Before you find love, you should be complete on your own. Miley Cyrus did it and so do a lot of women. Are you guilty of this love trap? Many women base their understanding of love on popular culture. Girl meets boy. Boy makes girl feel special. Together they overcome obstacles and find freedom. The end. Love may be everything. But putting the burden on the other person in the relationship screws up the very thing you crave. Arriving broken, in the hope that someone else has contains loves chicken soup, seems like a recipe for disaster. A bowl a day may keep loneliness at bay for a while, but without equality in a twosome, one person is always over compensating, while the other drinks more than their share.
Ever feel like you want to love and be loved, yet fear seems to win in the long run? The relationship starts out with so much promise, you are both floating cloud nine, feeling connected and complete. Then the unwanted guests arrive, like doubt and dissatisfaction. Still you love your mate, he makes you whole, and leaving means you will be alone again, living on the sidelines. Why risk changing anything?
More from YourTango: Sex Has a Lot To Do With How We Live Our LivesIs that love or fear you feel? Most of us don’t know the difference. We look to others to heal us. If you want to be loved without fear you must learn to love yourself first. As you are. Improvements are always an option, but if you don't start by loving the package, you will have a hell of a time getting all of you on board for the ride.
Miley Cyrus shared with Barbara Walters that she was so scared of ever being alone adding "I don't ever want to have to need someone again, where you feel like, without them, you can't be yourself." This refrain is a familiar fear of many women, from teenagers to those over fifty. What a tragedy. Women are somehow under the impression that a a man makes you whole. Fed on a diet that a woman is nothing without her man, fostered by quaint expressions like "left on the shelf" and those popular romance movies that are all about the woman who got her man.
Miley Cyrus may not be your role model, but her familiar fear is kept alive by how we grow our girls — encouraging them to see their value in having a man in their life. To know sweet and powerful love, that you don’t hide behind, or fear to leave because being alone is terrifying, requires the thing we fear the most: to love yourself first.
Finding a man is easier when you are clear about who you are looking for, and that means you need to know who you are. If you are ready to expand your love, what qualities do you want in your partner? Non-negotiable first, frills after foundation. Make a list: Sense of humor? Willing to bare his heart? Romantic? Tender? Easy to talk to? Comforting? Drill down. Take a look at these qualities you desire, picture exactly what you mean when you write each word and get as specific as you can. Next answer the question WHY? next to every quality you desire. Why do you want someone who has a sense of humor? Because you love to laugh? Could it be that you feel too serious? Is there something in you that needs help with having more fun? Does it expand your heart?
Then write down what you love about yourself (be generous) and then the ones you find fault with. What does your dream man think about the parts of you you don’t like? Is he going tell you he loves all of you, even those moments when you have a meltdown and stomp your feet? Will he fix the problem for you? Tell you even though stomping hasn't worked up till now, he will give you whatever you desire? Do you imagine him holding you in his arms, rocking you like a child as you cry out the bitterness and tears of those fears of not being heard?
Who is this imaginary lover, who will make you a better person? Complete you? Laugh at your jokes and bring you breakfast in bed? Are you ready to be a child in someone else’s life or do you need to find compassion and love for you in your life? I believe when you fall in love with you, when you hold within you all the qualities you want your love to have, you will not fear living alone. And when that man shows up, and he will, if you open your heart, fearlessly, knowing you are lovable and human, you will be able to love in freedom and not in expectation.
If you worry about losing yourself in love, or want to be able to help yourself to living with more love within, click on this link to sign up for your free report ‘How to Say No without being pushy or a pushover’ at www.JenDuchene.com. Love needs borders to expand.
More from YourTango: Why Talking Openly About Sex Is Important For WomenMore love advice on YourTango:
AuthorJen Duchene
Sacred Design Expert & La Chic Soul Speak Translator
Ready to Discover The Deeper Meaning Of Your Life?
Book your 'La Chic Soul Speak' Session with Jen Duchene
Catalyst Clearings | Soul Readings | Sacred Numbers | Divine Designs
Direct Connect: 650.644.8592
Social Connect: La Chic Soul Speak on Facebook
AUTHOR OF: Le Chic Cocoon
WEB: JenDuchene.com
Other Articles/News by Jen Duchene:By Jen DucheneMany women are terrified of the big 50. Everything starts to sag. Breasts, thighs and skin. Suddenly it sounds like you are a chicken. Yet this moment is actually magic. No I am not crazy. When the skin sags, and wrinkles appear, you can finally breathe through the plastic. The Barbie hymen is broken, you have survived the ... Read moreBy Jen Duchene, Carin Goldstein MFT, Marla Martenson, Kelly Rudolph, Melanie GormanWe know it's bad for us, but for some reason we just can't help it: we're a culture of people-pleasers! Do you ever feel like you're saying yes to everyone... except yourself? Relationship experts Jen Duchene, Carin Goldstein, Marla Martenson and Kelly Rudolph got together in a new video with YourTango Experts Senior VP Melanie Gorman to ... Read moreBy Jen DucheneGetting divorced can still carry a sting, like something got broken. For me, a stale union disbanded means something has been fixed for good. For my good and the good of those I love. If it feels right, it can't be wrong. Letting go of what no longer serves is such a delicious morsel. You can opt to blame your ex, and feel dumped or sadly used. Perhaps ... Read moreSee More
Finely.. Uncover The Douche Bag Code Men Seem To have And Bring IN To Their Relationships. 
‘Tis the season of holiday gifts wrapped under the tree but the greatest gift of all is self-love. 
Create unique relationships that fit your post-divorce needs.Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.
YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.
Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…
Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.
So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?
What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?See more resources>
One tips? Stop trying to be with someone who is the opposite sex version of yourself. Is your list of dealbreakers superficial?