s wrong? I suddenly remembered Jenna’s advice.

“It’s just… I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately,” I said, finally.

“And?”

“And I feel like I need to know what we’re doing here. Where we’re headed.”

“What? Where is this coming from?”

“It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.”

“Why?” Ben was looking at me like I was a puzzle he was trying to solve. Which, in that moment, I guess I was.

“Because we’ve been together for almost a year, Ben. And aside from you asking me to move in with you a couple of times, we haven’t really talked about where this relationship is going.”

“A year isn’t a long time, K.,” he said, gently. “I assumed we were still figuring things out. Or figuring each other out. I’m certainly still trying to figure you out.”

“What’s to figure out about me?” I asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said, his voice taking on a hard, sarcastic edge. “Maybe the fact that you’ve been acting like a total freak for the past week, and now you’re giving me some made-up crap about what’s bothering you instead of telling me what your problem is.”

“My problem?” I asked, getting defensive. “I told you what my problem is, and it’s not made-up crap. And you’re avoiding the issue.”

“What issue, K.?!” He was clearly exasperated. “That you don’t know where this relationship is going? No one ever knows where any relationship is going! Relationships go places, K. Organically. You don’t sit down and write out a timeline for what’s going to happen when.”

I felt deflated. He had changed his mind about asking me to marry him. For whatever reason, he didn’t think it was the right time. I also felt angry. At him, at myself, and at the universe, for letting me find that stupid ring.

“Could you not explain the facts of life to me like I’m a 5-year-old?” I asked. “I could do without your condescending tone.”

We did that half-making-up thing that you do when you don’t want to fight anymore, but have resolved nothing. I went home, and he didn’t call. I’m sure we’ll talk again tonight, but I honestly have no idea what to say. Ugh, relationships are freaking hard.

Posted at 08:37 AM

Find your date here

Thank You for Being a Friend

Aside from the whole money thing, having an entire week off makes me long for my unemployed days, when I could sleep in, not shower if I didn’t feel like it, work out in an empty gym and complete errands without waiting in long lines. This time around, I have the added benefit of having Jenna around.

As far as the apartment goes, Jenna isn’t super in love with it, but she’s not in a hurry to find another one just yet, either. Basically, she said, “It’ll do. Thanks for your help.” Today, we went to a morning yoga class, followed by breakfast.

“I think Ben’s going to propose,” she said while she buttered her toast. “In New Zealand. Do you think so?”

“It crossed my mind,” I admitted. “But I really don’t think so. First of all, we haven’t been together that long. And second of all, I think he’d be too nervous to ask on vacation. What if I say no? Then we’re stuck together on the other side of the world. I really think this is just a vacation.”

“Pretty expensive vacation for just a vacation,” she said. “That’s all I’m gonna say.”

Talk turned to New Year’s Eve. Ben and I had decided we wanted to have a relatively quiet night at home, but we didn’t want to do it alone. We invited Mitchell and Ursula over. Then Jenna, who invited Leslie, and Brad. Then Mark and Chris, Ben’s college rock-climbing buddies, and Chris’ girlfriend Allison. Then Meg and Tex didn’t have plans, so I invited them. And neither did Ben’s friend Caroline. Or Ben’s other friend Neil, who he had reconnected with at Rob and Amelia’s party, and had been in contact with pretty frequently since. Sarah, who was in town, had some invites to big bashes but really just wanted to hang out with a small group of friends, so she wanted to come, too. It was a great group, and I was looking forward to it.

“So things are cool with you and Sarah now?” Jenna asked. She looked skeptical.

“Cool-ish,” I said.

She shrugged. “So who are you hanging out with these days?” she asked.

“Ben, mostly,” I admitted. “Brad. Ursula once in awhile. Meg once in awhile. Marni when she has a party. Jane once in a blue moon.” I hesitated, almost not saying what came next. “I’m kind of lonely, I guess.”

“That’s stupid,” she said, which made me laugh. “Now that I’m back, I don’t want to hear that. You want to go out? You call me. You need someone to talk to?” She looked at me, waiting for me to respond.

“I call you?”

“Damn right.”

I smiled. And then I realized that I haven’t exactly been ostracized by my friends. I’ve just gotten lazy about spending time with them. If I feel like I have no one to talk to, it’s my own fault. I’m hereby adding this to my list of 2011 resolutions: work on my friendships with Marni, Jane, Ursula, Meg and yes, even Sarah, too.

7:29 PM

Find your date here