Hello,

This is a very very long story, I'm really sorry for the long post! But here goes. Ill sum it up in the last paragraph anyway.

I met a girl a long time ago end of 2010. She had just come out of a bad relationship but there was some chemistry between us. But nothing happened, we became really close friends, but it was more than a friendship...but nothing ever happened, there was just a tonne of tension. I did like her at the start, but I kept it to myself, I enjoyed our friendship, she became like a sister, like and after just coming out of a bad relationship with an abusive boyfriend, I was there for her. These feelings went away eventually, and we were still good friends but we argued like a married couple, we got jealous for stupid reasons, hurt each other, just because I think, there was so much tension. We both knew we had a connection.

We got distant, then we started getting close again towards Christmas 2011. I could tell she liked me this time. Then in January 2012 we were both out one night, and she took me to one side told me she liked me. We went straight into a relationship after that. Committed literally from that night. But, I messed up. I was still immature, I didn't think about the future. I was so casual. After 2 months it ended, she ended it saying I was too immature, which now I can see. But at the time I was angry and upset. We wanted to be friends after, but in reality we couldn't, we didn't get along, we annoyed each other so much. After we broke up, I realised I loved her, I basically begged for her to come back. This of course was stupid, it made us more distant, she started dating another guy. She went for a term in america for her uni course, in a long distance relationship with the guy she had just recently met. And we stopped talking completely.

She logged into my Facebook when she left for america, and found messages about her, that were horrible. I was very two-faced the whole time. I was embarrassed of my feelings for her so I spoke to my friends about her, everything was very harshly said. After that, we stopped contact completely. Then start of December 2012 I get a call from an unknown number. It was her, at first she was shy and put it down straight away, then called again to talk. She didn't even know why she called, she just wanted to sort things. She had broken up with the guy she was dating, but did still have strong feelings for him. In reality, we were friends so much longer than we were a couple, so that's mainly what our relationship was; close friendship and it's what she was calling to repair.

She came back to London, we met a few times, went for dinner. She started seeing the same guy again, but I didn't care because I didn't just want her for more than friendship, I loved being friends with her, and I do now. She spoke to me about the problems with the guy she was dating, she was really upset about it. Then she went back to Uni (not in London, I now live in london and left uni) away from me and found out the guy she was dating had cheated on her. While she was in America, and when she got back and they got together. She was distraught. It was painful hearing someone you love that hurt over the phone, crying. They broke up of course, she had found out through random people she met he had cheated, and he never admitted it.

Over the next few weeks after, they were on and off, she was finding it hard to go back to him, but he used her as a possession, she was often upset. I've been there for her. I visited her as a surprise and she really enjoyed it, she had a really good time. But still she kept going back to him briefly, then would get upset and break down and tell me about it. Now I think the situation is over, she's tired of going back to a guy that's cheated on her but can't help it, she hates him but she loves him, but she knows in reality its just lust.

I visited her for the day to comfort her, she had a really good time, we just relaxed, nothing happened. But now after all this, she's been so upset and needed someone there, I've been there. But I've become protective, I care for her more than all of my other friends, I really do love her more than anything. I don't know what it is though, is this brotherly love?

Sometimes I feel like I love her like family, but then maybe I'm just trying to hide from the fact that I'm in love with her but I'm just scared to admit it and lose her all over again?

I have a massively high opinion of her, I think she's perfect, and amazing in so many ways. and I desperately want her to be happy

It really is confusing, I don't know my own feelings and I'm afraid of them. I know she doesn't have more intentions, I have spoken to her before we promised we wouldn't ever, she got mad once when she thought I had more intentions of our friendship. I feel so guilty because if I tell her I love her, she will be so angry, and I will lose someone I care about so much. Recently I've felt the same tension, the same kind of awkwardness between us. We have the same chemistry. I think we always will. And it's so hard to deal with. I think about her all the time, I worry about her, I just hope she's happy all the time everyday.

What do I do? How can I deal with this? We live far away while she's at Uni. and even if I do tell her, I'll lose her definitely.

I think I have to either be patient if I really do want her, or just end this friendship so I can move on completely.

For now I'm going to try distance myself, stop making so much effort and stop trying to care so much. Concentrate on my life but still be there for her.

I feel like I need to wait for an opportunity to say anything, to do something. Because this can't be forced, I can't simply tell her while she's still trying to get over someone else. She needs a friend, but I feel guilty; I was never friends for her just because I wanted a relationship, but she will see it as the only reason for my friendship.

To summarise, I feel like I'm in love with my best female friend, despite the fact we dated before, but we were friends much longer, but I'm not even sure. She's been through a tough time with guys and I've been there, but it's made me care for her even more. I don't know how what to do, she's always on my mind and truthfully I can see a future with her. But she's getting over another guy, plus I know she doesn't have the same feelings anymore. What do I do?

Really sorry for the mini novel, I hope someone does read it.