My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years. I recently moved into his apartment (2 months ago) and things have felt better than ever. We've have had our ups and downs in the past though, which have led to some trust issues. About a year ago when we were going through a rough patch (arguments, work stress, etc) and I found out he'd created an online profile on plenty of fish. I found out because he'd received a late night text message while sleeping. I saw "Andrea" flash on his screen and went through his phone (breach in privacy blah blah blah, I know). Initially he denied it, but was forced to confess after I found more evidence. He apologized etc., and it took months for me to get over it.Fast forward a year and I've made another discovery. Yes, I invaded his privacy again -- and discovered he'd created a profile just a few days ago on some weird bondage site -- with a picture of his chest, stating he was looking for an online romance (among other bondage-y details). I flipped. He of course begged me to forgive him etc. Said he thought he might have a sex addiction problem, but that he never intended to physically cheat on me. He says he would NEVER do that -- he just got off on the thrill of chatting online.
The day after my discovery, I felt really paranoid. I wanted to forgive him because I love him, but I started digging more. I racked my brain trying to think of other places he might have a hookup profile. That brought me to craigslist. Obviously the 'Casual Encounters' section is anonymous. But I used his email and said forgot my password. BOOM and email from craigslist enters his email box (yep, I have access to that and no, I don't normally go through it). I reset his craigslist password and login to his account. And BOOM. There's a posting that was deleted from one month ago -- the day after Christmas, while him and I were in another state visiting his family.
The post briefly described him -- and what he was looking for -- "light bondage" and an "ongoing relationship with a submissive woman" and that he wanted to "first meet in public to see if they got along well."
(Aside: The bondage obsession is also weird. We've done silly light bondage things before -- tape, rope, cheap handcuffs -- but we don't have some weird sub/dom relationship).
I confronted him. At first he was angry. Then he was despondent. Then he begged for me to forgive him. Said he would go to therapy, do anything and that he didn't want to be that person. He claims he deleted the post about 10 minutes afterwards and that he NEVER actually wanted to go through with it, he just got a sexual thrill out of it. He again claimed he might have a sexual addiction, and that he's ashamed. He loves me more than anything -- blah blah blah.
I'm torn. I'm disgusted. I'm stressed. I could move out this weekend. Take everything I own -- which includes the bed, couch, table and chairs, coffee maker -- mostly everything (we got rid of his stuff when I moved in because my was nicer/newer).
I just don't understand his behavior. It's so risky and stupid (we JUST moved in together, he'll have no furniture after I'm gone and a pretty large rent payment on the 1st) that it might be sexual addiction, but he could be lying. He maybe cheated physically. I'll never be able to prove that. He claims he'll do anything to make this right, begging me to give him another chance to be a better man, etc., but I don't even know what could make this better. He's shattered my trust and these huge dreams I had for our future (after months of what seemed like an amazing relationship).
Looking for honest, thoughtful advice, not just "dump his ass"...though it was certainly my first (and still current) reaction...
Thanks in advance if you've read this lengthy post.
Why don't you see if he really goes for therapy. If he really goes for therapy, he might be honest. On the other hand, he might just be trying to gain your trust again before cheating on you again. Also, if he does go for therapy, find out about the therapist's take on this. If he really has an addiction and it can be solved, go for it. Of course, if it can't be solved, you should consider going after somebody else. And no, I don't feel that he will ever be able to control his urges after doing those.Speaking of which, if he really does love you more than anything, he should love you more than sex, which means he should be able to control his urges. But seeing as how he can't, you should ditch him. Or you could give him a chance because perhaps it really is hard to control those urges. Maybe, you could ask a professional if it really is difficult.
In my honest opinion though, to me it just feels like he is just using you considering the fact that he'll have no furniture and a lot of rent to pay without you.
I'm torn. I'm disgusted. I'm stressed..I'm sorry and I know that you don't want me to post this, but I have to say this.Get out of there now, this is not a healthy relationship.
You're telling us not to tell you what you already know ("dump his ass")?
If you really want to try it, see if he actually wants and DOES change for you..
If he doesn't change, you'll keep these feelings forever.
I almost didn't respond to this because of the no "dump his ass" requirement. With the background you've given, there really is no other logical explanation. There's a history of indiscretion and mistrust and the more you dig, which is also an issue, the more manure you've ended up shovelling to the side. If he keeps proving that you can't trust him and giving you reason to snoop, why the hell else would you stay? It seems you already know what you want/need to do and you don't need anyone else's confirmation. Just make sure you're solid in your decision.You may not create new Love Advice Forum threadsYou may not post repliesYou may not post attachmentsYou may not edit your postsForum Rules
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