my girlfriend and I have been going out for about 7 months. this is both of our first relationships. we go to different colleges that aren't too far away but enough where during the school year we can only see each other a couple times a month. while she's a fantastic person and we both care for each other very much, my girlfriend's a major introvert, doesn't like/feel the need to talk to people often outside of real-life conversation, and it's no exception for me. so even though we go to different schools and don't see each other often (except for breaks where we do,) she doesn't really care for non-real-life communication. if i start a conversation with her through text-based means (she hates phone calls,) she'll respond in delayed intervals but we'll have a short convo and it'll be fine. if i don't start the convo and we don't see each other, she'll go for up to a week without starting one (which is very fast compared to her other friends but still slow for me.) while i know it's completely in her nature to not like conversation and that's fine, I'd much rather be able to talk to her every day or two, especially since we're boyfriend and girlfriend. while she would always respond at some point if i started the convo, the problem is, i'm slightly insecure and always think that, because I'm the one starting the convo and she inherently doesn't like talking, i'm always being a bother to her, so i usually wait a few days in between starting convos, which in turn frustrates me because i'm not talking to her. though i've talked to this about her before and she's said that she'll respond whenever i try to contact her because she wants me to be happy, i know that she's not a fan and that irks me a bit. i want her to be happy and not be bothered, but thinking about her without contacting her has really been a distraction for me at school as well.so what should i do? should i bite the bullet and start convos whenever i feel like it (which would probably be once or twice a day,) continue waiting 3 or so days between convos and distracting myself, or wait until she starts communicating with me? Or any other advice? thanks.
In all seriousness the short answer I would give you is to find someone else. Not what you want to hear, I'm sure. But if you have both communicated what you want the relationship to be like and it's different, it's going to be hard to maintain a situation where one of you is either giving a lot or holding a lot back.... for the long run. If you were in the same area it might not be so bad, but since you're both in school in different areas, it doesn't seem like the greatest match.
I would just contact her when you feel like it. I wouldn't play games. If she just isn't willing to talk or it bothers her that you contact her that often, then I would have to agree with the other poster and say that the two of you are just on different wavelengths and you should probably find someone more in tune with your needs and wants
Introverts tend to only initiate conversation when they have something which they think is significant to say and/or they think the other person is interested. They don't start idle banter. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they don't enjoy hearing others talk. She may also be a bit awkward in the social skills. So just sent her messages about whatever is on your mind without expecting her to respond. Asking her questions to get her going might help. Yes or no questions will only get you "yes" or "no" responses.The challenge for you is not interpreting her lack of or delayed responses as an indicator of the relationship health. Unless she says otherwise, assume you likes getting your messages.
Thanks for the responses. i split up with her for a short period of time based on a few things before, but i severely regretted that during the break and eventually asked her to get back together. so even though breaking up may be the best option, i know what it's like to have broken up with her and (at least for now) don't want to hastily do it again. she also does make sure to say that she's trying hard to keep up decent communication with me, so I'm still clinging on to the idea that it can change but not sure.and also, think you hit the nail on the head with that second sentence there Pollon, i'm always insecure about relationships so while she objectively looks happy and it's obvious that there's nothing wrong most of the time, I don't always interpret it as good. It's an annoying personality that I can't seem to stop, so if anyone knows anything about that/has advice, it'd be much appreciated.
thanks for all of the responses though, definitely taking them to heart.
I'm an introvert too so I think I know how she feels. You should just tell her what you told us, tell her how much you miss her when you don't talk and tell her it makes you insecure. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship - so don't be afraid, send her messages every time when you feel like it
In all seriousness the short answer I would give you is to find someone else. Not what you want to hear, I'm sure. But if you have both communicated what you want the relationship to be like and it's different, it's going to be hard to maintain a situation where one of you is either giving a lot or holding a lot back.... for the long run. If you were in the same area it might not be so bad, but since you're both in school in different areas, it doesn't seem like the greatest match.I agree with Lovebug, you're probably not a match for one another, at least not at this particular time. It's also affecting your getting a proper education, as you alluded to, and this is not good. You've probably not experienced the real world yet - that is, working for a living, earning a paycheck, paying all the bills and possibly raising children as well - but when you do, your college education will dictate what type of money you will earn. Therefore, now is not the time to be worrying about texting and when you're going to get a response. Besides, while you're concerned that she's not texting you in a timely fashion, she's probably hitting the books.Look at it this way, if you keep allowing this situation to hinder your ability to focus:
Future predicted annual earnings = $25k ...
Not allowing this situation to affect your schooling, focusing on your education:
Future predicted annual earnings = $100k and beyond..
You make the choice ...
Last edited by taskeinc; 01-26-2013 at 07:22 PM.
thanks again for the responses, definitely taking them to heart. but again, don't know if I'm ready to break up, being that the first time we split up it was emotionally devastating (and it distracted me from my work much more than before.) i'm also not so much worried about the distraction from work as i am about what direction to take the relationship (this was a problem for me last semester too yet i did very well in school.) thanks again.
Sometimes most relationship comes to that kind of situation. Everyone of us has different insights of handling a relationship! Base on your problem, I can say that maybe you just have to give her space and time to realize if she really needs to give you that kind of reason of not having a conversation with you. You cannot solve the problem by your own self. You two have both responsibilities to manage your relationship well because you two decide to commit to each other.
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You have admitted that this is a first relationship for both of you. You are young and experiencing life. It seems that you are wanting different things. If she is peeved when you contact her and she doesn't want to talk, I would leave it alone. I don't think you should force it. I think you should find someone more compatible to date.You may not create new Love Advice Forum threadsYou may not post repliesYou may not post attachmentsYou may not edit your postsForum Rules
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