so let me tell you a lil about myself, i was a very shy kid growing up. I had no self esteem what so ever because everyone in school beat it out of me. So i never have too much faith in myself, nor do i believe i am good looking. Ive been through years of emotional abuse form my peers that ive accepted that im diffrent, ugly, and not attractive. mind you this, those are the same words everyone has told me, especially beautiful people. and because of that i have a prejudice against "outter" beauty. to me if your pretty your guilty until proven innocent. I know that isnt fair and extremely harsh but life wasnt fair to me so why should i make it fair for anyone else.

I was very angry at the world for making me feel this way, i hated everyone, never loved anyone. pain, sorrow, anger, fear were the only things i knew in highschool. It was literally the fight of the fittest. So i did what i had to to survive. But during that time i met someone special that was able to turn that all around, to ignore the sins of what i am and in turn gave me love. Ive never been in love before and it was my first serious relationship. She was very cute but had serious anxiety and social issues. But i helped her cope and gave her the strength to take on life. Those were the best 3 years in my life. but sadly things ended,i never knew exactly why but we went our separate ways. ever since then ive felt empty.

it took me a while, about 2 years to finally go out and try to move on from her. but still these feeling still dwelled within me. Low self esteem, no confidence. I did get to meet someone really nice. we went on a few dates, things were going smooth. then her ex texted her. she then started to act weird, she said she was going to meet him and i was afraid she was gonna go back to him. Because she still does have feelings for him. I told her that i liked her and wanted to be with her. She freaked out and said this isnt what she wanted, she didnt want to be in a relationship.. after that i havent heard form her in a month, she texted me randomly one day and asked how i was doing, i was still mad at her but tried to be nice. we talked for a while and i ended up finding out shes in a relationship......... so the very thing she didint want a month ago she has now?

That just did it for me, i told her off and never spoke to her again. I feel like she dumped all of her emotional baggage onto me, and when that other guy asked her out she had no issues with it. But with me theyre was so much wrong. So this guy gets this girl easily while i had to struggle with her baggage and end up with nohing. I swear life likes to mess with me. So for a while i gave up on dateing, noone was interested in me and to be honest i didnt think anyone was really worth it after that disaster.

I still had some feeling for my ex and i rarely talked to her. but secretly i wanted to be with her again, but i knew that wasnt going to happen. I just put it in the back of my mind and tried not to think about and still tried to move on. a year passes and i meet this new girl at our college, she was very pretty. she honestly looked like a model, anyways i started talking to her and things took off better than the last one. She always look so happy when she saw me, shed always call me/text, We went to so many places together and had so much fun. Hell even on my birthday she spent the night at my house and slept with me in my bed(and no nothing more happend, but it was nice) it was the first time i went to bed with a female next to me. I talked to some of my trusted friends about her and stuff and they even say that when were together they can see she likes me.

And she prolly was waiting for me to say something. only problem is she said she was moving to cali beginning of that next year. SO i was afraid shed say no because of that. but you never know anything can happen. but anyways she also mentioned about her ex that cheated on her and hurt her bad and she didint want to be in a relationship and in the back of my head i go (oh no not this again) but i stayed optomistic thinking things would be diffrent. so after hanging out with her more and staying over my house again (again nothing else happend). I finally took her to a nice spot in the park for a late night picknick. I was so nervous yet excited for this day, my friends and parents were cheerin me on cuz they knew i got this. haha silly isnt it? So i was straight forward with it i told her "I know your gonna move and stuff, but i want you to be my girlfriend", she smiled and told me "but you already know why i cant". great i failed yet again, i still tried to be friends after that but to be honest i was tired and wanted her to start trying with me. Yet she never really talked to me and neither did I. Id see her but i would just keep walking like i didnt know her.

Then a month goes by and she posts on facebook that shes in a relationship. I swear to god i was ****ing pissed, i really wanted to flip my table because why the **** did the same exact **** happen to me, twice in a row ????!!!! Oh my god it was so bad, i called her out on it and she gave this stupid reason that she felt something. I called bullshit because regardless she didnt want to be with anyone because of her situation. Yet there she was, with him....... ugh. That last experince really ****ed me up. She teased the hell outta me, gave me so many signs that she was interested. Like yanking away food from a hungry dogs mouth. she never moved btw so go figure.

I vowed i was done, Noone is ****ing worth it. I wont find that person to be loving with, and im not going to try because the same result happens every time. And it really sucks because im a very loving person, im the kind of guy that wants someone over to hold and kiss, to share some laughs and just be really intimate. hell i ****ing write really lovey kinds of stories that people enjoy reading. Yet for the life of me i can never find anyone interested. I just think my abilities are being wasted. Theyre are guys who always get girls but have no idea what theyre doing. I for one know what i want and know what im doing but noone else does and that really bothers me. I feel like a dieing breed. i have a better chance of getting hit by lightning twice on a clear sunny day than a girl saying yes to me.

I tried a lil to be with someone but to be honest i just lost that motivation, noone intrigues me nor do they fit the criteria im looking for. My standards arnt too high but apparently they are. I look for someone sweet, kind, loving, who isnt afraid of giving love a chance and if theyre a virgin, i mean im still a virgin too ya know, but i dont rush things i just like knowing theyre saving themselves for the right one just like me. But shame on my for asking for all those things, my friends try to convince me on changing my standards but to be honest i dont wanna go out with a slut with no morals and values like the rest of my friends do.

I only want a good girl i can get along with, have alot of common interests, and share that love, because at the end of the day i return to my big ass bed alone clenching my bed sheet and thinking up of romantic things for my characters in my stories. Romantic moments i wish i had, but i know i cant have. so its near xmas (2013) and i tried talking to my ex and tried to hang out with her, but she just told me that we have to move on and stuff. Its been 4 years since we broke up, ive held out hope for so long and that just erased the last traces of hope i have. So now its the new year and now i feel hollow, emotionless, nobody can understand the pain im in because they have someone to go home to. It would be nice to hear someone whos going through the same things as me, id feel a lil better, but i havent met any.

ever since i broke up with my ex ive slowly lost emotinal interest in alot of things, during these 4 years ive been betrayed by 2 "bestfriends", so now i dont have best friends just friends. I only rely on myself for other things. ANd now its gotten worse and like i said its now all gone, i see nothing attractive in women whatso ever, and no i dont like men either. when i see a girl, my mind just instantly thinks "ugh how disguisting" because of all the mistreatment all these years i truly dont see any beauty in anyone. and when i do theyre always taken. Dont get me wrong im a fun person to be around, i make everyone laugh and have a good time.

Its strange but i can make people feel better about themselves and be happy, thing is tho ive never met anyone who can return that favor for me. Theyre only certain things family and friends can give me, but theyre are those other things a lover can give me. In case you were wondering no it isnt sex, im still a virgin. I only seek compassion and intimacy, you know like that lovey dovey stuff. My hearts needs love but noone is here to provide, nor are they worthy of providing that love.

I really dont know what to do, i mean i guess i can just focus on work and stuff, and when i have money then maybe someone will like me, but then you gotta ask yourself. Do they like me for me or my money? and i dont wanna try forcing myself to like someone, ive tried and the results werent good. ive experimented with my heart too much and now im tired and empty, i have nothing else to give. Yet i still have all these thoughts of being with someone loving. The only things that get you anywhere in this world is good looks, money and power. which i have none. I think i might start wearing a mask to hide my uglyness and see if someone actually like who i am on the inside, and doesnt start judging my looks immediately. hell i really want to consider plastic surgery to reveal the inner beauty i have locked away.

I do plan on doing something tho, I do plan on studying the mind more. so i can build a machine that allows you to sleep and you can have full control and have what you want. and at this point the only things that make me happy dont exist, I wanted a family but i dont see that happening, so i might as well sleep and forever live in a state of extacy. Sounds crazy right? yea i know, but when you have no more hope, faith, motivation to continue life, that seems like a better solution than death.

I know im goin to get so many responses saying "oh dont give up" trust me ive held out for long enough and if youve been reading my story youd see that love is something i cant have. I am "cursed". and i doubt any of you are going through the same feelings as me, noone can comfort me, make me happy, make me want to love. Im just a shell of a broken man that life continues to beat up for no god damn reason. So say what you want. Maybe i should move because sin city is a ****** place for love, its ll nothing but plastic. but i cant move yet, so im stuck here being miserable. If anyone gives me that attention they better be prepaired for a long ride because trust is something i have with everyone, and if your tough enough to endure all of it then you are more than worthy of having me, but as i said im not gonna try. its time women start trying for me.

Oh yea and i know my whole story sounds crazy, ****ed up, ridiculous but that is my life and it just gets worse. You wanna call me names because of how i think and operate go ahead. Just ask yourself are you really in a better position to judge me? because its people like you who created a monster that is me, ive been abused by all of you for so long and now that ive become something less human you still have the nerve to stand there and call me anything less, when your the ones guilty of this sin. exactly because in reality i was an innocent kid and you were the real monsters that tortured me and like i said....... you have to do what you can..... to survive, even if its things your not proud of.