Hello. I am in a same sex relationship of approximately 8 months with my partner. We previously dated for over six months, but at my discretion, I determined that we needed time apart to grow and change, which has seemingly happened. Now we are making plans to move in together due to knowing each other for a considerable amount of time and the amount of time it will take to make my relocation possible.I tend to be a very strong communicator and one to really belabor certain things, due to being a therapist and also having a worrying, controlling, and somewhat obsessive compulsive stance in life. I really try to work on this and I know that it affects our relationship and did previously. It tends to be ingrained in my personality style. I feel like he has been less open and communicative since we got back together, but at first he was really showing his best side and so was I. Everything was happy and fun, and now reality seems to be setting in and the typical relationship issues.
We've overcome a few issues to a degree, such as not being included in his family and being a secret to them. We spend about 3-4 nights a week together, and oftentimes they don't know that I'm there when he talks with them on the telephone. But his mother has been ill, and she was recently very ill and her ability to pull through was a concern. So I drove back and forth out of town to be supportive and that's how I was exposed to the family. They seemed to be okay with me, and I'm sure they put two and two together, but it's not been explicitly stated. Before we move in together, I'd expect them to know so there won't be any surprises later about how they feel or them being upset with him, especially with his mother's unpredictable health. Things seemed to go well though and progress was made. I asked that he begin to tell his family that we are going to the movies or this that and the other even if just kind of nonchalantly as friends. But I'm sure they realize the true nature of our relationship given that I slept at the hospital for days and was the only "friend" that managed to pull that kind of time and give that sort of support.
I should note that we live about an hour away, and we have started to talk about moving in together. Well, at first, it was exciting and we started looking at neighborhoods in his area that I would like. I'm fine with moving there because I live in a smaller town. However, it's complicated in that I have a mortgage and have only owned my home for about 4 years. I want to get rid of it and walk away, but it's quite stressful for a worrying type person to do. I'm going on faith that my home sells, that I make the right decision and don't regret leaving my home with little equity built and some investment in improving it, and how we'll do together (which I'm sure is normal). I tried to convey this to him in a rambling obsessive way I'm sure because I was processing and kind of took it on as a big huge deal. Maybe I'm even taking the fun out of it, so we've not talked about it as much and I've simply been wanting to research and make the decision. I spoke with a rental agency and a realtor, and it has been difficult to determine which way to go, so I worriedly talked to him about both and the pros and cons. I'm just not sure that he understands that I'm picking up most of my life, turning away some of my emotional investment, and relying on him for some security in that it's a good decision and what he wants more than anything. I suppose, he wouldn't have mentioned it and tried so hard to get me back in his life if not.
Our communication could be better because I'm passive aggressive and oftentimes don't bring things up. He has a tendency to overreact to his stressors and want to talk about them and has more of a hotheadedness that's never really directed at me, which is good. He's tamed down a lot with his anger as he's matured. But being a therapist, talking and knowing what others feel is something I really want. But I know my expectations are high and I expect affection, sex with a higher drive than his, someone to listen to me as much as I do them (which is very unlikely to find given my career). I feel like I'm always disappointed because I expect this or that, and I know it's ridiculous to expect constant sweetness and affection and those kind of things in private, but something about it gives me a sense of safety and security. I suppose I'm needy and insecure, particularly with him.
With his mother and her sickness and seeing what he went through with that I really began to know that I love him and want to be with him, but I know we can improve in some areas. So my first issue is my part of the expectations and realizing that nobody is going to be affectionate all the time, and to realize that his style is to not talk about things and then to be more crude around friends and that kind of thing where I'm more quiet. It's entertaining most of the time, but occasionally it can be a little too much. Nonetheless, I really love and care about him and could see myself with him more than anyone else. He makes me a little crazy, which I think means I love him.
The thing that bothers me most as of late is a stupid thing. He's always been open with the password on his phone and says there's nothing to hide. So after really seemingly getting on his nerves talking to him for like an hour about the pros and cons and the difficulty of selling the house and sending him a long message (A REALLY long message), I wanted to know if he was mad at me because he denied being so. So I looked at his phone and saw a text to his best friend that said he talked to me for over an hour and sometimes wishes the house and car (because I'm working on getting another but can't just yet due to being upside down) would burn so I wouldn't talk about it as much and stress out. He was having a bad day and I suppose I was getting on his nerves, but it's such a big deal to me to pick up and move. Then the conversation went back and forth with his friend asking if it was that bad, and my partner said it's the same thing over and over but each time a little more negative. He's right about that. I will admit that I overdo it and rely on him for more support than I will ever receive and far less than I could expect to get. I attribute that to personality styles though and me being highly conscientious and aware. He's a guy... not a therapist, and oftentimes, he does support and communicate. Just not how I would. Well the conversation stopped for a while then and he made a comment later to his friend about being stressed about his mom and the moving thing and having absolutely no sex drive. His friend responded that it's hard to want to screw someone whose house you'd like to burn down, jokingly. But this kind of hurt my feelings, and it's exactly why you shouldn't snoop. I was just worrying and thinking that I needed to know what was on his mind if he wasn't giving it.
Well that was this morning, and he was perfectly fine and affectionate and somewhat intimate tonight and this morning. However, it's sticking in my head to a degree and I wonder if he has really looked at how I feel and empathized. I listen to his bad day at work rants, his moms health concerns, and anything else and actually give feedback. I feel like I talk, he listens, and I ramble. I think we have to approach things as partners and begin to do that if we want a life together. And I definitely do. But I want to improve myself and realize that I can't have unrealistic expectations of him. I sent him a message at work saying I love you and have a good day, and he responded I love you more and left a note on the fridge about loving and not being able to wait to see me cause I drove up last night. So he has been sweet. I followed my text with today should be a good day if the dealership doesn't try to screw me up (with a haha) and added that I am sorry that I've been negative and will try not to be as stressed and to just go with things more and rely on faith. I may have acted a little weird this morning and he knows I used his phone because my Wifi wasn't working, so he may realize I saw those texts or he may just assume I'm trying to be less of a basketcase about changing my whole life and making these huge decisions without a good supportive family or friend system at the moment. I don't tell a lot of people things and open up. But I just don't know what to think.
I feel like I'm entitled to be worried about this and nervous, but that I should keep more to myself. I also feel like I do most of the stuff in the relationship because I get out of work earlier and can be there earlier, and I clean up while he's still at work, and I do nearly everything thoughtful i can think of with the exception of not looking at his texts and trying not to overwhelm him. But I'm overwhelmed, so who helps me.... ya know. Anyway, I'm trying really hard to give him credit for what he does right, which is a lot, and learn to accept what he does wrong because clearly I'm flawed too. But I don't know if I'm missing something here, and I'm not that great with relationships and give up a lot of myself and my time to make them work because I invest deeply when I care for someone. So I think we both have things that we bring that are positive and flaws. But I've asked myself many times if I woke up without him, how I'd feel, and I'd be depressed and miss him like crazy. So I need to find a way to keep him around and make things work and to just stop worrying all the time about this particular relationship thing. I have horrible relationship examples in my family, and I also don't wanna fail on this second try because I've never cared about anyone else or been as attracted to anyone as him both emotionally and physically. He just doesn't necessarily act how I want him to, but I have to let go of control to a degree and see what happens. IT may work it may not, but what am I missing..... or what am I doing wrong, and why are my expectations so unrealistic with regard to constant validation and reassurance. It just gives me a warm good feeling like it's all worth it with commuting and putting a lot of time and sleeplessness into it.
I think our relationship will improve when it's not semi long distance because it feels like two relationships... one by phone and text and then another when we are together. When we're together it could be good once I grasp that he's not the guy that worked so hard to get me back. Then it was honeymoon and new and he was giving his absolute best. Now we've gotten more comfortable. Well he has gotten seemingly very comfortable, and I've realized I love him more than I realized and I want to spend my life with him if it works out. I can add more later, but this has been a super long post. Any bits or nuggets of advice are appreciated. I know it's a lot of info. Thanks so much. I just needed to explain, vent, and get some direction as these big changes occur over the next six months or so. And if things go south in those six months or so I'll know we can't live together and to move on. But like I said living together may take away tiredness and some of the stuff we deal with as far as inconsistency goes. Also, I have a stressful negative job and bring that with me. I have been taking an antidepressant for a year now because it was a rough year last year, and I think I'm coming out of that and maybe just need a little time and stuff to really reach that happy point when I feel less burdened by decisions and things to do and figuring this and that out. I also wish there was more sex, but that's been explained to me as a tiredness and general not feeling well or being stressed, so it's not been attributed to me or attraction or anything. I could go on and on.... I'll stop.... thanks in advance for any advice.
One thing to add.... I try really hard to be a good partner. I try to think of nice things to do like cooking, cleaning, and even doing bigger things like concerts and surprise weekend trips, etc. I may be too easy in some ways from what I've heard. When I care about someone I just turn over to them and give 200% whereas others don't, and I have to make peace with that because I've realized perfect doesn't exist and I'm not perfect, and I think I'm about as close as can get with how I feel about my current partner if I can learn to communicate in a way he'll listen and loosen up about things, etc. Also the family thing, I meant to add that I've been invited to some family things like a week long family trip and also a wedding, so I'm beginning to worry less about that.
You've got to get your anxiety under control and/or find some other people to help you manage it. Looking for your boyfriend to calm them via sex, affection, loooooong conversations, etc. etc. is going to be too much for him, or any other single person, to handle.I suspect the more you are sure the he is "the one" the more you will be anxious about losing him and, therefore, be hyper-vigilant about the condition of the relationship. That fear will push you more and more to invade his privacy (phone), question his whereabouts (after you are living together), question him about the amount of sex, and divide him from his friendships. Those are all behaviors aimed at controlling your anxiety.
Unfortunately, the more you do them, the more he will pull away and the vicious cycle begins which won't end well.
Have you considered some therapy in addition to your meds?
I have done some therapy before and likely need to again. The difficult part is that both my partner and I tend to be anxious and he manifests more in an externalizing way and lacks as much insight and self observation. So I'm often comforting him or being the one to listen. I tend to hold my anxiety in which I know isn't good but when things involve our future and relationship I tend to speak up later rather than sooner so as to not seem to jump the gun. He seems to perceive that I can handle myself and deal with anything or lacks the insight to realize overwhelm exists for anyone. So being there for him and not necessarily getting similar support can be hard but then I have really thought about and used past experiences helps me rationalize that he supports differently. And he comes from a family of strong personalities and stubbornness which he tends to have. I am convinced I won't meet anyone as observant or detail oriented as myself and sometimes wish I wasn't so I have to kind of check myself and lower the expectation of others. Family support for me is limited because they perceive that if this didn't work out before it won't work now but it does feel different and we are taking bigger steps. Luckily my friends and his are supportive. But the big upcoming decisions and cold feet about moving in together and leaving my house behind with him getting frustrated with me for feeling that its a big decision is a little hard for me. I'm picking up and changing mostly everything to have a relationship and be with him. And I run ragged trying to do so how. He said he brags on me to his friends because I'm always there for him and burning the roads up to visit and he appreciates it. But I guess I feel like my work is clear and my effort is great and all he has to do is show up. And then he doesn't quite seem to get where I'm coming from. My goal since posting this thread has been to be happy and laugh and enjoy and deal with the decisions myself for now to give him a break and of course to try to forget the texts I saw that bother me a little. People speak negatively when stressed and overmagnify which he does a lot so I can put that behind me I think. And it kind of let me see that as the previous poster said I've got to get my anxiety under control even though its relationship specific and then I can evaluate the relationship and enjoy it without this clouded filter that pops up. If I enjoy it now and there's strong love I'm sure without the angst and maybe even pressure I will really be happy. But it's tough when controlling the environment is ingrained particularly from childhood experiences and looking for structure and consistency. I know my partner perceives me as good and loves me. I just can't push him away or let him get away with checking out and not listening and being a part of my support system. Just my thoughts. I hope to get in therapy again soon if I can find a place to go where I'm not aquainted with the therapists due to working in the field. That's the tough part.You may not create new Love Advice Forum threadsYou may not post repliesYou may not post attachmentsYou may not edit your postsForum Rules
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