My 'girlfriend' won't let me near her 11 yr old son.......

Hello

I've posted here recently and in the past about the situation with my friend. Most recently it was a post regarding doing work for her.

The reason for this post is similiar to a post I wrote in the past about issues I've had with a women I have been dating for almost two
years. The quick background is that she has been married twice and has a 11 yr old son. She is Iranian/American (moved here when she was
12) she is now in her late 30's. She is divorced officially for a little over a year. Her parents are a bit traditional in the fact that they are over
protective of her and still tell her what to do. They check in with her several times a day and are against her dating. She is very American for the most part but can't seperate herself from her family. She respects and loves her father so much that she doesn't break those cultural boundries.

We have been on and off since January of this year. We don't fight, we don't argue, in fact, we adore each other and absolutly love spending
time with each other. Our problems are with her father and her son. I dissagree with her approach to her father. I want her to be a more
independent thinker. Although he knows about me I'm kept in the shadows. I'm not spoken about in even the most casual of ways and I can't come around when hes around.I just met him for the first time when he made a surprise visit to her house. He told her the next day that he didn't sleep because he had bad dreams.

Her son is 11 now and he is somewhat of a demanding boy with high expectations of his mother. She always wants to please him and nurture him. It often seems like the men rule the roost and although this is a little boy she avoids conflict of any type. She's a good mom but is highly over protective of him and doesn't want to upset him in anyway. He's the little boss. He doesn't want her seeing any other man, she doesn't bring friends around the house.
He is highly influence by his father who seems like a bitter, angry man who has made it a point to tell his son that 'mommy shouldnt have friends or be dating anyone'. I am shut out. She doesn't want me around him. I can't stop by even for the littlest reason, I can't even call her most the time when he's around. It frustrates me because I totally dissagree with how she raises her son. I don't say much about it other then I feel she shelters him from the world and the truth instead of teaching him. I've known her for 4 yrs and have dated her for two and I think it's no big deal for me to be her friend.
He needs to get used to me being around. Even if he dissagrees, in time, little by little he will get used to it. He is not 6, hes 11 and needs to start understanding that people are a loud to have friends. She needs to stop worrying about confusing him and teach him. I told her I accept her for who she is and her past and part of that is accepting her son.

We broke up a few months ago because I told her I don't see things changing. I want more freedom. I want us to grow. However, we have been seeing each other and love being with each other. I needed to drop something off at her house and she asked me to come another day because her son was there.

I can't rant anymore.....sorry for the long winded thread. I am just frustrated because I love being around her. BTW: we hardly have anything in common. I am rock and roll tee shirt and no shoes and she is designer tops, italian shoes, and hangbags. Its so wierd.

Please, only serious mature relavant response.

Have you asked this girl where she sees the relationship going? It sounds like she doesn't really want you as part of her life... she just wants you on the side

If she isn't going to let you into her life and if that's a place where you want to be, I'm not sure if there is a lot you can do. You kind of have to just ask yourself if what you are getting is enough

Have you asked this girl where she sees the relationship going? It sounds like she doesn't really want you as part of her life... she just wants you on the side

If she isn't going to let you into her life and if that's a place where you want to be, I'm not sure if there is a lot you can do. You kind of have to just ask yourself if what you are getting is enough

Thank you for your reply and again sorry for the long thread. I actually can write a book about the relationship.

To answer your question. We have spoke about it and both agree that there may not be a future. However, I say it because of how she is with her son and father and how she treats me when it comes to them. Too me, those are things that can change.
For her, its a matter of not wanting to change.

I admit that my feeling half the time is that she doesn't see me as the right guy which hurts and the other half just tells me she is simply just afraid. Afraid of dealing with her son, and afraid of upsetting her father. She is even afraid of her ex, the boys dad because the boy tells his dad and then his dad says bad things. She has made mistakes before and is afraid to take a risk. Truth is, it's always a risk. Relationships are a risk and no matter who it is and how you might feel there is the risk it may not work. Eventually you you (she,me) need to take the leap and not worry what other people think.

I don't know what Im doing anymore. I try to leave her but we get along so well. I love being around her and she feels the same. We love going to dinner together, going to shows, or just sitting in with a bottle of wine. We have a great deal of compassion for one another. I know she loves me but maybe not quite enough.

It sounds like you are way down on her list of priorities, and I really don't see this going anywhere. After two years, you should be at least socialising with her son and her family, even if you're not staying overnight. She's trying to keep everyone happy, but she's ending up by pleasing nobody. I don't see this going anywhere, while she's still influenced by her father and her son. It's maybe time to cut loose and move on with your life.

To say that you have your hands full would be somewhat of an understatement and it doesn't help you any, so I won't say it. I think you need to allow that situation to play itself out, from a distance. She would literally have to go against her dad and her tradition and culture to be with you the way you want and believe the two of you should be together. As for her son, you can't make him do what he doesn't want to do and you can't make him respect his mom, she has to do that, just like at some point she will need to put her foot down with her son. She's facing a double-edge sword with her son because she comes from a submissive culture, her father is running her life and her son is doing the same, but she no longer resides in said culture. She's in America, so as her son continues to pick up the American culture (and probably has already at 11, esp if he's been here all his liffe), he's going to make his mom's life a living hell, and guess what, "fingers714," you do not want to be in the middle of that, not to mention the father throwing in his two cents every now and then.

Love from a distance is the only way you'll find out if she wants to be with you on a permanent basis. Tell her that the both of you need space, and she should use that time to determine if she wants a life with you, or if she wants to continue to have her dad and son rule her life. You're not asking her to choose between the three of you, you're simply asking her to make you more of a priority in her life and she should make her father aware of that fact. What is he going to do, spank her? Beat her with a rod? She has to be stern and put her foot down and more than likely her dad will back off and her son will have more respect for her.

If she doesn't do those things the smartest move for you to make is to get the hell on. Don't mean to be harsh, I call it like I see it. If you end up getting her pregnant, and the relationship doesn't work out, because you would have a child with her, you would be tied to her, her son, and her dad for the next 21 years, really for the rest of your life. That wouldn't be so bad if the two of you were on the same page, and you end up getting married one day. But not only are you all not on the same page, you're not in the same book, not even if the same library.

Handle your business and take it from an outsider looking in, who has nothing to gain, one way or the other. That's too much drama going on. Oftentimes, as guys, we allow our physical ties to a woman, especially if the sex is good (and I'm guessing it is) to get the best of us; we stop thinking with the correct head, and we become p-whipped. I don't even know you and I do believe that is what is occuring here. I myself, about 20 years ago, was p-whipped by a middle-eastern lady. It happens, especially in our younger days.

I'm sure your conscious has been guiding you on this matter, the question is, are you listening?

Last edited by taskeinc; 09-04-2012 at 07:15 PM.

Tough spot, man. You're the last man in ... the father, the ex, the son I'm sure they all feel like they have seniority and I'm sure they're in her ear giving her the the guilt trip for even seeing you. When I got married I had a run-in with my mother-in-law and my wife sort of took her side. Then my mother was pissing and moaning about something stupid at Thanksgiving and made a comment that was sort of slighting about my wife. I pulled her aside and told her never to make me choose between my wife and my mother because she'll (meaning my mother) will lose every time. I'm an old school Italian mommas boy too I'm sure that was a wake up call for her. But she hasn't badmouthed my wife since and they have an excellent relationship. We now have a 4 year old son together and she (my wife) still backs her mom from time to time and it pisses me off finally I shared the thanksgiving story and told her once we got married and especially now that we have a son WE are our own family. Its us 3. Thats it for our little core and as far as I'm concerned everyone else is on the immediate outside looking in including both moms and her dad (mines gone). They're still family and we still love them but NOTHING supersedes our little core unit. I think she finally bought in and it gotten us closer together. Strange even when you've been with someone for over a decade there could be that little reservation about how much you really love and respect each other. Human beings don't like to take that leap of faith and give themselves over completely. Your parents, siblings etc. are safer because you feel like they're not going anywhere and will love you unconditionally but I take marriage and my family seriously, but I digress.

In your case, how do you apply these principles? Is it her and her son and you're the odd man out? To be be honest, I'd say so. Nothing and nobody will come before her son. You need to put in some serious manhours to get into that little circle and to be honest that's the way it should be. 2 years "on and off" probably isn't enough time to devlope that leap of faith type trust she needs, especially since she obviously already had one relationship fail. f you love her and want a future and claim to accept her situation (ex husband and 11 year old son for instance) and deemed it worth the effort then you need to pay your dues. You chose to travel the unpaved road if you can't deal with it then you should look for a single woman with no kids. To be completely honest I see nothing wrong or unusual about her "little boss" not thrilled with the thought of you and her standing behind him. the dad thing is a little weird though unless he's giving substantial financial support and she feels obligated to include him in the details.

Sorry if its not what you wanted to hear, just my 2 cents.

Everyone of you have valid points....thank you. It is a tough situation.

I have to admit though....@taskeinc....the sex comment. Not in the slightest. I've grown and realize that when I truly love someone and enjoy there
company it has very little to do with the sex.

I'm amazed at how many people think sex is the end all be all to relationships. I think its just cliche' to say it now. The irony is, the most passionate, intense sexual relationships were always the ones that ended the fastest. For me anyway. And people who fixate on sex, even with an accommodating partner tend to have an endless void of sexual appetite and are usually prime candidates to cheat. I've seen people give advice that they should end a MARRIAGE because the sex life isn't spicy enough. What the hell is this, an episode of Desperate Housewives? If a steady decline of sex is grounds to leave someone then let me give you all a piece of advice ... don't get married. LOL

People naturally become more comfortable and complacent with one another over time. People in strong relationships built on trust, respect and compassion can fulfill each other in other ways and may not feel the need to be sexual deviants in a compensatory role. I keep hearing these anecdotes about how so and so is a lonely housewife who cheats because her beer bellied husband doesn't satisfy her sexually. That's total crap. She cheats because she's feeling insecure, looking for attention and affirmation. Banging the pool boy gives her the confidence and compliments she needs. However, if her husband took her out to dinner 3 times a week, ate ice cream and watched the Dancing With The Stars finale and sent flowers to her work every now and then I bet she doesn't cheat. I see sex too often referred to as a relationship pillar but its more a byproduct of strong foundation. Communication, respect, appreciation ... will lead to great sex, not the other way around. When was the last time you heard of a great, long lasting and successful marriage built solely on sex?

It a tough spot for sure....some days we both really love each other. I am in the middle of all the things said here. As much as I want to walk away
I find it hard. I love her and some days (like today) I feel extremely close to her and in love. I want to tell her I love her but I hold back because
tomorrow I may feel differently about the relationship. Lately, half the time I want to put my foot down and walk, half the time Im so in love with someone
who I have nothing in common with and who doesn't seem to want to take a risk with me. We just love being with each other and I feel her love and compassion for me in so many way's. I don't want to be the sucker here though.

Don't sweat the "nothing in common" thing. I dated a girl in college that everyone said was the female version of me which in and of itself should have been enough to scare me a way. Guess what, she was and guess what, worst relationship of my life. We fought all the time and towards the end I think we were trying to see who can cheat the most. Guys think they want a chick who drinks beer and watches football but at the end of the day I'd rather do that shit with my guy friends I like my women soft and sensual, not trying to see my wife funnel a beer, scratch her ass and fart on my leg just to be a jerk.

I played 2 sports in college, sing like a dying cat and have never even held an instrument in my life. I like greasy processed food, stay up light, drink like a boozehound (on the weekends anyway. My wife hates sports, was in choir and plays every damn instrument on the planet, is a vegetarian, definitely a morning person and doesn't drink. sound incompatible, right? We never fight, do everything together and have a healthy, happy 6 year marriage (we've been dating for 12 years). I think the fact that we have nothing topical in common kept us interested longer, we had way more stuff to talk about.

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