Why Your 'Issues' Are Causing You To Make Bad Dating Decisions

He didn't want to be your boyfriend...but you persisted. Sometimes what makes a person feel attracted to another comes from a place of unresolved issues.

How can you tell if you're always falling for the wrong type of person? It's always feels right, after all. To start, ask yourself if you can relate to the following three statements.  

Repeatedly drawn to people who do not want to be in a relationship with you.Repeatedly in relationships that are dramatic and don't end the way you'd want them to.Repeatedly not developing feelings for people who treat you well.

If you are guilty of any of the above, your relationship choices are likely coming from unresolved personal issues.

More from YourTango: Why We Need To Stop Sl*t-Shaming Each Other (Once And For All)

In my therapy practice, I've seen too many people in pain because a person they are convinced is right for them chooses not to be in a relationship with them. Usually these people tell me, "But this person feels so right for me. I can't imagine myself with anyone else! Is it possible for something that feels so right, to be wrong?”

The answer is yes. Sometimes what makes a person feel attracted to another comes from a place of unresolved issues. And when you're operating from a place of unresolved issues, it can actually be dangerous to trust your 'instincts'. Here are a few examples of repeatedly falling for the wrong person, even though it feels right. 

A woman who finds herself particularly attracted to angry men out of a desire to heal him with her love, something her mother was unsuccessful at with her angry father.A man who finds himself repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable women, trying to get the love from her he so desperately sought from his emotionally unavailable mother.A person who feels compelled to get the approval of someone who won't give it to them out of a need to validate their worthiness because of earlier experiences that made them feel unworthy.

These are just some examples of the many ways filling a need, re-enacting an old wound, or trying to right a wrong from the past subconsciously contributes to who people seek love from, and who they're not interested in for a relationship. Sometimes the very love or treatment they crave is available to them in the form of potential partners that come into their lives, but if they don't have to struggle for it, they may not recognize it because it does not feel familiar, and they may let it pass them by.

Even in a working, committed relationship some of the attraction is coming from a place of unresolved issues. The difference is that it's happening between two available, capable partners that are just as or nearly as interested in working through it. And that work can be very fulfilling and bring the couple to an even deeper level of love when it's mutual. But without a partner that's available and interested in the work, a person can end up repeatedly hurt or disappointed. The result is chasing after a relationship that they want but are not going to get and unavailable for the love they want, in relationships they can get.

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Stop Self Sabatoging! 5 Decisions That Are Working Against You

By Ché Blackwood for Cupid’s Pulse

Self-help books and passive aggressive coworkers are always reminding us “You’re your own worst enemy,” and while we usually tend to roll our eyes at both… they’ve got a point. It’s easy to point out the flaws of those around us, especially those around us with really cute boyfriends, but it’s not as easy to recognize our own shortcomings. While exes, old friends and your mother can probably tell you one hundred different reasons why you’re to blame for the things your life is lacking, their negativity isn’t doing helping you to remedy your issues. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with us or our lives, it’s more proactive to recognize the behaviors we exhibit that keep us from ditching our dire ways. Self-sabotage is a sneaky little monster, and you can’t get rid of it until you know how it works. Stop making the same mistakes and get to the root of the problem by focusing on this list of all-too-common anti-self behaviors.

1. Cut Out the Overly High Expectations: If you go on a first date and decide afterward that he’s your future husband, you’ve set your expectations way too high. Now, the first time he lets you down, he’s not a new beau that’s made a mistake. Instead, he’s your husband-to-be and his actions hold a lot more weight than the relationship merits. The same can be said for expecting a $10,000 raise after one year on the job or by expecting your new friend to house sit while you’re away on a two week cruise to the Bahamas. If you set your expectations unreasonably high, you’re not staying grounded, and that will definitely blowup in your face. The more blowups you have, the less you’re going to accomplish. Instead, keep your expectations sane! If you’re let down, you have a right to be upset and can create a plan to keep that disappointment from returning. At least then you’ll have the ability to move forward.

Related: Five Things to Look for In a Wife

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Making Big Decisions

After much deliberation, Ben and I decided that the Mediterranean restaurant was the way to go. He was really sweet about it, telling me it was important to him that I have my dream wedding, but practicality won out. Unless we’re going to hire a wedding planner, doing the farmhouse will just be too much work. And a wedding planner seems too extravagant. Jenna offered to do it for free, but she’s already my maid of honor, which comes with its own set of obligations. I’d like to minimize the work my friends have to do for my wedding, and maximize the fun.

Ben and I were in the middle of comparing work schedules for the following day and figuring out who would have time to call the restaurant and hammer out the details, when Jenna called. She demanded to be put on speakerphone.

“You guys, I have the perfect space for you,” she began.

“Where are you?” I asked. “It sounds loud.”

“I’m here! Where you’re getting married!”

She gave us the scoop. An old gothic church that had been through various incarnations—nightclub, movie theater, flea market—had been granted historic status, and undergone renovation. They had reopened last week as an event space.

“It’s beautiful,” she said. “They have their own event staff, who handle all of the decorations, and one exclusive caterer, who I’ve worked with before and really like. And it’s totally affordable!”

“When can we see it?” Ben asked. He looked excited.

“Right now! I’ll text you the address!”

Ben and I got dressed and headed out to meet her. When we arrived, there were beautiful people in beautiful clothes spilling out onto the sidewalk. Jenna was waiting for us by the door in skinny black pants, stilettos and a fitted black jacket.

“Um, I don’t think we’re dressed for this,” I said, looking down at my jeans, brown flats and cardigan.

“Sorry. I should have warned you. There’s a fashion event here tonight. It doesn’t matter, though. Come in!”

She ushered us inside, and my mouth dropped. The darkness and heaviness of the church was offset by hundreds, maybe even thousands, of small twinkling lights. Jenna walked us through the various spaces we could use for the ceremony, cocktail hour, etc., and when we got to the large, lush green courtyard, I made my decision.

“Ben, I want to get married here,” I said.

“Me too,” he said, taking my hand.

And! They even had a white, modern-looking chapel space. When we got to that room, Jenna said, “Yeah, they’re going after the wedding market super hard.”

“How is this place affordable?” I asked.

“It has something to do with being listed as a historic site,” Jenna explained. “Because it was a church once, they get some sort of tax break if they perform weddings here, but they lose it if they make over a certain amount. It’s really complicated, but all I know is, you’re getting married here and you won’t blow your budget. And Leslie and I are probably going to have an event here like every week.”

I called this morning, and set up an appointment with the woman who books events. As it turns out, I can be practical and have the wedding of my dreams! Also, do I have the best maid of honor, or what?

Posted at 12:46 PM

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Decisions, Decisions

You guys, Tex and Meg are pregnant!

I’d met up with the two of them, and Brad, for happy hour after work. The first thing I noticed was that Meg wasn’t drinking beer. She had something clear and fizzy in front of her.

“What are you drinking?” I asked.

“Seltzer.”

“Are you pregnant?”

Tex choked on his drink. Brad looked confused. Meg looked helpless. No one said anything for a full 10 seconds.

“Yes,” she finally said. “But I’m only five weeks.”

“Congratulations!” I said.

Meg told us the story, with occasional interruptions from Tex. They’d never planned on having kids, but Meg had gotten sick with the stomach flu and had a hard time keeping food down, let alone birth control pills. When she found out she was pregnant, neither of them could believe how happy they were about it.

“We’re going to name the kid something super obnoxious and Hollywood,” she said. “Like Tree. Or Cantaloupe.”

Tex lifted his glass to take a drink, and I noticed he wasn’t drinking beer either.

“You pregnant, too?” I asked.

“Solidarity,” he said with a smile.

When I got home, Ben was just getting in from dinner with Neil, who is still devastated after getting dumped by Ursula. I filled him in on Tex and Meg's news.

“You want to watch a movie?” he suggested.

“I kind of wanted to hole myself up and write,” I explained. “Only one more class left, and I need more girly fiction to torture James with.”

“So when do I get to read this novel?” he asked.

“Novel-in-progress.”

“So when do I get to read this novel-in-progress?”

“Soon.”

I grabbed a glass of water and headed into the office to work. Only I didn’t work. I started writing this. And I did some thinking. Once I finish the novel, then what excuse will I have to hide out in the office and blog? And also, now that we live together, it’s feeling increasingly weird to sit in another room and write about him without his knowledge. I really didn’t expect to feel this way. I just know that if the tables were turned, and I found out that Ben was doing what I’m doing, I’d probably be upset. Let’s do a pros/cons list of telling Ben about the blog, shall we? I love a good list.

Pros:

He might not want to read it

Will no longer feel guilty

Won’t have to lie anymore

I won’t have any more secrets

Cons:

He might want to read it

Will feel incredibly guilty about all the things I’ve written bout him if/when he reads them

Won’t be able to write about whatever I want anymore

I won’t have any more secrets

Well, that wasn’t helpful at all, was it? I need to give it some more thought, obviously. In the meantime, I should probably work on the novel. Needing to make sure at least part of what you’ve told someone is the truth is a great motivator for getting things done. I highly recommend it.

Posted at 11:01 PM

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Decisions, Decisions

You guys, Tex and Meg are pregnant!

I’d met up with the two of them, and Brad, for happy hour after work. The first thing I noticed was that Meg wasn’t drinking beer. She had something clear and fizzy in front of her.

“What are you drinking?” I asked.

“Seltzer.”

“Are you pregnant?”

Tex choked on his drink. Brad looked confused. Meg looked helpless. No one said anything for a full 10 seconds.

“Yes,” she finally said. “But I’m only five weeks.”

“Congratulations!” I said.

Meg told us the story, with occasional interruptions from Tex. They’d never planned on having kids, but Meg had gotten sick with the stomach flu and had a hard time keeping food down, let alone birth control pills. When she found out she was pregnant, neither of them could believe how happy they were about it.

“We’re going to name the kid something super obnoxious and Hollywood,” she said. “Like Tree. Or Cantaloupe.”

Tex lifted his glass to take a drink, and I noticed he wasn’t drinking beer either.

“You pregnant, too?” I asked.

“Solidarity,” he said with a smile.

When I got home, Ben was just getting in from dinner with Neil, who is still devastated after getting dumped by Ursula. I filled him in on Tex and Meg's news.

“You want to watch a movie?” he suggested.

“I kind of wanted to hole myself up and write,” I explained. “Only one more class left, and I need more girly fiction to torture James with.”

“So when do I get to read this novel?” he asked.

“Novel-in-progress.”

“So when do I get to read this novel-in-progress?”

“Soon.”

I grabbed a glass of water and headed into the office to work. Only I didn’t work. I started writing this. And I did some thinking. Once I finish the novel, then what excuse will I have to hide out in the office and blog? And also, now that we live together, it’s feeling increasingly weird to sit in another room and write about him without his knowledge. I really didn’t expect to feel this way. I just know that if the tables were turned, and I found out that Ben was doing what I’m doing, I’d probably be upset. Let’s do a pros/cons list of telling Ben about the blog, shall we? I love a good list.

Pros:

He might not want to read it

Will no longer feel guilty

Won’t have to lie anymore

I won’t have any more secrets

Cons:

He might want to read it

Will feel incredibly guilty about all the things I’ve written bout him if/when he reads them

Won’t be able to write about whatever I want anymore

I won’t have any more secrets

Well, that wasn’t helpful at all, was it? I need to give it some more thought, obviously. In the meantime, I should probably work on the novel. Needing to make sure at least part of what you’ve told someone is the truth is a great motivator for getting things done. I highly recommend it.

Posted at 11:01 PM

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Making Big Decisions

After much deliberation, Ben and I decided that the Mediterranean restaurant was the way to go. He was really sweet about it, telling me it was important to him that I have my dream wedding, but practicality won out. Unless we’re going to hire a wedding planner, doing the farmhouse will just be too much work. And a wedding planner seems too extravagant. Jenna offered to do it for free, but she’s already my maid of honor, which comes with its own set of obligations. I’d like to minimize the work my friends have to do for my wedding, and maximize the fun.

Ben and I were in the middle of comparing work schedules for the following day and figuring out who would have time to call the restaurant and hammer out the details, when Jenna called. She demanded to be put on speakerphone.

“You guys, I have the perfect space for you,” she began.

“Where are you?” I asked. “It sounds loud.”

“I’m here! Where you’re getting married!”

She gave us the scoop. An old gothic church that had been through various incarnations—nightclub, movie theater, flea market—had been granted historic status, and undergone renovation. They had reopened last week as an event space.

“It’s beautiful,” she said. “They have their own event staff, who handle all of the decorations, and one exclusive caterer, who I’ve worked with before and really like. And it’s totally affordable!”

“When can we see it?” Ben asked. He looked excited.

“Right now! I’ll text you the address!”

Ben and I got dressed and headed out to meet her. When we arrived, there were beautiful people in beautiful clothes spilling out onto the sidewalk. Jenna was waiting for us by the door in skinny black pants, stilettos and a fitted black jacket.

“Um, I don’t think we’re dressed for this,” I said, looking down at my jeans, brown flats and cardigan.

“Sorry. I should have warned you. There’s a fashion event here tonight. It doesn’t matter, though. Come in!”

She ushered us inside, and my mouth dropped. The darkness and heaviness of the church was offset by hundreds, maybe even thousands, of small twinkling lights. Jenna walked us through the various spaces we could use for the ceremony, cocktail hour, etc., and when we got to the large, lush green courtyard, I made my decision.

“Ben, I want to get married here,” I said.

“Me too,” he said, taking my hand.

And! They even had a white, modern-looking chapel space. When we got to that room, Jenna said, “Yeah, they’re going after the wedding market super hard.”

“How is this place affordable?” I asked.

“It has something to do with being listed as a historic site,” Jenna explained. “Because it was a church once, they get some sort of tax break if they perform weddings here, but they lose it if they make over a certain amount. It’s really complicated, but all I know is, you’re getting married here and you won’t blow your budget. And Leslie and I are probably going to have an event here like every week.”

I called this morning, and set up an appointment with the woman who books events. As it turns out, I can be practical and have the wedding of my dreams! Also, do I have the best maid of honor, or what?

Posted at 12:46 PM

Find your date here

Making Tough Work Decisions

Yesterday, I had the office to myself. Greg and Tex are in L.A., and Nate never came in. The latter is not so unusual–Nate is often off doing mysterious things. He does answer his phone if we need to reach him, though, so he gets points for that. I had set up two intern interviews, because I thought they'd be less nervous without Greg and Tex listening in. The absence of Nate was an added bonus.

1st candidate:

Molly is 22 years old. She's going to graduate from film school in the Spring. She's super short, like Snooki-sized, with a long brown ponytail, hipster eyeglasses, and Doc Martens. She's a creative type, with a million ideas, a never-ending stream of wry observations on the state of modern filmmaking, and encyclopedic knowledge of every big-and-small-screen documentary to come out in the past 20 years. She loved the small size of the company, and the office. She said it felt "anti-corporate," and like a place where she could have "artistic freedom." I liked her. A lot.

2nd candidate:

Rina is also 22 years old, but she's Molly's polar opposite. She showed up in a suit, with a fresh manicure, light brown hair with blond highlights that had been flat-ironed to perfection, and a resume that was entirely too long for her age and experience level. She's majoring in business and minoring in film, and she wants to eventually get her MBA and open her own film production company. She's really smart about business...probably smarter than Tex, Greg, me and even Nate. She has a ton of ideas about how we can grow Mammoth, and she has that "I'm about to graduate and I'm ready to take on the world!" enthusiasm that is quite endearing.

So I'm torn. Molly will certainly fit in here, and she'll be a huge help on the production side of things. Rina, on the other hand, will not fit in here at all, at least not initially, and she also has the kind of drive and ambition that might make her a giant pain in the ass. I can't really see Rina filing things, or transcribing tapes. But I feel like she brings more to the table than Molly does. I'm just not sure how we'd utilize it in an intern capacity.

Before I left work, I wrote up my impressions of both of them for Nate, with pros and cons, and how I'd love for him to meet with them and weigh in. When I got home, I checked my work email and he had written back, from his cell:

"Hire both."

And then another, five minutes later.

"Do we have budget?"

When I got into work this morning, I checked, and we actually do have the budget for it, if we cap them both at 25 hours/week. As far as who they'll report to, I'm going to recommend that Rina report directly to Nate, and that Molly report to me. When he gets in to the office, of course. If he ever gets in, that is.

Posted at 1:14 PM

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