Do Men Just Want To Get In My Pants? Is Chivalry Really Dead?

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Are you tired of going from hookup to hookup? Are you wondering if chivalry is dead, after all? If so, help is on the way.

In this video, author and YourTango Expert Maya Ezratti explains that when a woman actively pursues dating a man, she gets in his way. "The problem that we're facing in today's world is that women are pursuing men. Women are taking away the thrill from the guy," she says. "How does a guy have a chance to be a gentleman if you're doing all the work for him?"

More from YourTango: How Do I Trust Men Again?

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Boyfriend won't wear pants in relationship

Hello,
I've been dating my boyfriend for over two years now. I'm 22 he's 26. We've had our ups and downs but I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the kid. But there lies our biggest issue - he's 26 years old and I still refer to him as a kid.
A little background info - my boyfriend is head over heels in love with me, refers to me as the girl of his dreams, etc. I've never had any guy feel that way about me, so naturally I was attracted to that. He's a funny, attractive guy who, at least at the beginning of our relationship, made me feel like a princess. Nowadays, he will still talk to me like I'm his perfect girl, but he is not contributing anything to this relationship anymore. And by contributing, as sad as it is for me to say, I mean money. As in, he hasn't paid for ANYTHING for weeks. Food, groceries, drinks, nothing. He is currently jobless, has been jobless for about 4 months, and JUST started looking for a job maybe about two weeks ago. Needless to say job searching isn't going well, because he has no ambition to do anything. He's too scared to apply places, he will sit at his computer for maybe an hour a day and apply places online (which btw he still hasn't heard anything back) and then proceed to play video games or hang out. This means that me, a part-time waitress who already is making no money, has to spend all my money on us and our relationship. It's been going on like this for months. I'm at a breaking point. We faced a similar situation about six months ago and I ended up going crazy and breaking up with him, we were broken up for about a month during which time he seemed to get his life back in order. He was working out, being healthy, working full-time, and making new friends, all to try to win me back. Needless to say it worked, but as soon as we got back together things started to go back to the way they were. I'm heartbroken it's come to this, I truly am, and I'm constantly stressed and depressed over me dwindling savings. I know that I shouldn't be in this situation, and I'm also helping enable him to act this way, but I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. We've talked about it many times and he apologizes and says he's trying so hard to find a job, but I know he's not, and it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. I live with my parents a block away from his apartment, so I have no bills to pay, but I'm still dead broke because I'm trying to make sure he's secure and isn't going hungry. I can't move on from living at my parents because I can't get a proper savings going. He hasn't taken me on a date since we started dating again, about SIX MONTHS AGO. I'm going crazy here, and I don't want to freak out again and just break up with him out of nowhere, but I feel like it's leading up to that.
I'm young, motivated, and genuine and I just want to be happy and be in a healthy relationship. But that's not happening. I would give anything to save this relationship but I know it's all up to him now, and he doesn't have much longer to prove to me he's worth sticking around for. I don't really know how to handle this anymore; I don't know if anyone's ever been in a situation like this but I really don't know what next step to take. I just can't keep living like this.

I'm young, motivated, and genuine and I just want to be happy and be in a healthy relationship. But that's not happening. I would give anything to save this relationship but I know it's all up to him now, and he doesn't have much longer to prove to me he's worth sticking around for. I believe you are those things you stated and you deserve to be in a happy and healthy relationship. Your boyfriend isn't motivated. He wants someone to care for him. I'm sorry to say this but he's a bum. Life is too short to waste your time with a bum. He doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a mommy. I know it's going to hurt but your relationship with him is on borrowed time. I think you know that too. I don't really know how to handle this anymore; I don't know if anyone's ever been in a situation like this but I really don't know what next step to take. I just can't keep living like this. I think you already know what you're going to have to do. You're a good person because I know you don't want to hurt his feelings and you don't want to feel bad for breaking up with the boy. I also believe you already know it's going to happen sooner or later.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? A friend, a family member? Teacher? Counselor?

I wish you the best. Maybe you can keep in touch. There are some pretty good people here that can offer encouragement.

I agree with the "mommy" statement Jedediah said above...that he wants a mom, not a girlfriend. He may be a great guy, and I'm sure you care very much for him, but if he's 26 and unemployed and unmotivated, and you're basically being bled bone-dry here, why stay in it? You deserve to be taken care of, or at least treated as an equal, not as a (for lack of a better term) "sugar mama".

Definitely give it some thought, but it doesn't sound like he's putting his best foot forward here to make the situation better for you two as a couple.

My friends call me "The Love Guru" (but nothing like Mike Myers!).

If you're looking for dating tips, I've got some awesome recommendations!
Online Daters
"Real Life" Dating for Men
"Real Life" Dating for Women

For everything else, I'm just gonna give you my personal opinion, and you'll just have to like it! Just kidding, but I'll do my best.

I agree! You are older than him and I guess he just likes that mom figure in his life. He is young, so you can't expect much. I was reading a story about a certain celebrity who only seems to be attracted older women. And someone mentioned his mother was never a motherly figure in his life, she was like a stage mom instead actually being mother. He looks for the love he didn't receive by his mother in older women. Maybe that's his problem.

Last edited by nash22; 08-18-2012 at 04:57 AM.

I've been in a similar position myself, so I can empathise. I confronted my ex about it, and things got better for about a month. He made an effort, helped me in the house, cooked, did laundry and stuff, and said he'd start looking for work. He never actually started looking for work, and fairly soon, he stopped helping me with anything, and was more concerned with things like gaming, and things like Second Life. He didn't seem overly concerned about the actual life he had with me.

Since I'd already asked him to try, and that dwindled within the month, I ended up leaving. He begged me to come back, he even started making an effort, but it was too little too late, as far as I was concerned. If I'd have stayed, I'd have been enabling him all over again, and that's too draining, and not at all fair.

To be honest, he's probably not going to change. You shouldn't be supporting him to live in his own place, he should be looking after himself. The only real way to get him to do that, is walk away. He's not going to grow up, until he realises he has to do things for himself.

It's funny. I had to re-read the post. You're the younger one in this relationship? It seems he wants to be taken care of like a child. You can't do that in a relationship. You should both be contributing. You can start to resent him. He is the one who can fix this. You can't make him stand up and grow up. He has to do it for himself.

Thank you for all the great advice, I kinda know what I have to do now. Time to find a guy who doesn't have mommy issues.

MOA (move on already)! You can't change a person to be who you want. And if a person has to change in order for you to be happy with him, and he hasn't shown any interest or motivation in changing, you're wasting your time staying with him. Don't wait until you have another guy lined up; make a clean break now and focus on yourself for a while.

Nice post Evilsprinkles i think i can help you more..
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I agree fully that its time to leave him. I've been in that situation where my guy was picking up small work like cutting grass and doing erands for people (no set hrs or gurenteed good pay), carless, and living with granny- great guy and great personality but I kept breaking up because he wasnt as drivin as myself. Your situation is exactly the same and I had to realize that him not being on my level- ambitious and wanting the best for myself- was always going to cause problems and draw us apart. You need someone who wants better and is going for better.

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