I've been separated for nearly 6 months now and right before xmas, an old crush (Ann)from before my marriage asked me to be her date to a Christmas party. I happily accepted, thinking it was more of an "appearance" date and that it would be nothing but fun. She even said there wouldn't be any making out or sex. A few days later, her best friend asked me the status of my marriage, and at that time, we were trying to work things out. A couple of days later, Ann canceled the date and said it was because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. This gave me the impression that she might have been more interested than I had first thought and I told her that I had a very intense crush on her right before I started dating my wife. To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well but said it was important that I was trying to work things out with my wife and that we remain friends. About 2 weeks after that, it quickly became apparent that my wife and I were never going to work things out and we both lost the ability to care and are not even on talking terms. It's over, done, and not ever going to work. I gave Ann and her daughter xmas presents right before I went out of town for 2 weeks for xmas and she seemed so happy and texted me saying I was an amazing person and we'd hang out when I got back.A bit about Ann. She's a single mom to an amazing little 6 year old girl and the dad remains in the picture-he lives in town and see's his daughter almost on a daily basis. On the other hand, he doesn't pay a dime towards child care and that brings her a huge amount of stress in her life. Ann grew up with 3 siblings and a single mom who worked her finger to the bone supporting her kids. Her mother had a very, very close relationship with Ann, they were almost inseparable and even slept in the same bed for many years. She's a perfectionist and it's quickly apparent that she devotes her entire life to her daughter and is an amazing mom. She's 100% self sufficient and works very hard and is very proud of that. She said, since she grew up with her mom having boyfriends that would constantly come and go. She hated that as a kid and she vowed to never give her daughter that life. This means we can only hang out when her daughter is at her dad's house and that her house is for her and her daughter only. I respect that to the upmost and I do not want to do anything that would infringe on that at all.
Anyway, back to the timeline. When I got back from vacation, she popped up on chat one night and was asking me about my "situation" and I told her that we weren't' trying to work things out anymore and I was only trying to stay involved in my stepson's life. Her b-day was coming up and she said she didn't really have plans for her b-day night but was to going to a concert the next week as her belated b-day celebration. She was going with friends and invited me along and said if I went, it was going to be her best b-day present. Also before that, we spoke on the phone and she talked about taking a trip with me right when I got divorced and we'd call it my divorce celebration. The night before the concert, she invited me to her house and we had an amazing time hanging out and later went out for drinks and came back to her house and watched documentaries until early in the morning. I said I had to go and she walked me out to the car and gave me a vice-like hug and I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. About 5 minutes from leaving her house, she called and texted me saying I could stay at her house and that she was worried about me driving. I drove back and we slept together and things went as far as making out and falling asleep in each other's arms. The next night, we went to the concert and then went back to her house to sleep. When we walked in the door, she grabbed me and kissed me and we went upstairs to sleep. This time the make out session was more intense and when I left in the morning, she texted me and said she had a great time hanging out with me for the last 2 days.
So, after that, I was walking around in a state of bliss. The more I learn about her, the more amazing and perfect I find her and it just feels "right" when we're together. I've even had a few friends comment over the years that we would make a great couple.
We didn't talk for a few days after that and this is where I think I started making mistakes. I texted her over the weekend saying "I hope this isn't bad to say but I'm kinda missing you". I didn't receive a reply until Monday and she called me and we spoke about it. She said we had to talk about being married and said this was the "only" problem and if it wasn't for this, we'd be dating now. She said for right now that she likes hanging out with me but, since I was married, at this time there would be "NO feelings at all" from me. She said she was a little bit freaked out when she got the text but also said she was feeling the same thing and that she had an amazing time hanging out and that she loved sleeping with me. She told me that if it wasn't for me being married, we'd be together. She even said her best friend was saying that I was great for her and she said her friend doesn't ever say that. About an hour after the phone conversation, she texted me this: "You make me smile. I am into you, for sure. Good night". I think I made the mistake of replying something that sounded way to eager and enthusiastic.
She lives in the next town over, about 30 mins away from me and I'm often in town a couple times a week. When we spoke a few times that week, she asked me if I was in town and stopping by and I called her one night and said I was going to be in town and if it was ok if I stopped by. Her daughter was at home that night, upstairs sleeping. We had a great time but she kept being jumpy when she thought her daughter woke up and might come down the stairs. I made the mistake of assuming I could crash at her house again and she said definitely not since her daughter was at home. She was very adamantent about it and I apologized and felt stupid for assuming that this was ok. Out the door, she gave me a hug but no kiss and told me to text her when got home. I texted her and she said "thanks for hanging out, we'll talk soon". My sensitive side was hurt because she seemed different than the last time we hung out, but my rational side was telling me that she was only reacting this way because her daughter was there and she's only sticking by her promise to her daughter that she didn't want to give her a life of strange guys coming and going. I texted her the next morning and apologized for assuming I could stay over there and she never replied and I haven't heard a peep from her since-3 days ago. This has happened so fast and we aren't at the point where we talk on a daily basis so this really isn't strange we haven't spoken since then but I'm getting a gut feeling that I may have pushed this too fast or she's having second thoughts. The bottom feels like it's dropped out - it doesn't feel right.
I want to be extremely careful to respect her relationship with her daughter and I fully realize and respect that we can't get closer until I'm divorced but I've got a knot the size of Texas that's saying her feelings might have changed or I may have messed up in some other way. I've resolved to give it a couple of more days to see if she'll contact me before I break down and call her. I don't want to give her the impression that I'm a needy or suffocating guy and I'm afraid of being seen as too eager which can be a turn off.
I don't know what's the best way to proceed at this point and I'm worried about screwing this up if I haven't already.
One very important thing needs to happen here and you know that. It is making your divorce final. Once that roadblock is out of the way I do think you need to pursue something further with Ann because I feel you two could have a lovely relationship. I don't blame Ann for wanting to only see you while her daughter is with her father. Her daughter is quite young and it can be quite challenging trying to explain to a six year old that mommy is interested in someone other than daddy (even though they aren't together and her daughter is aware of this fact) and she wants to be absolutely sure that she wants to be with you and that there are no major complications in the way before introducing you to her daughter. You know this and you wonderfully understand how touchy this issue is. You are going to have to let time be your ally here. I don't think you have messed anything up at all to be honest but you are going to have to temper your feelings just a little bit so you don't make any impulsive requests or decisions. Let these issues work themselves out and in the meantime keep slowly working on making the best of the time you do get to spend with Ann. I think she was just quite nervous about spending time with you while her daughter was in the home and she may be busy at the moment. I think you should try calling her in a few days if she hasn't contacted you by then.
You are dating a young mom who has the wisdom to contain her behavior in spite of what her feelings might be saying. Clearly she likes you and would like your relationship to grow but she has made the decision to 1) not expose her daughter to a parade of men, 2) not get too involved with a married man, 3) not go too far sexually with a married man who may not become available.You, on the other hand, are ready to 1) forget the rules too fast, 2) not contain yourself until you are divorced and truly ready for another relationship, 3) nearly falling to pieces because she doesn't answer every text you send. The fact that you are jumping into a relationship while still married suggests you have trouble being alone and/or you lack the wisdom to know that some time truly single would be good for you. That you freak out when she doesn't respond reinforces that message. She may not be seeing this, but she will at some point if you don't pull it together.
Show her you have the maturity to handle yourself and a relationship. Getting some counseling would be a good start.
I'm not saying you've blown it, but you are behaving like a boy instead of a man (which at this stage is probably what she wants for herself and her daughter). If you really think this relationship has potential, then contain yourself and do what you need to do to make it happen. Focus on finishing off your marriage if it really cannot be saved. Spend some time understanding why your marriage failed--both your part and hers.
If you are going to date Ann, then be more deliberate about it. Set up dates or even a regular date night so you can get to know each other. Then stop the constant texting or end them with NRN (No Reply Necessary). The lack of regular contact will give you plenty to talk about when you are together.
I really appreciate your feed back on this. First of all I want to clarify a few things. If you look at it, she's the one who's initiated 90% of everything. She's the one who first asked me out, started talking about going on trips together, got in touch w/ me when I came back from vacation, asked me multiple times about my "situation", talked about being compatible, called me back to her house to spend the night, said me showing up to the concert as her best b-day gift, texted me back after spending the night with her and said she had a good time hanging out with me for 2 days, and then texted me this ""You make me smile. I am into you, for sure". I really feel like I've been following her lead.As far as my marriage, we are working on getting the papers drawn up asap and I'm actually doing a lot of therapy to work on things that I brought to the marriage that helped lead it to it's demise. Ann knows this and we've talked about things quite a bit.
I wasn't looking for another relationship in any shape or form because I'm trying to work on myself. This materialized and I feel like I'm making an exception with her for a few reasons: 1.) We've been friends for at least 8 years so we already know a lot about each other, share many of the same friends, and I think she's somebody exceptional enough to take a chance on and wait a bit for to see if there might be a time when things are right. 2.) We've both said we had feelings for each other and I feel this is a situation that deserves a consideration on my part.
I respect her situation more than anything and for my own well being, I do not want to have a relationship with her daughter in any shape or form right now because I'm a step dad and I already have a close relationship with my wife's son and I emotionally do not feel it's right for me to be another stepdad right now. This also falls in line with her wishes. The real dad is fully in the picture and Ann feels that she's not ready to bring someone new into her life unless it's done very slowly and carefully.
Right now, until I am divorced, I don't want to do anything except spend time with her and get to know her better. You both are definitely right, I need to contain myself and chill out. I have nothing but the greatest respect that she doesn't want to be "that woman" and I don't want to her to be "that woman" either. I don't want to be "that guy" either.
I would suggest you work on divorcing. Inform her you are divorcing your wife and you enjoy her company. One thing you may want to consider, you hanging around her, having sex with her and going places with her may cause problems for both you and her during your divorce. Take care of your divorce and then step up the relationship with her. Sounds to me she doesn't want to get any deeper vested in the relationship so anyone will get hurt.
It sounds like you are trying to make the right moves. Use your therapist to help you chill out and don't be in a hurry with this relationship.You may not create new Love Advice Forum threadsYou may not post repliesYou may not post attachmentsYou may not edit your postsForum RulesGood luck
our relationship is fine; be he isntt and I feel absolutely terrible that I cannot really do anythinng to help :'( have I ever lost contact with him before? Only once when he got a new cell phone, cuz his broke but that doesn't really count and it was for like 3 days. 