Online Dating Partner

ProConnect Subscribe to Experts Blog By Jane Garapick. Posted on Aug 30th 2012.

As infuriating as it is when he doesn't call, here's the only explanation and response that matter.

Of all the questions I'm asked, the most common one is about what to do when he hasn't called. There's something about that unfinished business, about being left hanging without an explanation that leaves even the most confident of us wondering what we did wrong, and whether or not we should try to contact him to elicit some kind of an answer.

We all share the same story line: You met a great guy, you really hit it off, maybe even went on a date or two, then nothing. No phone call, no explanation, just a silent phone. Every time the phone rings your heart rate shoots up as you grab for your phone, only to see that it's your friend or your Mom calling, as your hearts sinks back into your stomach (sorry Mom!)

It's the same story.
The other part of the story that is always the same, is that we've convinced ourselves our situation is unique, unlike every other woman's experience with the guy who hasn't called. But the reality is that our story is exactly the same as all of the many, many women around the world, and through the ages, that have experienced the same thing. We just don't want to hear it or believe it.

There seems to be something about believing that our own personal situation is different, hanging onto the hope that we're the exception to the rule, that makes us feel better, at least temporarily.

A simple explanation.
But the reality is that it's just not different. Based both my own personal experience as well as that of my friends and the many women I've counseled over the years, the answer is pretty simple: He hasn't called because he isn't ready or interested in pursuing a relationship with you right now.

And the other hard truth is that he may never be, in fact he most likely won't ever be. But that's fine because the bottom line is, he's not the guy for you. If he were, it would be happening. He'd be calling you. That's the short, tough to swallow, but true, answer. Any further explanation doesn't change anything so it doesn't matter.

What matters is you!
I can't even begin to tell you how much time and energy I personally wasted hoping to solicit some kind of an explanation from a guy who hadn't called. A guy who suddenly just disappeared. Oh, he might have still been around, either at work or at a place where we might run into each other from time to time, but in every other way, the most important ways, he was no longer in my life.

There is just something about a guy who pursues us in the beginning, even if it's only for one evening or one date, and then suddenly doesn't call, that brings out the absolute worst in us. We want to know why. We need to why. It haunts us, keeps us up at night, keeps us obsessively checking our messages, our emails, our voicemails and our phones to make sure they're still working.

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